I’ve noticed that something has started bothering me, which means I no longer perceive this as normal. I quite enjoy giving compliments to my (girl) friends, women, female colleagues whenever I see something I really like – hair, earring, their dress, or that they look wonderful overall. And it annoys me when they respond, oh no, I actually don’t look great, my hair is a mess, etc etc. Or they completely reject the compliment. And then expect me to double down, to provide the justification as to why I think they actually do look good, to convince them. I started finding this behavior exhausting. Being humble is probably good, but I don’t want to play your game of finding ways to convince you you’re actually gorgeous… I realize I might get down votes for this. But it’s pissing me off because either they were conditioned not to think nice of themselves? Sometimes some women just take the compliment and say thank you. That’s it! Or sometimes they return my compliment as well, which is also a pleasant exchange. For context, I am a straight woman. I wish those ladies would just stop making themselves look smaller. Rant’s over
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A big part of me still struggles to take compliments from a childhood of growing up invisible or made fun of and nothing in between lol. I saw a meme once that framed accepting a compliment when being uncomfortable about compliments was to accept it so you could pass it onto others. This has really helped me a lot and I’ll usually give a thanks and a compliment back but it took a long time to get there. As an aside I love giving compliments for things people choose like outfits and accessories.
Does it seem to you like the non acceptance of compliments is way more common than it used to be? I’m so curious what the reason could be for that, if so. 🤔
Rather than double down I go into ‘therapist’ mode. “Why is your instinct to say no or reject nice words said about you?” Or even a “I used to struggle accepting compliments myself. I learnt to say thank you and then with time they stopped feels so foreign to me.” And then continue on with my day.
It is exhausting trying to make someone accept good words about themselves, let them do the work to unpick why.
I agree with this so much! (“Just take the darned compliment!”) And I also have struggled with it out of insecurity. Here’s what I’ve realized that has helped me eliminate the struggle and just accept and return any kind of compliment:
The exchange of compliments is a real “conversation,” (con- prefix meaning “with” versa meaning talk, so “con-verse” = talk with). But the nonacceptance of a compliment and explaining it away turns quickly into just a “versation” where the “complimentee” is just talking themselves out of accepting the complimentor’s idea. Being more of a conversationalist, and less of a “versationalist” makes for better outcomes because the complimentor is not left after an initial exchange wondering “well, which of my ideas will they reject next?” That’s my theory anyway and I’m sticking to it!