This whole “I just want to feel included” mindset is exhausting. Like, sorry, I didn’t invite you to an event I knew you couldn’t or wouldn’t come to. We both know you’re not showing up. What’s the point of the fake invite?
It’s not about being thoughtful anymore — it’s guilt-trippy emotional labor. Now I’m expected to run down a mental checklist of everyone who might feel bad they weren’t invited, regardless of whether they actually want to go or not? That’s wild.
I get that people have FOMO. But if your self-worth hinges on getting invited to things you don’t even plan on attending, that’s not my problem. If I only have room for 5 people and you always say no, guess what? You’re not on the list this time. That’s just math.
Let’s normalize not inviting people who consistently don’t show up, and let’s stop pretending that getting an invite is some sacred form of validation. Grow up.
EDIT: If you have a mental illness, or a physical illness/condition/disability or just lost a close family member/friend this is OBVIOUSLY not about you. I understand that there are many valid excuses to not join in on plans, and this post is not directed towards you at all.
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>It’s not middle school anymore. Grow up.
May guess it’s because it’s high school now. Lol anyone else wanna take a guess?
How do you know a person won’t come? How much harder is it for you to simply invite them? Like I have friends like this. Show up 1/10 times but you know what. I care about my friends enough to always include them.
Is sending a message really that much emotional labor?
Or…you could just invite me and I might surprise both of us! When in doubt, be a mensch.
definitely unpopular. i wasn’t invited to stuff as a teenager and would’ve loved to have an invitation, even if i couldn’t attend. i usually couldn’t attend anyway because my weekends were spend with my dad, but it’s nice to think my friends want to spend time with me outside of school. it’s weird that you don’t want to include your friends, you never know why they can’t go until you ask
Please god don’t invite me. I don’t want to make up an excuse to say no. I love my house and being at home is my jam. All my crap is here and my pets. Just wish me a good weekend and forget I exist until Monday.
I agree. I am all for keeping people feeling included. But if I invite you to something ten times, and each time you have an excuse or you can’t come, I stop inviting you. I start to feel like you don’t actually want to come and my invites are inconveniencing you. So I stop asking. We shouldn’t have to keep inviting people who definitely can’t or don’t want to be there, just so they get the ego boost from being asked.
I agree and disagree. If there’s a headcount, then you should prioritize the group that will be likely to show because they are prioritizing the group. If it’s like a house party or going out to eat, I would usually extend the invite to the friend group because in an ideal world, all the friends want and can come. Once you start excluding because you don’t think they’ll show, that’s when you don’t consider them a friend anymore. Which is the life lesson- friendships take time and effort and consideration to last long.
I’m surprised that this is unpopular.
Friendship is a two way street, and if someone wants to feel included they should also make the effort to spend time with friends when they can. Obviously life gets in the way sometimes, but if you’re always saying no, never the one reaching out, never making time for us, then after a few years you’re no longer a good friend.
And I’ve had friends like this. They get upset they aren’t invited to things, but when they are they never, and I mean never show up, won’t even facetime. I always wonder, what do you think friendship is? Me inviting you to everything, me checking in, and you do….what? Exist somewhere in the periphery? Relationships take effort. Actually being a friend means showing up for people.
Friends are supposed to be there for fun, for support, to share our lives with, to be there for each other, not shadows you only interact with in text messages.
Ugh, but …iTs ThE PrINcIpLe!!!
I get the people who think this is a bad take but let’s see the situation with some perspective.
OP says in the past they always invited them and stopped because they know they aren’t going to show up. If the situation were reversed, that person would absolutely stop inviting OP.
This behavior isn’t friendship it’s an exhausting ego boost. Wild how we think someone is rude for being inaccessible or to put their own needs first.
My grandfather was like this. He never went to any family events hosted by my mother. His sons, yea but my mom never ever. So she eventually stopped inviting him. Anytime he found out she hosted something and did not invite him, he would throw massive temper tantrums that lasted for months sometimes even years.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends being mad I didn’t invite them, but never showing up. Like scheduling gets complicated, life gets busy, but like at what point am I trying to get water from a rock.
I agree. But for me it’s more that everyone expects to be invited every time. Like sometimes I just wanna hang out with Bob. Or Bob goes and does things with Jeff. I don’t give a shit. Listening to a full grown adult whine about not being invited is fucking weird.
Agree and disagree at the same time, it really depends. If they cancel become of mental health issues, I’d still keep inviting them because I wouldn’t want to make them feel even more depressed from feeling left out but if they cancel just because they can’t be bothered, I’d give up inviting them.
