A large life changing talk occurred the other way between us when I asked her if she still wanted to have a biological child with me. We’ve had a rough patch recently for about a month, the struggles of this can be read on the previous post on my account.
To preference this, through the last 3 years of our relationship she has told me that she wants to have a biological child with me. I’m not rushing anything and it definitely isn’t something on the very near horizon. She had stated at the beginning of this relationship that she never wanted to have children (she has an 8 year old that wasn’t created intentionally). But she stated when she met me that changed, that she wanted to have a child with me.
She guaranteed me atleast 1 child together, and promised that to me. (I never pressured her into saying this or making this decision). But what she expressed to me was that she wanted to be married first before having another child (entirely fair).
Well the other day she changed her mind (which she is completely entitled to do). She stated that “a child will kill me and I won’t survive the pregnancy.” In her first pregnancy she experienced pre-eclampsia early on, and is very worried it’ll be worse than the first pregnancy. With that said she also stated that “I can’t physically survive the pregnancy, mentally survive it or emotionally survive it.” (These are also completely real and fair fears)
This is a big deal, everything changed in a moment. We have been in a rough patch for roughly a month now due to the things mentioned in my previous post. I love her with my entire heart, I saw a future with her and we were aligned for the entirety of this relationship. But suddenly that has all changed, and I’m left deeply hurt, feeling like l’ve been told what I wanted to hear this entire time.
I don’t want to just up and quit the relationship regardless of the issues outlined in my previous post. I love her and her son with my entire heart. Is there even a way to navigate this misalignment?
TL;DR; : For 3 years, my girlfriend told me she wanted to have a biological child with me, even though she never wanted kids before me (she already has one).
She promised me we’d have at least one together after marriage (not married yet). Recently, she changed her mind, saying pregnancy would likely kill her or be mentally/emotionally unbearable due to past complications (pre-eclampsia, insomnia).
I fully understand her fear, but this is heartbreaking. