TLDR: Guy I met on my lunch break roofied/sexually assaulted me, robbed me of my money order that would’ve paid for my 2nd term tuition of community college, used racial slurs, then blocked me after he told me that the police and no one will care or help me because I’m a black woman.
Long post but I appreciate you if you do read it:
I am a 37 yr old black woman from midwestern America. A few years ago I had to flee an abusive relationship and completely start my life over. I was homeless until my mom took me in because I had a lot of trouble finding a job. I’m literally rebuilding my life from the ground up and while it’s incredibly difficult, I am doing everything I can to better myself.
Right now, I’m in community college for a major career change and my mother is helping me with the tuition. However, she is very old fashioned and only pays via check or money order (she believes online payments are the devil lol). While I am in school, I work at a soul crushing healthcare call center to pay the bills. It doesn’t pay enough for me to support myself AND school but the health insurance benefits are decent and I’m grateful to be employed.
I started dating a white man I met at a restaurant during my lunch break about 3 months ago. He was a few years younger than me (33) but I didn’t care. I’d been incredibly lonely and was overjoyed to be noticed by someone. Once we started getting intimate, we only did it at motels/Airbnb’s bc I live with my extremely religious mom. Zack said he had a 13 yr old son that lives with him and didn’t want to introduce me until we were serious. I respected that.
A few days ago, my world turned upside down. The last thing I remember is us going out for tacos and having a drink before we were headed back to the motel. I woke up the next day in the bed totally alone with a massive headache and puke all over me.
My phone was under the pillow but my purse and wallet were gone. I felt incredibly sore in my vagina and anus. My asshole was leaking blood and feces. Stupidly, the money order for my tuition had been in my wallet. I was going to drop it off at CC the morning after we hung out because the motel was literally down the street.
I never had bad vibes or thought he would do something like this!!!!! I am in utter disbelief. I have been assaulted and raped before but never roofied. I don’t understand why someone would do this. He seemed so normal!!!!
I texted and called him frantically. No answer and I assumed I was blocked.
Lo and behold about 2 hours later, he replied to my texts/calls about going to the police with a text saying “no one gives a fuck about a n-word (you can fill in the blanks) bitch. Good luck.” That’s the last I’ve heard from him. Apparently he was using a textnow number this whole time and his name isn’t really Zack.
I am at my wits end and have been crying everyday since. Why am I so stupid? My mother blamed me when I told her what happened and said it’s because of my “jezebel spirit” and she is not going to give me anymore money. I am going to have to miss the next semester bc my call center job doesn’t pay enough despite performing above average. Why are some men like this????? I just wanted companionship. Do I not deserve love because I’m a black woman? I constantly get abused and used up by all races. I am desperately trying to change my life and it’s nothing but setback after setback. I’m sorry for the long text. I’m so ashamed
Comments
Hey, I’m just a stranger online but I care. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. I am so, sorry that your mother isn’t supporting you. That’s not right.
You did not do anything to deserve this. You matter. Please look into charities for victims of sexual assault to get support. The texts you have can be used as evidence if you feel safe enough to go the legal route. But even if you don’t, thats okay. You aren’t responsible for his actions.
Hey, don’t be ashamed. The only people that should feel any shame in this is the man who did this to you & your mother. If you have not already, check to see if your college has any counseling services and talk to someone there. It’s really crucial that you do this as soon as possible as people (like your mom) will say the damnedest of things that can cause more damage in addition to what you’ve already experienced. They should have someone that you can talk to. There’s also RAINN & they have a 24 hour confidential hotline: https://rainn.org/resources If you haven’t sought out medical assistance, please do so.
You absolutely do deserve to be loved. I hate that that pos said those things to you and it’s just like a man to pick out the vulnerabilities to grind their victim down even more. I hate that he chose the color of your skin as that target as he’s playing that racist card in the hopes that it’ll prevent you from reporting his ass. That’s probably why he said it.
You’re not stupid. You thought you’d met someone nice and it turned out that they were a monster. There’s a lot of us who have done that. Wolves in sheep’s clothing as the saying goes. It’s not that we’re stupid. It’s that there are some really vile nasty individuals on this planet pretending to be human.
As far as college goes, a couple thoughts there. You’re dealing with a lot so maybe it’s not a bad thing to take it easy this term. Trying to navigate the trauma of what happened to you plus the situation with your mom is going to be a lot. When it happened to me, my grades plummeted pretty badly & that became just another hurdle for future me to overcome. Have you looked into seeing if you’re eligible for a Pell Grant when you’re ready?
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve any of this. It’s not your fault. Please go to a women’s shelter or something and get advice on what to do.
I hope you can get someone to talk to.
Try to get justice. The system is broken but it’s worth a shot. Go to the police
Also, please start your journey of decentering men. I’m a black woman too, and of all women, we should be the first to decenter men (and by men I mean all races of men).
Bw exist at the intersection of misogyny and racism and men tend to get even more entitled with us.
If you’re going to date, please vet ruthlessly. Yes, this will mean going on fewer dates but your own peace and safety is worth it.
Put more energy into building community with other women. That’s how we’re going to survive.
holy cow, I’m so sorry this has happened. A few things you need to do.
I hope this helps and am hoping for the best for you moving forward. Life is tough and your going through it but it will get better and you will come out of this a stronger person.