I definitely wouldn’t invite them to an event where only a limited number of people can come, it would be stupid to potentially waste a space on the trip just to make them feel validated.
Dang, folks are really coming down on you OP. I totally agree with you, I’ve heard comments from friends that have told me people have mentioned in passing how I don’t invite them out anymore. Like, if I don’t then it’s reached a point where I’ve invited you out numerous times and you never show up and I just expect you never will? It doesn’t bother me as much but it is still annoying and I hate the trying to guilt me schtick 😵💫
My uncle is like this. Every single time I’ve invited him somewhere it was always, “No thank you” or “I’ll catch you next time.” This has happened for YEARS. Then one time I didn’t invite him, and I got an earful from him about being inconsiderate, rude, and selfish. So I stopped talking to him for months. I don’t have the energy for childish behavior from full-on adults.
A lot of yall clearly don’t have homebody antisocial couch potatoes for friends and it shows. It gets fucking annoying inviting the same mfs, trying to plan food/drinks/rides, and dealing with mr “i hate leaving the front door”
I think when you continuously invite someone only to be met with refusal invite after invite causes them to have this opinion …
Personally, if I were to encounter someone who would say no continuously to me, guess what … Even I wouldn’t invite them and not get invited in return. That’s just human nature, I guess …
Guess I’ll be one of the few that agrees with this. From what I gather, you’re not talking about one of the friends that actually has a chance of showing up. Or someone who hasn’t been able to show up for a while because life can get busy and it’s not easy to make time for everyone.
There are some people who never show up and don’t really have a reason. If you show very little interest in hanging out, it’s not on others to keep the friendship alive.
Also, if you say something that makes it clear you have no interest in a certain activity, I don’t think it needs to be taken personally if you’re not invited. I’ve had someone get upset they weren’t invited to go see a movie even after saying they weren’t interested when it was pitched as an idea as something to do. They admitted they wouldn’t have come anyways.
The people that want an invite to everything despite knowing they can’t or won’t come strike me as self absorbed.
From personal experience, some people say they will attend a function strictly because they fear that if they say they WONT attend a function, then moving forward they will no longer receive invites. In their mind, it is better to say yes and not show up, than to just say they won’t attend at all. Society is slowly becoming disconnected with proper forms of natural communication.
I understand this isn’t what you’re speaking of directly, but there is a level of correlation that I hope you could understand.
Dang, surprised at all the comments. I guess it’s more of a true unpopular opinion than I thought at first. A lot of people commenting must be those folks who have no intentions of joining a social event ever but want people to continue to chase them around. OP clearly isn’t talking about mean girl stuff like leaving one person out intentionally and inviting everyone else. They clearly aren’t talking about the person who has health issues or possible depression, etc. They are talking about that person who has declined or ghosted on an invite dozens of times, for months and years, without ever reciprocating by extending an invite themselves or making any efforts in the friendship. Why in the world is that okay and the person who stops asking for the 100th time is the asshole?
Edit: typo
Wow I completely agree. I was expecting to see that this isn’t an unpopular opinion but damn was I wrong. If you always tell me no I’m gonna stop inviting you. I feel like a lot of people are saying “what if this person has social anxiety??” Well… what about me? It hurts when a friend tells you no all the time or flakes on you all the time. If you keep telling me no then I am going to start feeling like I’m bothering you and you don’t wanna spend time with me. Why would I continue to put myself out there for you and continually get rejected?
Obviously there are extenuating circumstances that people have brought up, and it’s gonna be a case by case basis.
But overall I totally agree. I hate this culture of “putting yourself first” when putting yourself first means flaking on friends, turning down invites, and not putting any effort into your friendships… then complaining that you’re lonely. Sorry, but friendship does take work and I’m not going to continue to put in effort for someone who’s not putting any effort into me.
Everyone is going “You are a bad person for not doing something as simple as extending an invite.”
Yes, as someone who has the displeasure of dealing with several people like this, knowing they don’t show up makes me think,
– “This person isn’t reliable” or
– “They clearly don’t like hanging out with me,” or even as far as
– “They just like having me around for the ego boost of me seemingly craving their attention.”
Not to mention, everyone is skipping over the idea that if there is a limited invite list, it is best to invite the people you know actually want to show up. Imagine inviting someone, they say “no” as always, so you fill their spot, and then they change their mind—bad situation.
