for the purposes of this post I’ll call him G. I (29f) have been head over heels with G for almost a year now. we hit it off the first time we ever talked and it grew into something wonderful. he was such a great guy. he always knew just what to say whenever I was feeling down and always showed me so much love. I knew he had a weird relationship with his dad and that his dad is a nzi psycho but I never saw any signs of G taking after his father. until yesterday that is… I don’t know exactly what his dad did but apparently he finally managed to break G and warp his mind and radicalize him into a nzi like he’s been trying to do for ages because G went on a very public antisemitic/racist tirade yesterday and made r*pe threats to a bunch of people. when I confronted him he tried to gaslight me and deny everything despite the evidence right in front of my eyes. we haven’t talked since. I feel like the man I fell in love with is gone because of his asshole dad messing with his mind and I don’t know if he’ll ever come back. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t share my values. has anyone else gone through something like this???
the man I loved became a n*zi seemingly overnight
r/Advice
Comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Losing someone you love to hate, and radicalization is one of the most devastating shifts to witness. You’re grieving both the relationship, and the person G used to be or at least who you thought he was and that’s incredibly painful. You’re right you can’t be with someone whose beliefs and behavior go against your values, especially when they involve violence, hatred, and racism. The person you loved may have been real once, but the man who showed those colors yesterday is not someone you can or should try to save.
Please know that none of this is your fault. Manipulation from a toxic parent, combined with unchecked hate, can warp someone profoundly. You did what you could by confronting him, and his gaslighting only affirms that he’s not in a space for accountability or change. Stay grounded in your truth. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and morally aligned in any relationship. And no, you’re not alone sadly, more people than you’d think have faced loved ones turning into someone unrecognizable through extremism. Lean on your support system and protect your peace.
Hoping it gets much better for you
There’s 4,000,000,000 other men. Find one that’s not a bigot POS… Sorry for your disappointment through all of this. Somethings just need to be said short & sweet. Good luck!
Did you ever directly ask him if he shares the same views as his dad? If not, that’s willful ignorance.
However, if he said something along the lines as Kyrie Irving did that’s not antisemitism it’s just true. If he said such and such are animals or went full Kanye, that’s racist. Post requires more context.
In my opinion, when someone shows you who they are, you don’t need to wait around hoping the version you fell for reappears. You act. I’ve been there. Loved someone deeply. Swore they were kind. Swore they’d never cross a line like that. And then, boom. Something comes out of their mouth or out of their past, and suddenly I’m staring at a stranger in the body of someone I thought I knew. You say his dad “broke him.” But here’s the thing. G is a grown man. He made a choice. Radicalization is real, sure, and family pressure can be strong, but this man got up, opened his mouth, and made rape threats and antisemitic comments. That’s not just being “influenced.” That’s participating. That’s stepping into the filth willingly. He tried to gaslight you after being called out. That alone is enough for me.
You already know you can’t stay with someone whose values contradict everything you believe in. And let’s be real, this isn’t about love anymore. This is about safety. Emotional, psychological, and maybe even physical. There’s no “coming back” unless he chooses deep, serious accountability and change. And that’s on him, not you.
What you’re experiencing sounds like cognitive dissonance which is when your heart and your logic go to war. Your heart’s grieving the version of him you knew, but your logic sees who he is now. Trust your logic. The grief sucks, I know. But it’s cleaner than the mess you’d be in trying to stay. Walk away with your values intact. Between now and dead, do you want to love someone like that? Or love yourself enough to let go?
You know you’re having a bad day when your SO becomes a N*zi