Ok, so this happened about 2 months ago and I am still really upset about it. Am I overreacting?
My Mother-in-law (65F) and Sister-in-law (45F) are Mean Girls who think they are better then everyone. My MIL belittles and criticizes me, well, not just me, other family members and even total strangers. She acts very 2 faced at times, and often undermines me to my kids.
My Hubby/Kids Dad passed away when my kids were 4 and 5, they are now 13(F)/14(M). Ever since his passing, I have wanted to make sure to stay close to my In-Laws because with my kids missing one parent, I felt they needed all the love they can get from my little village, and I thought it would make them feel more connected to their Dad. Over these past 9 years we have had our ups and downs, and some big disagreements. Usually the Mean Girl BS is just focused on me, and they are usually pretty good to my kids, but sometimes it overflows onto them, it’s almost like they are just so used to talking smack to everyone and they forgot who they were talking to and spew that shit at my kids. Like one time my MIL said something about my son’s legs being too skinny/white, he has quit wearing shorts ever since, not just at her house, but everywhere. Another time my MIL was talking to me (but in front of my daughter) while looking at her, “your gonna have to start getting her some of those facial razors for dermaplaning.” In other words she’s starting to get some facial hair. Not that it’s any of my MIL business, but like 2 years before this very rude comment, I discreetly talked to my daughter about this, we talked about her options, ect but my daughter’s hair doesn’t bother her, she’s just a kid that wants to be left alone.
The incident that has made me want to finally cut ties: My daughter has a developmental delay and Sensory Processing Disorder. She has started basketball with Special Olympics. I’m so very proud of her, she’s come a long way and this year she was put on the team. Me and the Family were at my daughter’s regional game. During the game, it’s a lot different than practice, bigger gym, way more people, my daughter is of course a little overwhelmed and distracted, she was not playing as well as she normally does during practice. So we’re sitting there in the stands, my SIL made a comment (that I didn’t hear) my MIL laughed, then turns towards me and says “did you hear SIL? She just said your daughter would be better as the mascot” (I heard, hahaha your daughter sucks, she’s not helping out her team) …. I went numb, WTF? Who talks shit about a kid, but especially a kid with Special Needs, are you the devil!? I was so pissed off, but also really embarrassed because I’m sitting in the gym with all my other team parents (whos kids all have Special Needs also) and Im the one that invited these two bitches! I said “that is a really fucked up thing to say!” And my MIL says “OMG, it was a joke! Get a life, you need to get over it!”….thank God my daughter didn’t hear what her Aunt and Grandmother said about her! I think it would crush her confidence and break her heart. My son did hear, after the game I asked him if he was upset at what their Aunt and Grandma said about his sister? He’s like “that’s just Grandma, you know how she is”…it made me so sad that he’s just used to this kind of behavior. I not only don’t want my kids to be subjected to this type of abuse but I also don’t want them thinking it’s acceptable to talk to, or about other people like this. I haven’t spoken to them since.
Am I the asshole for letting this be the thing that makes me finally cut ties with my deceased Husband’s family? Am I being too sensitive? Am I overreacting? Should I continue to let my kids see these people? The kids are asking to go over the In-Laws house, should I let them go into an environment that I think is toxic?
Comments
NTA. Just casually stop spending time with these terrible people. No need to confront them as they won’t change. If your children notice the lack of contact, ask if they want to visit the in-laws. I doubt your children will be keen to do so.
Edited to correct typo.
NTAH Honestly, you should’ve distanced yourself when grandma insulted your kids the first time.
I’m guessing neither of your kids are going to miss being around her.
They seem wonderful, why would you ever want to cut ties with them? Grandma’s always make fun of their grandchildren who have special needs, that’s completely normal. Not sure why you need advice.
Please.
NTA. It’s great that you wanted your kids to be connected to their father’s family, but honestly those nasty bitches should not be near your kids or you.
It does take village to hell being different aspects of life to be teachable moments. Those two care for nothing and no one but themselves.
Pull your kids in and give them a big hug. Let them know your plan to keep things positive and always being their for them. You can’t stop all of the bad things in life that can and will happen. You can protect them from psychopaths in their family.
NTA
Cut every thread of the ties you have.
You, your children and your combined mental health, self image and value of self worth need exactly zero dry ounces of their bullshit.
They can fuck all the way off…and I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to tell them exactly that as your last words to them.
NTA but it’s heartbreaking that you let it get this far.
nta, but i worry about the kids. your son had become use to the stuff they say. might be time to go no contact.