Lastly and most unarguably, imagine never hanging out with your friends and still expecting them to never move on. Sorry, I haven’t seen you in over a year, and with my dozens of invites, I have never received one from you. I don’t feel like I’m close enough to care anymore. I would rather not have kept inviting you and had our memories slowly fade into good ones, rather than get frustrated by them insisting on receiving invites only to turn them all down.
Treasure the ones who do wait, for they are great friends, and better honor their efforts by acknowledging that they went above and beyond what was expected of them. Never demand it of anyone.
I agree, and the majority of people here are introverts and will disagree and that’s okay OP. You guys, this is rude behavior. You’re creating more work for people who probably already expect and plan for you to say no, but are tip toeing around you to not hurt your feelings. Start reaching out more and stop expecting your friends and family to reach out just because it would hurt your feelings otherwise.
So one of our friends stopped showing up to our gatherings once he got married. He’d always have an excuse ready even when we were flexible and gave him multiple options. We meet about once in 2 weeks. About 6 months in, we stopped inviting him and he got really butthurt once he found out. Funny thing is, he didn’t find out for 4 months after we stopped inviting him. But once he did find out, he kept complaining that we don’t meet while simultaneously explaining why he couldn’t make it on the day we’re all meeting.
lol everyone here definitely is a flaker that’s why they’re taking it so personally. If there’s actual tangible reasons as to why you can’t come (kids, spouse, emergency, prior commitment, etc.) then ofc I’ll still invite you. But if you’re constantly saying yes and then flaking bc u got lazy or don’t feel like coming anymore or something better came up, then yeah, no more invites 🤷🏽♀️
the comments are awful. i agree with the op why invite someone everytime when u already know they won’t come i think its just pointless to ask when u already know the answer. yea an invite is nice but if u flake 100 percent of the time then its ur responsibility to control that emotion and get over it if u dont get an invite.
Yes, there are people like that. I worked with a young lady who’d throw a tantrum if an after work dinner was not scheduled in a restaurant she approved of. Then when it was changed to accommodate her, she’d find an excuse not to show up anyways. She was just an attention seeker. It came to the point where everyone knew she wasn’t going to show and there was still debate on whether she should have input on the planning including who should and shouldn’t be invited. It’s an unpopular opinion but still needs to be said.
In this thread:
People who never organize: It’s not that hard, just invite me!
People who do: Cool, I’ll just juggle space, timing, and group dynamics so you can ghost the RSVP!
People keep adding context to the post that isn’t actually there. No where does it say the word friend. It says people with this mentality and guess what, not all of those people are kids.
Hell, my MIL reconnected with some family members a couple years ago, right before our wedding, that my husband had never once met or even heard of prior to. We still got all kinds of messages from them about how hurt and upset they were we didn’t think of them enough to invite them to our wedding and again recently how hurt they are now that we refuse to invite them to the baby shower for our first child. They live almost 20 hrs away by car. They’ve admitted they have no plans to show up, but “we might still want to send a gift so we would need the invite sent to us that has that information on it”.
You don’t need an invite. Ffs we don’t even know you beyond your ‘poor me’ messages and what my MIL tells us about you. Op is right, these kinds of people are the worst and it’s weird everyone is trying to twist this into OP just being a shit friend.
If you haven’t already you should watch the Ellen interview where she tries to shame Dakota Johnson for not inviting her to her birthday party.
Sums up the feelings in this post perfectly.
Learned helplessness and sob stories all in the comments
I know someone who only eats crisps and bacon sandwiches, I’m not kidding he wouldn’t eat anything else. About 15 of us went to a high end steak house, they don’t sell crisps or bacon sandwiches, he was pissed off with us for not inviting him.
100% agree. As someone who likes to host, I stop inviting the flakes. I spend a lot of time & money planning, shopping, cleaning, cooking & setting up. I consider each of my guests and what they would want to eat and can eat cause many of my guests have dietary restrictions. I plan entertainment and playlists. I absolutely don’t mind if someone can’t or doesn’t want to come. I greatly appreciate a polite decline like ‘hey thanks for the invite but I already have plans” or something like that. The worst are the people that say they’re coming and then flake last minute. I’ve also noticed lately that people tend to put off responding at all. I don’t take it personally though really because I think most people are just kind of feeling overwhelmed these days.
Man, I never comment on this god-forsaken website, but the people here twisting your words to make themselves sound morally superior are giving me an aneurysm.
No, this isn’t about people who are chronically ill, or those with valid reasons (sometimes even being “I’m just not in the mood”!!), or those with busy lives. I understand all of that. It’s the people who will never, ever put the effort in to be a part of your life, no matter how often you try.
