I know deep down that this wasn’t truly my fault, but a change of plans I made lead to this tragedy. My girlfriend of 8 years and I were at a bar with a group of friends. Originally the plan was for me to go home with her after, so I was her ride. We got into a little argument over something and we both got a little mad at eachother. Nothing serious, we had a very healthy relationship. But my two buddies were doing something fun after the bar, and at the time I wasn’t too happy with my girlfriend, I told her that I’m gonna go hang out with my buddies instead. I told her I wasn’t going home with her and that she needs to go home with her friends. She was mad and walked away from me to go back to our group of friends. That was the last I saw of her. I walked over to these two particular buddies of mine wanting to leave the bar right away to do what we were gonna do. Some hours later, I get a phone call saying my girlfriend, along with two others, were killed in a car accident.
I was supposed to bring her home that night. Our last moment together was an argument. My decision to hang out with my buddies instead lead her to go into that car. The girl I’ve been with since I was 15, gone because I wanted to do something else. Regret and guilt is eating me alive. I’m too scared to even tell people, especially her parents, the super detailed truth on why she was in that car with her friends. No one is questioning that. This is an insignificant detail to everyone else since no one is focused on the why she was in a car with her friends, but to me that detail is literally everything.
On an irrelevant note, I’m going to Vegas in 4 days, and I’m going to feel even more guilt and sadness because she was supposed to come with me. I was so excited to show her around my favorite city. It feels wrong to still go, but I think I need to do something for my own mental health.
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First of all, I’m so so sorry for your loss.
Secondly, and I know this’ll take time, but I don’t think you should feel guilty. Regret I understand (the argument, her leaving with her friends instead of you, etc) but it doesn’t sound like you have anything to feel guilty for. You didn’t cause the accident. The why she was in the car isn’t going to change anything, and I think that’s why no one else is focusing on it.
Give yourself time to grieve. Take care of yourself. Self care is a great way. Go to Vegas and do everything you would’ve shown her. Can a friend go with you? Use the trip as a stepping stone on your healing journey. I would caution against doing anything crazy (not over indulging, that kinda thing – you don’t need a Hangover situation on top of everything else).
I also think you need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling and help you through your emotions and grieving. A therapist specializing in loss & grief would be really beneficial for you (sounds like self blame & survivors guilt is eating at you), but right now, a friend or your family will do. Don’t keep it bottled in.
I’m gonna say this, you didn’t cause the accident, sometimes in life things just happen. I know it’s unfortunate because the woman you’ve loved since you were 15 has lost her life but believe me now she’s watching over you. Continue to live your life, go to Vegas and have the most fun in her memory. Don’t beat yourself down and if you find yourself in a dark place again do some other stuff to try and cope with your loss. I remember once I had a family member who committed suicide, I’ve lose another one to drug overdose as well, I always thought “if only this, or if only that” but then I realized things just happens that is out of our control. Try your best to move on as best as you can. And also remember I know it’s harsh to say this but just because their lives stop doesn’t mean yours does continue to live on in their memory. Climb the highest heights that you never knew you could climb just for them because you know that they would want you to be there. Cherish your memories and try your best to move on or cope if possible. And I’m sorry for your loss but please keep your head up 🙏🏾 she may not be here in body but she could very much be here in spirit watching over you now ❣️
My boyfriend told me that if I left him, he would kill himself. I left, and he killed himself. You can’t carry that shit with you. It’s not your fault.
I always feel like these things happen almost as a way to tell us to be careful moving forward. And I despise that we see how carelessness can lead you to lose important people or things like your properties. But sometimes it only really teaches you if you went through it, which is horrible in my opinion. Why can’t we learn from others?
I don’t think you can change but if you feel it heals you, talk to a group like a group therapy. This thing follows you in life if you ignore it.
(Had to delete and repost because of slur.)
My best friend died in the Utøya-massacre in 2011. I was the one encouraging her to go there, and last minute I had to cancel myself because I got summer-work so she went alone.
I will forever feel regret that I introduced her to the Utøya-Camp, but after all these years I’ve finally come to terms with it not being my fault that she died, it was ABB’s fault and I could never have known what was gonna happen on the Island that year.
Before she died she was very happy and part of that is because I introduced her to the community she became a big part of. I try thinking of that instead.
Me and her were teens at the time and had fights all the time. I was often a huge [slur] towards her as teenagers often are. But we loved eachother as sisters and in a few weeks I will birth my first daughter that will be named after her.
My point is; You and your gf had a healthy relationship and you were happy. You could never have anticipated that she would get in a car that would kill her. You’re not a psychic. You have survivor-guilt which is very common. You did not plan for this to happen, life just does take turns sometimes and i promise you that with a little bit of time the guilt will fade as you will understand that there was nothing you could have done to stop it.
