I’m a full-grown adult now with a husband and fur babies, but when I was 17 and I made an astronomically bad decision where I lied about my age online because I wanted to be friends with people that had similar hobbies and interests to me but knew they felt weird about being friends with people under the age of 18, so I lied and said I was 19. I haven’t directly lied about it to any new people that I’ve met through these friends since turning 18 but definitely am lying by omission, but I’m still friends with the people I met when I was 17, one of them being one of my really good friends. I still haven’t confessed yet.
I told my husband about all of this tonight (obviously he knew my real age, so he was not directly affected by this). I’m so fucking ashamed of myself, I want to confess but I feel like confessing would hurt my friends more than just disappearing from their lives. I’m not worried about them being pissed at me because frankly I deserve it and worse, but I’m so fucking scared of hurting them and others because I’ve been keeping up this lie for YEARS.
TW: Abuse and Suicide
To add some additional context: I came from a very abusive home, was homeschooled, attempted suicide, and just felt so alone because I only had one friend but she was so busy with her transition to adulthood so I never saw her (I think I saw her once over a span of a year and a half). There was no intent to hurt anyone, but obviously teenager brain was not thinking clearly.
It spun out of control as the abuse at home got worse and I started looking for attention from men online who ran in similar circles because I didn’t feel wanted and thought “I’m so close to 18, it doesn’t matter, and we will never meet in person anyways” which was absolutely disgusting for me to think. If it wasn’t for that part I would have confessed long ago but it implicates people who just had no clue that I was lying, I feel so fucking disgusting for having put so many innocent people through this.
I don’t know what to do and I just want to disappear from their lives and be alone other than my husband and even that is more than I deserve.
Comments
You’re in a much different place now than you were at 17. If this was several years ago, I doubt any of your friends would really care about your age now. As we get older, friends’ ages don’t really register as much as they used to when were teenagers. You have a lot of baggage from your past, and I hope you’re getting the support you need for that, but you can let go of the guilt for shaving off 2 years. If they’re full grown adults and good friends, they won’t judge you.
You sound like you’re being really hard on yourself, at this point I honestly don’t think it would matter, you’ve been your friends for so long I can’t see them having an issue with it if you did want to come clean.
It sounds like you have issues with self-worth and you have no reason to because you sound like a sweet girl. This isn’t as big a deal as it seems. You may have lied, but it isn’t a lie that’s damaging to anyone really and it came from good intention when you were in a bad situation. We all make bad decisions in moments of high emotion.
Personally, I would just explain the situation to them if it takes the weight of your shoulders, and if they are decent people, they will understand and support you nonetheless.
Hello. I don’t know if this is helpful, but if one of my friends I’ve known got years told me they were actually slightly older than they’d said when we first met, that actually wouldn’t bother me. I would be surprised but it wouldn’t hurt me at all. I wouldn’t be angry.
The only time I would be concerned is if I’d illegally bought a young person alcohol, and that would mostly be because I want my friends to be safe.
It wouldn’t change our friendship.
I think you expect people to react explosively to your true self because that’s what your parents did.
The good news is, the rest of us aren’t like your parents. There’s actually nothing about your true self that makes a reasonable, well adjusted adult angry. Your parents are just unusually angry people.
Look, I know that reading this on the internet won’t be enough to convince you, because it’s taken me years of therapy to believe the same statement from my therapist. But hopefully this perspective helps you to take a break from being angry at yourself, or even try telling your friends more about your true self.
Tbh, everybody’s made their fair share of dumb choices as kids. I feel ya, girl. Lying, esp online, is too darn easy. But guilt’s a signal that we’ve grown beyond that BS. Now ya gotta face it, can’t run forever. Not bout punishment tho, it’s closure. Hurts, but it’s a part of making amends, y’know? Might lose some ppl, but true friends will understand. You’re brave for confessing this here, shows real guts. Best of luck out there, you got this. 💪🔥💯
You’re going on about a year difference? The website didn’t do any checks so you were free to make up whatever, and no one who you’re still friends with has said “hey by my calculations …when we met online…the math doesn’t .. hold..up”
Seriously WTF are you even worried about. Get some therapy but not about this, about going easy on yourself and putting things in perspective.
I think you are overthinking this. Yes, lying is bad. But your lie isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. You didn’t lie about your age to take advantage of others or something. It was just to fit in, right?
Just apologise, and take what they give you. They maybe upset, but may forgive you. They may not forgive you. It’s up to them to decide.
But since you consider them a good friends, worth the risk of coming clean, to start anew?
I actually have been on the other end of this. I had a friend online who lied about his age saying he was 19 when he was still 17. He wanted to be in more adult spaces and thought it also didn’t matter because he would be 18 in a handful of months anyways.
Eventually, he came clean. It was frustrating because his lie had let him into “adult spaces” that he very much shouldn’t have been in, and it could’ve gotten the rest of us into serious trouble. But honestly, I was glad when he finally came clean to us. It clearly weighed on him and I think it was good that he was able to let go of that guilt.
It definitely sucks, but I don’t think it’s as terrible as it feels in your head. You made a mistake as a teenager while dealing with a lot and when you’re in a tough headspace, it’s easy to make stupid choices.
I really think you should talk to your friends about it. It sounds like the stress is eating you up inside, and it doesn’t have to be this heavy. 🙁
If it’s any consolation, when my friend came clean to all of us, the worst is we have him a slap on the wrist and some sighing. But he was also in a bad place at the time, and we understand we can do some crazy shit when that happens.
This was five years ago and I’m still friends with him even now.
Don’t beat yourself up over this, I’m sure they’ll understand.
You’re being WAY too hard on yourself. What you’ve done is basically the equivalent of sprucing up a resume with half truths.
I’d tell them though. Just sit them down and explain. Be humble. There are ZERO real friends who would in any way hold that against you.
It’s fine to be scared and have attachment issues. You’ve had a rough life. But you deserve happiness!