I don’t get what’s hard to understand. I’m not mad of the friend who has a busy life, who would love to make it one of these days, but it’s just not a good time. I’m upset at those friends that if you invite them to hangout 100 times, 75 times they’ll say no, and the other 25 times they say yes but will call you last second to tell you never mind. They also never try to plan with you, and it becomes a guessing game of “do they really like me?”
I have a friend who I care for dearly, but at this point it’s an expected outcome to cancel trip plans with us only days before. It has happened every single time. The only time it didn’t was when the tickets he bought were non-refundable so he was forced to join. Honestly I still invite him to things, but it comes painful when it’s a basically a false-invite, since I know he’ll never come. Occasionally the invites slow down and he’ll get upset, but whenever I ask him would you have come, he responds “no.”
Friendship is a two-way street. Everyone blasting OP over “empathy” are too busy acting like the victims to see how they can hurt the ones who love them. You have socially anxiety? You’re an introvert? That’s cool buddy, I am too. I was raised homeschooled so had even less socialization that you did. But somehow, someway, I figured out that being a friend means putting in effort. Yes, I too have those times where I can go weeks without having the social battery to hang out with friends. But I communicate that. And sometimes, I tough it out and join my friends, because that’s what they are, friends. Because what kind of friend would I be if I demanded invitations with no plans to ever join? That’s not a friend. That’s a chore.
I know a woman like this at work. She’s so obnoxious.We’ll invite her to lunch 10 times. No every single time. If we forget to invite her even once she’s going around telling everyone how awful we are and that we don’t care about her. She’ll even complain to management about being excluded. Bitch you have never shown up!? It’s annoying to go out of our way to invite someone that literally never comes. Ugh.
Oh god people are so butthurt here. I agree with OP and I have to guess other people here don’t have a friend of this type, who cries when you went out for an hour with a different friend, despite you knowing they have a work thing in the evening and they won’t even see the text before you’re back home. I am (un?)fortunately not friends with this person anymore… I just couldn’t keep up.
How people are misunderstanding this is baffling. Flaky behavior shouldn’t be rewarded. I remember making plans with someone and then someone else chimed in with “where’s my invite” I looked at them and asked “are you actually going to show up” to which they replied “well no” and I asked “so why would I extend it when you and I both know you were never going to go”.
If someone accepts once, then I’ll continue to extend the invite but if they continually decline then I’m not wasting either of our times.
It’s called a participation award for a reason.
People hate being told they’re a flake, but if I try three times to invite someone and they cancel each time I’m not doing it anymore. They have given a clear sign they do not respect the effort it takes to organize things and also don’t really want to come.
Even something as simple as going for drinks, you need to organize transport and tables if it’s a lot of you. You probably book a meal. If enough people no show it can fuck up the night, I’m not inviting someone who is 99% likely to not even try to turn up.
Agree. I actually used to hate going out but I’m that friend that got known for showing up. Friends even knew how hard it was because I had no transportation but I always found a way to show up.
I can see how it might be nice to have an open invitation, although obviously it’s not practical for others a lot of the time. It’s not as bad as the “I pretend to want to come and then flake out because I think it’ll get me more invites in the future” people, they don’t realise that their approach is annoying and doesn’t even work. Or the “we’ll invite you but we don’t actually want you to come ” people.
Perfect unpopular opinion, OP.
You managed to piss off the flaker community, over represented on Reddit and even the condescending asshat community.
The comments I expected were here, roughly 6 hours in. Marinated to perfection, my compliments to the chef.
We use group chats for this reason. Our friend groups meet once or twice every month to play badminton or for board games, but there is never pressure to attend every meet or game.
All plans go in the group chat. Those who want to join do join, those who don’t atleast they know about the plan and cant complain later about missing it. If someone new joins us a week, we add them to the group too. Started as a 5 member group, now has about 18 and we always find someone to join the games.
Nah it’s not a big deal to invite people. A true supportive friend says “you’re always invited and I understand if you can’t make it” and a true supportive friend would reciprocate that right back
Alternatively, don’t invite someone you didn’t actually want there and then get upset that they actually said yes and show up. Communicate like an adult.
This is one of those things where people take twisted versions of proper etiquette, and end up being a douchebag
Sometimes, you invite someone to be polite
But it is poor etiquette for someone to say “you should have invited me.” Now that person is just taking advantage of actual social etiquette to be a dickhead