I understand so well how you feel and I hope that if you have the opportunity to do so, you’d consider some therapy. I’m very sorry for your loss.
OP I’m very sorry for your loss… huge condolences to you. OMG what a nightmare.
I don’t think “guilt” applies here …. You’re feeling angst, maybe some regret ? But you’re guilty of nothing. You guys went about your normal “routine” (yes, just a routine disagreement) and fate took over – and absolutely NONE of that was in your control (IE meaning: she asked to go with you and you said no, type of thing.)
It is the worst when we lose a loved one during any kind of turbulence in the relationship …… when my son died ? I’d been arguing with him earlier in the day and I was really MAD – and that’s how it remains we “were fighting” when he died. My last text was snarky, and, unanswered.
…… I decided to refuse to allow one small argument, one crappy day to be the memory I kept.
We aren’t promised “forever” and while your girlfriend’s passing was sudden and far far too soon ….. it’s just one of those crappy facts of life that we all eventually lose the ones we love.
The depth of the pain is an indication of the strength of the love that you shared.
When you cry ? That is also a way for you to release the pain from your body …. So, be gentle with yourself and please, please, please – steer away from the coulda woulda shoulda’s …… you have nothing to feel guilty about for. You have a lot to feel grief, for.
Big hug to you if it’s appropriate.
Have you considered trauma therapy? Taking on guilt in a situation like this is a common response to trauma; which includes the loss of a loved one. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
I had a similar experience when I was 18. I had 2 close friends of mine who wanted me to go on a weekend trip with them to Tennessee to get wasted with some other friends. I told them I had work until 3 the next day. They were willing to wait and just leave that evening but I brushed them off because I didn’t really feel like going on a trip right after getting off. So they left that morning. One of my friends decided to get high before driving and he ended up pulling out in front of an 18 wheeler. He died instantly and my other friend was in the hospital for 2 months and we no longer talk. It wasn’t my fault he was high, it wasn’t my fault he pulled out in front of a truck, but if I had just agreed to go with them I would have been driving and he wouldn’t have died. I felt guilty for a while but you can learn to let that guilt go. It helps to talk to people. Do therapy if you need to. Just don’t let it gnaw at you for too long
There are infinite alternate timelines where she could have died earlier, but she did something with you instead. It sucks that she got caught early but it’s the random nature of life. Frankly, you aren’t as powerful as you think you are. Please take solace in that.
Never leave a situation in anger with someone you care about.
So in 2002 I was supposed to go out with this girl. That evening came and I stood her up to go shoot pool and drink with my buddies. She gets in a car to go somewhere with another boy. She’s driving. They wreck and she dies on scene.
I carried that for a lot of years. Feeling guilty. Like if I’d just took her on a date she’d still be alive. I finally got my mind around to the fact that I didn’t make her take off in her car with him. I didn’t cause the wreck. I was on the other side of town playing 9 ball and had no clue.
For 15 years or so afterward I’d go leave flowers on her grave every birthday she would’ve had and every anniversary of the wreck that ended her short life. My wife then (long since divorced) thought I was sneaking off to see another woman and confronted me about it in 2015. So I told her the story and took her to the girls grave to show her the flowers. I told her I was in fact sneaking off to another woman but not in the way that she thought. She cried and held me and told me it wasn’t my fault. She’s the one that finally convinced me to come back to the living.
We can’t predict the future, and we can’t get yesterday back cause it’s already gone. I don’t want you living with guilt for most of your life like I did. You didn’t cause it to happen. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but please know that it heals with time.
I can empathize with you. It’s not your fault at all. I understand those feelings of guilt are crushing. You both loved each other and had a normal couple moment. You didn’t cause the accident. You also don’t know what would have happened if you did go together. No one has that kind of control.
The day my brother died, I had an intense urge to not let him go on the swimming trip he went on. But I let him go. He died there. I blamed myself for years and thought that if I just held onto him, he wouldn’t have died. Who knows?