Fucking finally, someone with the balls to cut ties with their family’s toxic garbage… NTA, your MIL is a complete piece of shit for mocking your daughter like that. That “joke” was beyond disgusting, no kid deserves to have her abilities belittled by her own grandmother. You’re right to block those bitches out and focus on raising your kids in a healthy environment
Fuck family drama, am I right? Sometimes you gotta prioritize your sanity and your kids’ well-being over blood ties… I’d love to meet that cunt MIL of yours though, we could have some real fun showing her what “jokes” look like. Seriously though, props to you for taking back control and not letting those hags drag you down
NTA. For the sake of your kids, time to step away from the mean girl bitches. They are not good people. You don’t need to announce anything, just quit responding. If you have good family, start being around them for all things.
NTA, I freaking get it… We’ve all been there when you’re at your wit’s end dealing with manipulative relatives who think their cruel comments are hilarious. It takes balls to cut those toxic ties and protect your kid from being poisoned by their negativity. You did the right thing, even if it was hard as hell
Absolutely cut ties and explain to your kids why you’ll be distancing yourself and them from their grandma and aunt. Let them know the way they talk about people isn’t right and disrespectful. They’re at the age where this can be a very valuable lesson. You do t want them tk grow up and start dating and think this kind of behavior is okay.
Why would you let people like this be around your children? You are supposed to protect your kids from stuff like this. Tell the kids that the in-laws are in time out and you will not see them for a while. Eventually they will stop asking.
Wow. I’d tell grandma exactly what your son said about her. Unfortunately, you might need to explain to her why that’s bad, but tell her it’s exactly why you need to distance from her/SIL. Please please protect your kids from what you call mean girl behavior and what I’d call emotionally stunted, destructive, unkind, belittling, flippant adult azzhats.
I’m so sorry, OP, that you have people in your kids’ lives that don’t value them. I have a special needs grandchild. I know what supportive looks like. And I’m happy to be a fill-in for your kids.
NTA , but why did you stay around them when clearly they can care less if you guys are in their life’s.
The only mistake you’ve made is tolerating this behavior for so long. That behavior is abusive and it’s slowly tearing down your kid’s self-esteem. And it’s only going to get worse for your daughter. You know how fragile the self-esteem is of a teenage girl can be. Put your kids first, cut ties.
>I felt they needed all the love they can get from my little village
In what ways do they show that they love your children? Because your post does not really seem to imply they do. Seems like they see your kids as opportunities to entertain themselves.
As the now grown child from a large extended family that all picks at each other and tears each other down and everything is a competition, I can say this: either you cut ties with these people now, or they will as adults. The sooner you do it, the kinder their internal monologues will be. And the less likely they will be to move across the country to get the fuck away because they feel like if they stay in the area they just cannot reasonably escape the ever grasping attempts to “help” that always come at the price of humiliation.
Is there anywhere else that you would take your children where other people demean them? Would you be ok with your children’s teachers mentally abusing them? Your children will learn that it is normal for people to treat them like this or they will learn to be mean girls.
You can reduce the amount of time spent with the mean girls. Make some changes in your family activities. Have small fun gatherings at your home. Make new traditions. Let your kids help you plan special holidays at home.
Offer your kids a choice. We can go to grand monster’s party or we can have our own party and do what we want. Do you want to go to dinner at mean aunts house or have a cook out and invite a couple of friends over?
NTA
You know what stuck out to me that really said this shit needs to end: your son saying that’s just how they are.
He’s being conditioned to accept toxic, abusive behavior. You’ve been accepting it…your daughter has… you’re all stuck in a vicious cycle for… the privilege of being abused by these people?
I get why you kept the connection, but that connection is rotten and is going to mess up your kids so badly on so many levels for the rest of their lives. They are going to have terrible interpersonal relationships as adults because of this.
Tell the in laws to fuck off, and any it loud and proud.
I know this can sound kinda like a stupid question, of course you cut ties, but sometimes you need someone to tell you that your not overreacting. Thank you all so much for having my back and showing me that Im not crazy ridiculous for wanting to go no contact.
Also, I want to address: I had already distanced myself and kids from them, now only seeing them about 4-5 times a year, but the main reason I haven’t already cut ties totally is because my kids actually keep asking to go over there every once in a while.
Momma, I understand you wanting your children to have family, but those toxic in-laws of yours, they are not family, they are blood relatives to your children. Blood relatives does NOT a family make. They are nasty, horrible people.
