I feel so sad, I don’t know what to do. I’ve just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I’m the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I’m a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can’t afford to buy, so I’m renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I’m close to work. I live by myself.
I’ve never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I’m never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I’m 35 and haven’t been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I’ve moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I’ve changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.
My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I’ve tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I’ve found the whole process depressing as hell. I don’t know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I’m usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?
I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.
Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I’m doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.
Comments
Therapy, my friend 🙂
If it makes you feel any better, my cousin is a doctor and she felt very similarly to you at 35. I always thought she was crazy because she was doing something so important, and yet had virtually no self-esteem due to not having a boyfriend (a sentiment which, unfortunately, her mother very harshly fed into as well).
She met her now-husband that year, got married two years later, and now, at 40, has two gorgeous little boys. She’s happier than she’s ever been. So… girl, be proud of what you’ve accomplished and don’t lose hope too early! Yes, there’s a lot of luck involved but a lot can happen in the next five years.
Comparison is a thief of joy.
It is early April, what have you accomplished for YOU so far this year? I want to know, it can be anything! Anything is worth celebrating, especially when it is good growth! For me I got up at 7am! I have been struggling and slowly for months been tweaking my evening and morning routines, and for the first time I actually woke up at 7 and didnt feel like absolute ass! Lately its been a mix of 7:15 and 7:30 wake up times but to hear the alarm go off at 7 and my brain went “oh yea baby we get Acai bowls for breakfast” was awesome!
I see you as someone who is 35 isn’t stuck in a miserable marriage with kids and struggling. I want to get divorced and I can’t name a single person in my life that is loving life at the moment. lol
Therapy has helped me immensely come to terms with my own path and growth and that everyone else can suck it 🙂
You are damn doctor.
I’m not saying find God or join a religion, but when I was really lost, taking time to reflect upon myself opened me up to a spiritual side that was larger than anything I’d grasped before.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you need to trust your own path and what guides you. Everyone is different for a reason. When you  don’t trust yourself, trust the universe. It’s so mysterious in its intelligence.
You became the man you hoped to marry
Hang in there. You will find someone. Just make sure to prioritize having a social network and dating. It can be incredibly hard with a demanding job. But sometimes you have to prioritize yourself. You can be a doctor for another 30 or 40 years if you want to. Plenty of time to help people and make money. Now is the time to make your life a priority.
Stop comparing your life to others.
When I was single I’ve felt lonely. But I never felt sad because I felt life was a race I was calling behind in or that people who were coupled were ahead of me in some competition. Do you normally see the world in such competitive tones?