So for context, I met this man a few months ago. We started off as friends and eventually became more than that.
I already called off the ‘more than friends’ thing once because I got ‘the ick’. I went from having some pretty strong feelings to being kind of repulsed by him – the main reasoning being I couldn’t stand his breath. It isn’t the worst breath I’ve experienced, even compared to some of my long-term relationships, but I’m so highly sensitive to it this time. He brushes twice a day (he occasionally skips night time but not too often thankfully), doesn’t floss or use mouth wash. His teeth are pretty white, although they aren’t that straight, and when I look closely I can see that he may not have the best enamel on his front teeth, and his gums look a little inflamed sometimes. He smoked socially up until recently but now doesn’t smoke at all. His breath still smells bad AFTER he brushes. I find it unbearable.
I broke things off and then bumped into him again and became friends, and slowly re-developed feelings for him.
Anyway, I have had this intense reaction to people’s breath for a long time. I think it correlates to my OCD. I have an obsession with my own breath, and regularly go through a full pack of chewing gum or mints a day, and even more if I’m in a social setting. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. I brush at least 3 times per day (after each meal), floss daily, use a tongue scraper, and The Breath Co mouthwash. I am terrified of bad breath. I think this also stems from trauma around my mum’s bad breath. She has had a blatant breath problem for as long as I can remember.
The guy I am seeing has now travelled to spend time with me, and is staying with me. He has been here for 10 days and doesn’t have an exit date. Sadly, I am absolutely repulsed by him again – and I think it’s his breath. I don’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to touch him. We have had sex once (on the first day he arrived). I have found myself being mean and rude to him repeatedly. I keep apologising but I can tell it’s affecting him as much as it is me.
Tonight, I offered him a Mars bar, and he said “no thanks, I just brushed my teeth”. He then followed up with “actually yeah I’ll have one!”, to which I replied “okay, but can you brush your teeth again after so that the sugar isn’t sitting on your teeth over night?”, and he said no! He said this is fine to do every now and again and that it only becomes a problem if you do it a lot and have bad teeth. I understand people skip brushing every now and again, personally I could never, but this is just bizarre to me. How can anyone sleep knowing they have chocolate smushed between their teeth?
He has no idea about his breath – he even told me one of the reasons he ended things with his ex was because she had bad breath and he lost attraction to her (he didn’t tell her that). I literally couldn’t believe the irony.
I should also add that aside from this, I find him attractive. He is tall with a great body and a nice face, a wonderful sense of humour and a good heart.
How do I handle this? Do I sit him down and explain that this is a problem, and the reasons why? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, he is a very kind and gentle man. He’s also very sensitive and takes things to heart.
Thank you in advance ❤️
Here’s a concise TL;DR for your Reddit post:
TL;DR: I (F) reconnected with a man I like, but I’m repulsed by his breath. I have OCD and a lifelong sensitivity to bad breath, and he brushes but doesn’t floss or use mouthwash, and sometimes skips brushing after eating. He’s visiting me for an extended stay, and it’s making me avoid intimacy and act short with him. I like him otherwise, but I don’t know how to tell him his breath is a problem without hurting him.
Comments
Yes, talk to him about it if you want the relationship to go somewhere!
You should probably approach this from two directions. First, you should investigate whether you can loosen up on your obsession with breath, for your own sake. Going through a pack of mints or chewing gum per day is not normal, and probably is not great for your teeth, either. So you should probably seek treatment or counseling to see if you can live a little more flexibly.
Second, you should tell him what is going on. He isn’t actually the problem, so you want to take responsibility: “I know I’ve been short-tempered with you, and the reason behind that is difficult to talk about, but it’s not fair for me to keep it to myself. I’m very sensitive to breath, due to my own history, and I’ve found that I’m sensitive to yours.”
One thing you might be clearer about is what he could do (if he wanted to) to address this. He might be willing/able to pop a mint before kissing you, for example. But if you need him to, say, overhaul his entire dental regimen, then that might be an indication that you two are not a great fit.
Dentist here ! sounds like he has periodontal disease . He needs to go get a deep cleaning and start flossing nightly, using mouth wash and scraping his tongue with a tongue scraper. Tell him you’re worried about his health. Gum disease has consequences on the rest of the body as well as causing you to lose your teeth down the line
A lot of people unknowingly have horrible breath. Some people’s loved ones just never tell them. Other people just don’t take people telling them seriously.
I knew one guy who wanted to date me who had an actual fungal infection of both his mouth and the deeper structures of his gums. You could smell he’d been in a room long after he had left. He finally got it the infection cleaned once the infection started causing systemic issues. And still resorted to his old habits afterwards, resulting in the same smell. I told him via text, twice, and he just refused to take it seriously both times.
I think you need to tell him, possibly via text, and based on his response decide whether or not to give him another chance. Send him to an oral hygienist for all I care. He’s probably seriously delusional on how to maintain good oral hygiene.