Grief and guilt so often go together, OP. Even when there’s nothing really to be guilty for like in your case, guilt will still show up. I’m sure you know that it could just as easily have happened even if she’d driven home with you. But I want to stress that even tho you argued the last time you saw her she still knew that you loved her. Arguments are natural and cool down periods are healthy. Remember the good times with her because I guarantee, if she had time to think, she was remembering the good times with you. I am so sorry you went through this and I hope healing comes naturally and peacefully to you
I’ve been in your shoe 6 yrs ago and i blame myself for his death, the day before he died i told hin that i wanna break up with him cos im tired of our complicated situation he didnt take the part that i wanted to breakup wth him so he went drinking with his friends and i didnt even know up until he called me and saying things that was so unlikely of him like he is saying things i love you til i die and he sounded drunk, he wanted to see me that night but i refuse cos i want him to go home and rest, weve been okay that night so i assume that were gonna see each other the ff day and talk about our relationship bit lil i didnt know he into an accident and die around 4ish in the morning. My world fall apart and blame myself for what happen been depressed for more than a yr and didnt know what to do cos part of me is saying that is not your fault that it happens and part of me tells that its my fault cos if i didnt attempt to brkup wth him over the phone maybe he is still alive til now. We didnt know that things will happen at the most unexpected time, blaming ourselves everyday is the most painful feeling but at some point please let your self know that it was never your fault at all, we cant control accidents or on what will happen to us. Grieve, Cry and dont blame yourself. Everyday is a life lesson for us to do better. its not easy i know but please forgive yourself for feeling like that. God knows how you suffer from losing someone. Pray and pray it helps. may god bless you!
I am so so sorry, it isn’t your fault though. wishing you the best and I know she’s watching you from above <3
It was not your fault. Please tell your friends and family about what happened and how you blame yourself. It will help to talk about your feelings, and they will also tell you that you couldn’t have known this would happen! Lots of hugs to you OP!
Go to therapy
Tell her parents they may hate you forever, but they deserve to know everything. This may help with your guilt but that’s almost insignificant compared to them knowing the whole truth. It wasn’t your fault. People make thousands of decisions every day. You can spend the rest of your life or youth thinking that yours was the reason someone died or u can realize the truth that life sucks & whether you had a good day or a bad day you can die at anytime without it directly being anyone’s fault.
I’m so, so very sorry for your loss and for the fact that you have been dealing with this on your own.
Do you have access to mental health support or a positive support system you can lean on?
The ONLY person who should be consumed by guilt should be the drunk driver and no one else.
This 100% is not your guilt to carry. We are human, human moments happen, and I am so sorry that an argument was your last conversation, but I promise you none of this was your fault.
Please find a way to give yourself peace and recognize that you have done nothing to feel guilty for.
I wish you all the unconditional love, happiness, good health and positivity in your life.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s normal to think “what if” when a tragedy like this happens, but there is no logic to that. After your girlfriend went off with her friends there would have been other “what ifs” – maybe they dawdled altering the ultimate timeline or maybe the driver got distracted in one of many possible ways.
Basically you can take any point during that day and say “what if”. This is how life goes. You didn’t cause the accident and you aren’t responsible. She knew you loved her and she loved you. Please don’t torture yourself like this, she wouldn’t have wanted that. Be kind to yourself.
Wow
A hard hard lesson to learn brother I am so sorry you’re going through this but it isn’t your fault. My condolences firstly but that’s something I try to keep in mind. You never know if you’ll talk to someone again life’s never guaranteed as much as we like to plan for our futures
I’m sure (I hope) that you’ve heard this many times—it is not your fault. Our brains are wired to connect things and make patterns even when they’re not there. Every day couples have spats and go home separately. I know you know on an intellectual level that you could never have known she would have died, that this was completely out of your control and a random tragedy, but obviously that doesn’t make it feel any better.
Cliche suggestion, but a therapist (ideally but not necessarily a grief therapist) might be helpful if you haven’t already done so.
Mostly, I’m just so sorry. Grief is something you can’t just fix with words, and especially grief like yours with a relationship of 8 years. I wish I or anyone else here could magically convince you that it wasn’t your fault—because it wasn’t—but feelings don’t work like that.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. The truth will set you free. Though the detail seems insignificant to others, it’s huge to you and that is your reality. It is not your fault. And sharing that detail with someone else you trust may help you feel better. I know it’s hard. But again it was not your fault. You had no way of knowing. I wish you luck in your healing journey.
Have you ever watched or read 11/22/63 by Stephen King? In the book, the girlfriend was predestined to suffer from her ex. The protagonist would go back in time to try to save his girlfriend. Everything he alters the past, the present her would still be hurt. The end results are always the same no matter how he changes the past. She was either hurt by her ex, some accidents, or even cancer.
He finally realises no matter how he changes the past, the world is obstinate. The results will always be the same or even worse.
Have you ever imagined if you had taken her home, you two would be dead in a car crash instead of she and her friends and you would be responsible since you were the driver?
It has happened. The past can’t be changed. You are the only one who is still in charge of the present.
☹️
I am so sorry. This is not your fault. My daughter died 4 years ago. I still think of things I should have or could have done. But the truth is nothing would have changed the outcome. The first couple of years I was consumed with these thoughts. Now, I’m starting to understand and move past it.