For vague context, my FH and I have been together for a few years, engaged for a little over a year, married soon. FMIL has always been a bit overbearing, judgmental of others, a gossip, and dramatic, but in a way that has slowly creeped up from zero over the years in intensity. My FH is her “miracle baby” and youngest child.
FH and I (maybe more so just me) are noticing more and more how egregious her comments are becoming, especially as we near our wedding date. Where I used to enjoy visiting her, now, I dread visiting her because without fail she brings up the same 3 exhausted topics, and each time it seems like she’s testing the boundaries of how far she can go. There are some things as a couple my FH and I have agreed are private between us only, but FMIL tries to weasel her way in and when she can’t, she makes snide remarks insinuating that I am controlling/the reason we don’t discuss this with her, or that our marriage will be unhealthy to the point where it feels as though she’s wishing failure upon us. I can’t call her out, risking being the rude DIL.
Topic 1: “you better start working on giving me my grandchildren!” Keep in mind, we are several months out from our wedding. She has more than enough grandchildren, nieces and nephews to dote on and devote time to, but she’s becoming obsessed with the idea of my FH giving her grandchildren “before she dies” or “in case we have problems like she did”. She’s nearing her 70s, in fairly poor physical health, retired and inactive. Besides that, I have told her repeatedly I am not going to be pregnant at my wedding. For one, I don’t personally believe in being, nor want to be (for myself only, not a judgment on anyone else) pregnant before marriage. And it’s interesting that despite her being so ingrained in “doing things the proper way” and my FFIL also sharing my belief, she’s adamant that we “better get a move on” in the bedroom. I am not an incubator. I am also not certain of my fertility because of some current and potential medical issues/disgnoses. She has asked FH if our sex life is healthy, told him we need to be having more sex, telling him a healthy sex life is important for a happy marriage. I think she’s even asked about our birth control methods. He is utterly disgusted with her when she brings up the topic of sex, and tries to quickly switch the subject, and this type of explicit conversation is usually only had between her and him. There have been several times to me where she has alluded to us having sex, even once FH answered the phone and she asked if he was in the middle of having sex. It’s disturbing to me how often she brings up sex. (I know she’s not having it)
Topic 2: finances and a “healthy marriage”. This one really eats at me because finances are very private to us as a couple. We have been discussing with our pastor in pre-marital counseling the topic of finances personally for ourselves as we combine our lives together, and FH and I have come to an agreement on what we wish to do regarding the combining of our finances. As of now, we do not combine finances as we agree that is something you do only once legally married and in ways that work for us (again, personal belief, not a judgment on anyone who does things differently). As a result, FH and I currently have a system where we “split” bigger ticket things like the mortgage and groceries, and we take turns paying for small dates or treats. When the topic of “He/she paid for xyz” FMIL makes snide comments that couples shouldn’t have separate finances, shouldn’t split costs or “keep tally”, everything we have should be shared 100%, and if we don’t do that, it’s a sign of an unhealthy marriage.
Topic 3: the wedding. The big event. D-day. The day she loses her baby to the rude DIL who is stealing away her son (my exaggeration, but the way I feel). Although she’s contributing to a few of the costs, she has a judgment or an opinion on everything and it’s extremely exhausting. It started from day one of the engagement, when she began pestering me to ask my family for money, set a date and plan everything immediately, and if she could invite her friends and dictate the guest list. Every SINGLE time I see her, she has a question about any current obsession she has with an update to the wedding planning. I’m starting to feel like she views me as her daughter she never had, living vicariously through me, or even as the bride herself.
Right now her current obsession is my bridal shower. I don’t have the best relationship with my mom so my FMIL has taken it upon herself to plan the shower. My MOH understands our dynamic and prompted her a few times a few months ago by offering to help plan the shower. FMIL didn’t like any of MOH/my ideas, saying they were improper or not something she would attend, so MOH has given up trying. Now FMIL is freaking out because she has a date in mind for the shower and time is running out. I offered to help come up with a list of venues but she is insistent upon a venue that is in no way bridal adjacent despite me finding parks, tea rooms, restaurants, family’s homes… nope. She doesn’t want to drive here nor there nor be inconvenienced in the slightest and has a list of complaints or reasons why this or that can’t be done that way. Finally my FH snapped and said “mom, this isn’t about you, this is about (fiancée)!” To which she responded, “it IS about me when I’m the one paying for it!”
In the car on the way home last night, after an hour of nonstop yammering on about anything and everything, FH goes “now we need to decompress and recover”, I told FH he needs to start discussing some boundaries with her – I’m prepared to do this, only I’m not eager to be crowned hateful DIL who is tearing her son away and I know that’s where that would lead and the guilt trip would begin. One issue is, she often brings these things up or makes snide remarks only to me when FH isn’t around, so he can’t put his foot down in the moment and call her out.
Like I said, she wasn’t always this way. It’s like a switch flipped as soon as I had a ring on my finger. Her argument is always to claim her innocence (“well I’m just saying…!”), and say she’s just hoping we have a good marriage and making sure of this that and the other or that it was different back in her day. I hear how she talks about her other DIL, claiming she’s lazy and inattentive to her step children, takes advantage of her husband’s money, and basically painting her in the light that I feel is now slowly drawing upon me. I can’t avoid her. FH invites her to join us for things or she finds a way to tag along. We have a family gathering this week and I’m losing sleep- help!
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Why are you spending time alone with her???
You can set your own boundaries. Start now.
Now that you see how she is, quit including her and so giving her info(like who buys what).
Let your FH deal with her as much or little as he wants, it’s not your job to keep his mom happy (hint, it’s impossible anyway, even he shouldn’t try).
Has your MOH offered to give the shower? Or your Mother, even though you don’t get along with her? I would go that route and leave MIL in the dust.
You can’t control what she thinks of you. You seem to be stuck in a “don’t rock the boat” mentality. But she is the one rocking the boat, not you. You can’t control whether or not you are crowned the “hateful DIL”. Let her make her snide comments – even better, let her make them when you’re not there. If you feel like it, call her out. “Yes, you have an unhealthy obsession with your son’s sex life. I am absolutely the reason why we are putting a stop to it.” Or whatever.
She won’t politely enforce limits about what she wants to talk about. So you need to enforce those boundaries yourself.
Don’t discuss finances or even mention them around her if she can’t keep her opinions to herself, not even to answer direct questions. Don’t discuss birth control or family planning with her – you said you’ve told her “repeatedly” that you won’t be pregnant at the wedding, but I don’t understand why you even need to tell her once. It’s too bad that you won’t have a bridal shower. I’m serious – if you don’t have someone to throw you a bridal shower that won’t make it about themself, then don’t attend one.
It is impossible to have a close relationship with someone who is acting like this. She doesn’t care about you, only about what she thinks you can do for her and what she thinks you are taking away from her.
I hope your FH is committed to not allowing his mother to interfere in the life you are building together.