The only thing that I will never understand is the concept of human loneliness. I have people around me, friends, family. I’m looking around at everyone I’ve ever met and trying to understand why them drifting away from me is a thing. There’s nothing I can do. I try to relax and let things be but talking just seems like a waste of time. My words don’t have value if the people I meet will just walk out of my life. Perhaps I am annoying. honestly I don’t have the slightest grip on reality. In all honesty I day dream more than I live and life doesn’t have much flavor. It’s bitter and annoying. I’m constantly trying to save the people around me, my family from bad relationships, friends. All while trying to save myself so much so that I’ve run into a problem. I’m sitting here trying to tell people that shit gets better, that they will be okay, but I can’t even convince myself of that. I’m lying through my teeth. Therapy, medication, talking to friends, family, meditation, religions, sexual activities, and traveling. Nothing makes it better. I’m drugged out of my mind by a therapist who is trying. I’ll give her that but I’m lost. It’s been 8 years. I was 11 when they started putting me on medications. 8 years, 3 therapists, one very short (failed attempt that no one knew about). I’m drowning and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Coffee makes it worst, drugs make it worse, pop makes it worse, and smoking makes it worst. I’m tired, I don’t want to move or go out. I don’t want to sleep, I don’t even think most of the time. Just stare off. If I’m being honest I don’t feel sad. I just want to die? If that makes any sense at all. Let’s be honest, I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself like ever but damn. 😭 I’m okay tho. I’ll be fine.