We’ve reached a point where my husband has agreed to draw a boundary with my MIL. Part of that boundary will be taking space from her, her drama, and her not meeting our baby when he’s born in a few months.
Where I’m struggling is he says things like, “I’m doing what you’ve asked” or “I’m doing this for you” and “I know it’s for the best but it’s still difficult”. I just wish he could see it from my perspective instead of doing it just because I’m asking for it. I want him to understand that she is the problem, and we’re acting in response to her actions… this isn’t to punish or hurt. He also doesn’t understand that drawing boundaries is an act of love – it’s the hope that she will understand our needs and work to meet them so we can have a healthy relationship with her. Again, not to punish or hurt even though that’s what she’s initially going to feel.
The enmeshment runs so deeply, especially since his dad passed away a few years and she started to rely on her children as her only source of happiness and fulfilment. Now that he’s trying to establish a life and family of his own, she’s drawn her attention to me – the person who swooped in and stole him. Even saying it out loud feels crazy because this isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy, but it’s taken so much work to even get my husband to this point of I guess, semi acceptance? I wish so much that we were totally on the same page rather than going along with it all. I know he loves me and understands at least to some degree, because otherwise he wouldn’t be willing to do this for us… but I’m scared it’ll result in resentment down the road. I think part of me also feels a little resentment because I couldn’t imagine wanting any type of relationship with someone who treats my spouse the way she’s treated me, and yet the thought of cutting her off is just killing him inside. I’m trying not to be too hard on him for this because I understand there’s a lot of psychological conditioning that has happened and he’s also her victim, even if he doesn’t realize it.
I don’t know how to support him without it coming across like I’m just being loving to get my way. I can tell this is all killing him and he hates conflict and confrontation to begin with. I’ve offered to be the one to deliver all this news to her myself since I know I’m going to get all the blame anyway. I just don’t know how to get more united on this front.
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First – get him to counseling
Second – I personally would not cut him off from his mom. He is allowed to have any relationship with her he wishes. But, that does not obligate you or any children to anything.
Therapy for him so he can establish that his relationship with his mom isn’t normal or okay. Sounds like he has to come a long way considering how he has been conditioned to think.