I’m currently NC with my in-laws for myriad reasons. This is just the most recent. They just retired, and bought their baby granddaughter a condo. And when I say bought, I mean they picked it out and took out a mortgage that they pay and the BILs family just gets to live in it.
Did I mention that this condo not coincidentally closed on my DD”s 20th bday? The one that they didn’t bother to call, text, or mail the $40 gift card they’d tossed into an envelope and waited for my DH to pick up from their place a month an a half later?
He says I’m being unfair for judging them based on one gift.
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You’re not judging them based on one gift, but on two. And the crazy disparity between the gifts.
Tally up every gift they’ve given your daughter over her lifetime. Anything they’ve spent to come visit her, to do activities, to buy her presents, literally anything. Then on the other side of the paper, put the cost of the condo. Ask your husband if he still thinks it’s unfair. If he says yes, then he’s willfully blind to their mistreatment of his family, and he needs therapy to get his mother’s programming out of his head.
Ouch. That’s pretty clearly unequal treatment.
Not familiar with your family structure – do you mean your daughter is a step-grandchild? As in a child from a previous relationship? And you are angry that they bought their grandchild who is a baby and her parents a home? I can’t tell if your husband adopted your daughter or how long this conflict has been active or how long they’ve known her, but I hope you know that the gift your daughter received was entirely appropriate for a 20 year old that you are related to but not close to. If your husband is angry that his sibling has a free place to live (but not ownership apparently) that’s more reasonable. And I can’t tell if this is a typo, but yeah I’d say the closing was a coincidence because those things can be hard to schedule and have to have certain steps completed and ready before you can do it.
Who TF buys a baby a condo??? That’s just weird. And your BIL is a loser for being a grown adult who lives off Mommy/Daddy AND his own kid. I mean, yikes. I’d probably be a bit shocked at the disparity between grandkids and “gifts” but just remember, that condo comes with a million strings attached, guaranteed. Your niece might find that the condo is a leash one day. She’ll have expectations and obligations to meet. Maybe look at it like this: the gift to your daughter is that she’s not beholden to anyone. There will be no comments like “Look what we did for you!” That’s a lifelong gift, if you ask me.
(I may also just be a bit more practiced at writing things like this off- my kids are the black sheep on both sides of the family. My nephews all have gotten way more- in gifts and time- than my kids combined, so I’ve had to find ways to be ok with it. NC helps 😁)
NOR for expecting consistency from narcissistic in-laws. Gift card =/= actual financial support. Sounds like they’re buying love/validation from the grandkid while ignoring their adult son’s family. NC seems justified.
I can’t even begin to understand how that actually works. You can’t put real estate in the name of a minor. Sounds like there are lots of “gifts with strings” in play there.
There is no world in which I would willingly live in a house paid for by my parents/ILs. Holy enmeshment!
It’s the favoritism that rankles. However. Any gift from them would have huge, huge strings.
So…. BIL, presumably his partner and kiddo live in a house picked out and paid for by your inlaws?
Man, you dodged a fucking BULLET.
It really sucks that they don’t treat your daughter equally, but OTOH, do you WANT them to? Do you WANT to live in a place they picked out for you with all those strings attached?
I would let this go. You’re right to be upset, but changing people who operate like this won’t happen. Protect your children as best as you can. I wouldn’t let your daughter know what they have bought for others because allowing her to know will cause her so much hurt.
If they took out a mortgage, they must not be that wealthy, right? I wouldn’t worry about it because your BIL might be paying for it at some point anyway.
No, they let BIL and His wife pick it out. They wanted to look in one city but BIL said that city was too far. The difference in prices was at least 100 K less but maybe 15 minutes more drive to his job.
That sounds like a win. They would feel entitled to show up and let themselves in whenever because “they bought it.”
Yeah, one gift that’s basically a high-budget power move, not generosity. They’re buying influence, not love. Your DH’s too blind or too polite to see it, but that condo’s a trophy, not a present. You’re not being unfair, just painfully awake.