I’m almost 30, chronically ill, haven’t been able to leave my house since October with the sole exception of hospital stays… not a guy with anything going right.
I’ve acknowledged this before, but it’s never fully clicked that I’m never going to be in a relationship again. I’m never going to have that again. I’m never going to wake up with someone again.
It’s not anyone’s fault, whatsoever. I certainly don’t blame any woman on this planet for NOT wanting someone in my shoes. It’s literally all baggage. All I have to give is love and being average looking. Nothing else, at all. I wouldn’t be with me, if I were a woman– not by a long shot. It’s limiting. Extremely limiting.
Just watched as my ex moved on with her life, is having a child and getting married. I’m not angry at her. I’m jealous, in the most painful way, but I’m not angry. I pray for her and her soon-to-be child every day.
I lost this life lottery. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. And that really sucks, to realize that for a few years I got to know the love of a beautiful woman (and honestly I don’t think I could ever love anyone that way that I loved her anyways,) and that I’ll never be able to know it again. I’ll never have the chance.
My whole life is torturous, and honestly that was the one thing I truly loved the most was loving and being loved. Every time I see a picture or video of some pretty girl, my chest just hurts a little anymore.
I want to edit this to add:
I’m sad that there’s a 99.9% chance I’m just never even going to have the opportunity. I’m never going to build the life I dreamt of. If I meet someone I find beautiful inside and/or out, I know it won’t go anywhere. I’m just having to accept this bedridden mediocrity of chemical life support and depression, for however long that lasts… and I’m not even 30, man. It really just sucks. And it’s nobody’s fault! Not even my own. It hurts, nonetheless.