And that’s been the theme of most of my (30F) mornings spent with family while visiting them for vacations. Waking up in a panic at 6:30 am, sheer anxiety acting as an alarm.
My green tea that I like to sip on while attempting to process reality at 7 am after a cold shower is always interrupted with tasks that could really wait another 15-30 minutes. Breakfast has to be served at exactly 8 am and any delays will have the air punctuated with sighs and grunts of displeasure, devoid of any assistance to move things along.
That little random thing that needs to be grabbed can be grabbed by literally anyone apart from me, while I still have my fingers deep in my steaming plate of breakfast. But it almost never stops at doing that one task does it? By the time everyone gets what they need, everyone has settled down, everyone gets their refill of water, their specific beverage, that plate remains forlorn and cold, what was once a promising start to the day, becomes a hasty task as well, to be inhaled and forgotten about instantly.
That tea? Heated and reheated till 11 am. Reality just has to wait. Lunch needs to be prepped.
Comments
Have you talked with a therapist about learning how to set healthy boundaries? You deserve better, and it’s worth working towards.
Why are you serving your family? From the title I thought this was going to be a post about having small toddlers.
I use to be like this in my late teens. Mediating and keeping calm family members like my mother, grandmother and brother. All from killing each other. Then I just stopped. The world turned. The sun came up. Went down. They didn’t die. And look at me now? I’m 53 and all of them are dead. The end.
The word “no” exists for a reason.
It can be tough to unlearn decades of family patterns, but there’s no time like the present to start.
“I was jumping up and down all through breakfast yesterday and didn’t get to eat until my food was cold. It’s Bob’s turn to do the chores today.”
“I’ll get to it after I finish my tea. If it’s that important Dave looks like he isn’t doing anything.”
I promise you once you suggest interrupting a man’s precious relaxation the urgency will be reconsidered.
Yeah I’ve always struggled with this. I get that you can set boundaries etc. but family is weird and depending on your culture – not something you can easily influence.
You write beautifully by the way
If you cannot say no directly, make a little bit of space for YOU before their requests.
“nottykutty we miss water on the table” – “OK one moment” and take a (slow) sip of your tea.
Happens again? take a bite of your breakfast. Continue with this until breakfast is done.
Happens again the next day and now they are even more annoying? Sorry, now you want to drink your tea before breakfast. If they want to be served at all, that’s it. They can choose between having you attend to them between 7 and 8 or during breakfast.
Or be the first to ask for favors. Small ones so they cannot complain too much. Ones that are very close to them so if they complain you can say “you are literally next to it, isn’t it less annoying for you to take x than to move so that I can take it?”
Another one could be to “schedule” your bathroom breaks around that time. Breakfast cannot be served on time by you if you happen to sit on the throne at that time. Will they complain about your intestines too?
Be firm in stopping any mean comment that address your “laziness”. Don’t tolerate being called lazy. Go nuclear on them. They aren’t doing anything, they are the lazy ones. You are serving them breakfast and waiting on them fully, and in exchange you are just asking for what, 10 15 minutes of peace at 7? How dare they tell you you are lazy when all you do is running around for them.
If you are in an environment where children have to fulfill duties for the parents, it can be hard to outright change it. Adding some delays and noncompliance to it can help. But be firm on not accepting any laziness label. You are only asking for 15 minutes of uninterrupted time after all.
The pettiness of their expectations puts them in bondage too, yet they do not respect liberation.
Girl I totally get how terrible it is to KNOW you are being abused and that you should say something, but in the meantime, seeing yourself not being able to do anything.
Family/cultural dynamics are incredibly strong, and I hope that you will soon be in an healthier environment.
Ugh. I know that feeling of understanding that it is NOT your job to do the things that you find yourself doing out of the habits etched into your brain by upbringing.
Stop going on “vacation” with those demanding and lazy AHs. If you really want to spend time with them, make it in public places, where there is a negligible chance that there will be something that they want you to do.
And this one is hard. It took me nearly two decades to develop it. Not with my family, but my narcissist MIL.
Using the word NO. Unadorned, without explanation. For demands small and large. Just, no. On the rare occasion that she would actually ask, if I felt like it, I’d do it. But never when it was a demand.
I see you. And if I had the power, I’d transport you so,è where else, away from them, so that you could spend at least a couple of days in peace.
It sounds like you would benefit from a nice long walk. Do you ever just leave? Take your morning tea to go! See ya sister