My MIL (husbands bio mom) has been the number one stressor in my life since my son was born almost a year ago.
Originally, I told my husband that I did not want her near me in the early postpartum days. He agreed, but once our son was here he lobbied for her to visit. I said okay but I don’t want her alone with our baby. Again, he lobbied and I agreed for her to watch him while we got some sleep. You can see how my boundaries around her have been picked apart from the beginning. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because my husband promised me she was great with babies.
I worried anyway and told my husband I was afraid she was going to drop our newborn. I literally said this. He said that would never happen.
Well, you see where this is going… at six weeks old, my MIL dropped and flung our baby across the room. I saw the whole thing, ER visit, no sleep for over a day, the works. I was traumatized, and still am to a degree. My son was fine fortunately.
We took a months long break from her. When I reached out to set boundaries, she verbally attacked me. We took another months long break. You can find all this in my post history.
I wanted to cut her out completely. Husband wants her in our life. I keep giving her chances.
After dropping the baby, one of my explicit rules for her is that she is not allowed to lift our son over her head. My husband and I BOTH have also told her that the baby is not to interact with her dog (because he pulls hair and because the dog is afraid of him – a recipe for disaster).
We visited last weekend. My husband walked the baby over to her. She picked him up… over head head AND THEN THREW HIM IN THE AIR. My husband and I throw him up and that’s fine, but the sheer audacity of her has me reeling. She knows I have trauma from her dropping him. She knows this isn’t allowed. And guess where she put him down? On her far side, away from me and my husband and next to her dog. Baby promptly pulled the dog’s hair and the dog reached by lunging and getting in his face, totally freaking out. I reacted as fast as possible and pulled baby away saying “THIS IS WHY WE DONT LET HIM BY THE DOG.” I handed our son to my husband and left the room for a minute so I didn’t absolutely loose my shit in front of my husbands entire extended family (who were meeting baby for the first time).
I’m done. She’s not allowed to hold our son again. I wanted this rule nine months ago. She’s taken no accountability and hardly apologized. She didn’t even say sorry when she caused her dog to almost attack our son. My husband finally agrees that she’s not trustworthy. I’m honestly upset that it took this long and that I’ve been put through so much.
She had the baby for less than ten seconds and she broke at least two rules we have, apparently she thinks she knows better. She’s utterly incompetent.
My husband is going to have a talk with her face to face. Do I write her a letter and tell her how fucked up her behavior is? Do I go along with my husband? Do I just unleash the fury via text? Do I just let him handle it?
She has gaslit and emotionally abused me, accused me of abusing my son and husband, and has made me lose days worth of sleep.
Please, tell me why I should be fired up so I can keep these boundaries. Also, tell me how fucked up this all is because I’ve been brainwashed into thinking she’s not so bad. Validate my feelings.
To be clear, I know I fucked up by allowing her access to my son up to this point. I was trying to trust my husbands judgement. It won’t happen again. I come from a very abusive mother myself, so it’s been hard to figure out what is normal and what is not.
My husband was also mislead into trusting her. You know it can be hard to realize your mom is fucked up.
Say shit about her to make me mad so I don’t get swept back into letting her be around my son.
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Other posts from /u/wildmusings88:
Mother’s Day as a new mom (in laws?), 1 month ago
Hazard in my infants Easter basket and germs, 2 months ago
Second Update to “Letter to MIL”, 4 months ago
Update to “Letter to MIL”, 6 months ago
Letter to MIL, 6 months ago
Had to ask MIL not to hide things in baby’s nursery., 1 year ago
MIL wants to invite my husband’s ex to my baby shower , 1 year ago
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You have a husband problem and you need to have better boundaries. You need to set boundaries with him WITH CONSEQUENCES as much as her. I would be dragging that man by the ear to counseling. He’s been prioritizing his mother over your needs and your babies health and safety! Only one month after an ER visit she caused ? He needs a swift kick in the butt and you need to shine your spine. He needs to stop pressing you about her or you need to go!
You said it yourself; she was given a second chance and IMMEDIATELY broke both rules that you set. She no longer deserves your trust and you’d be well within your rights to go no contact.
Your husband sucks and he’s neglectful. What kind of father would be okay with putting their child’s safety at risk just to please their mommy!? Like wtf and he still wanted her to be in your lives after the ER visit? He’s a terrible father
I mean I think it’s common knowledge that parents are supposed to you know keep their child safe. That’s like the bare minimum but at the very least that. This really actually isn’t about boundaries this is about her literally physically injuring a six freaking week old baby and then again, by the grace of god really, it was a super close call and your child didn’t get injured yet again. This seems real simple to me girl, no more. You feel free to put your foot down because enough is enough. Your husband needs to understand that you’ve gotten lucky twice with your child being in what could have been a horrific outcome and his job is to keep that child safe. And no one and I mean NO ONE is above that. Im so mad on your behalf!!!!
Naw your husband wasn’t mislead into trusting her. He meant that crap from the break. At every step he fought you over her having access to your son. Your husband is more of the problem than his mom, he knows she’s not a good individual. He has literally used his child as a meat shield to shut her up and you let him. You let yourself help your husband put your kid at risk. You stood by and let that happen, you did step in and protect your kid. You also saw the red flags before you had a kid, you just thought your mama’s boy would stand up for you. You were wrong, you let him continually bully you into putting your kid at risk. That’s on you. How did she still have access after the ER visit? Don’t blame your MIL for what you allowed your husband to do. He’s a bad father and you’re no better by standing by and letting this happen. Your job as a mom is to protect your kid, so start doing that!
I’ve seen too many autopsy photos from babies who were “dropped” to be giving her more chances. (My mom worked for cps her whole career).
Even though she might have good intentions, you can’t back down.
Be there for that conversation so he doesn’t cave, and MIL doesn’t lie. You don’t have to say anything unless that conversation is heading the wrong way. Then, be firm with the boundaries.
Dear OP, did I read that correctly? Flung the baby?
Oh hell no. She’s proven herself to be unsafe and very untrustworthy. She should also be paying the bill from the hospital. SHE caused that trip to the er. She would never darken my door again.
Your husband is going to have a visit with her face to face according to what you said. You need to go with him when this is done to make sure it actually happens. Would be best if you have someone trustworthy to watch your child when you go over there. That way it is just the three of you. If you have no one reliable then baby wear and refuse to let her hold him.
She is either very dumb or very stubborn. It doesn’t matter which, all that matters is what happens. She is NOT safe.
I would never be around her again and if husband ever mentions trying to restart you need to tear him a new a$$.
>Say shit about her to make me mad so I don’t get swept back into letting her be around my son.
Hope that helps! You also should be mad at your husband since he talked you into this.
if this was my child, MIL would be NC forever, absolutely forever. MIL knew what you didn’t want happen and did it intentionally. If husband objects, tell him he has a choice – a safe child or many days in the ER because MIL is going to hurt your child. I would never allow MIL near my child. time to get a stiff spine and protect your child – because he needs protection from MIL.
Always send it by text. Screenshot the message with her number visible (delete her contact temporarily) to use as proof that she received it, so she can’t claim that you never told her. After the initial tantrum dies down, you can explain the rules to her, but only under the stipulation that she remains calm and doesn’t try to get around any of the rules. Remember to include consequences for breaking them, and remember to enforce those consequences immediately.