YWBTAH if you stay connected.
Cut them the fuck loose.
I think it’s time to find family that you choose because they respect and love them! By continuing to go and see them you’re saying that it’s all right and they will be bullied and as they’ve already, Shaughn can have some trauma related to that.
NTA. They are actively harmful to your children.
You’re the asshole for not cutting them off the first time they shit talked your kid.
It’s enough.
Talk to your kids first. Let them know that it’s not ok for people to talk to them and about them the way aunt and grandma do, and that you’re sorry you didn’t stop this earlier. But you’re stopping it now.
Then call the in laws. Tell them you are done letting them break your kids spirits and they are no longer going to be in their lives.
And they can blame their constant jokes for this.
NTA I agree with the earlier comment about soft cutting ties – go see them or arrange an event to meet at it anytime the kids desire it. Protect your kids from those a-holes.
I would cut them off and consider moving away. Make break off cleaner..And harder for them to push for visits and time.
I feel for the boy particularly, because you can tell he took that body shaming comment immediately to heart, made it a rule for himself never to wear shorts again.
NTA, step back & away. Stay there & keep backing up as needed. That was a very cruel & unnecessary thing to say then laugh & double down on it. Fuck them.
It sounds like your son has a good head on his shoulders, and he sees Grandma exactly how she is. You could lessen the exposure by declining some invites, but I think sitting down with your kids and asking them what they want might clear some of this up for you 🤷♀️ Reiterate that you want them safe even emotionally. Ask them how it makes them feel because that might ease your mind as well. If & when you have to, you would not be TAH to cut ties if you feel you need to🤬Essentially, they’re both bullies
I think it’s impressive that a 13 year old girl wants to play, be on a team, and experience new things. When I was 13, I wanted to evaporate in gym class and be left alone.
No! Not one bit! Glad you finally took the trash out! Don’t ever look back!
NTA.
Honestly, I think you should have cut ties a long time ago. I get that you wanted to keep their father’s family in their lives, but sometimes the family is so toxic that they hurt more than they help. Having family that cuts you down does so much damage, and that damage is long lasting. My husband is 68 and he is still dealing with the fall out from his horrible grandfather. Sounds like some damage has already been done to your kids, don’t let MIL and SIL do any more.
NTA – I realize they’re your deceased husband’s family, but they are horrible people and you are letting them around your children and that’s not good. You need to protect them from the same bullshit that you’ve been dealing with for years. Time to take a giant step back from the relationship with your former in-laws.
Slowly move on. You don’t have to be confrontational. Just be busy all the time. This keeps your kids out of it. Your entire focus should be on protecting your kids and showing them how to be caring adults. These two might get the picture and change their behaviors but don’t count on it. You are not TAH. You are the one being the grown up.
Kick em to the curb.
Explain to the kids that life is too short
To spend it with assholes.
Go absolutely zero contact.
Yes YTA if you don’t cut these two out of all your lives.
Your kids are old enough to have this chat with them to explain your reasoning. Do it or are u waiting for them to cause more harm? The shorts thing is enough 4 me!
NTA just cut contact quietly. If the kids ask, be honest (not with specifics): “We need a break from the unkindness and insensitivity. It’s up to them if they decide to change their unhealthy behavior but in the mean time you need to know that it’s not ok to keep people in your life that hurt you – even if they are related.”
NTA
Honestly, I’m glad you waited until this age.
I say this because now they know how she is. Had you cut ties with them earlier, I can promise you they would have gone to court for grandparents rights and you would have had no control or seen what they said or did in front of your children.
Now that they are of age, I bet the courts would not force your kids to spend time with them.
YTA for not already have ended contact or put them in their place after the first few comments.
NTA kinda makes you wonder what else your children have heard, that they are now so used to the horrible comments?
Take a break, maybe then Mean Girls will realise what they have lost! But better yet, you and your children won’t have that stress in your lives
NTA
NTA. Cut these people out of your life. They bring you no joy and are ruining your children’s mental health with their constant vitriol. It doesn’t matter if their words are directed at the children or not. They do not need to be exposed to this garbage any longer.
Stop trying to exhibit loyalty to your husband by exposing yourself and your children to his family. Cut all ties. Stop calling. Stop writing. Stop inviting them. Always be busy when they invite you and the children. They do not care about you or the children.
You will be the AH if you continue having a relationship with them. Your children are old enough to decide if they want to spend time in that cesspool. Allow them to say “NO.”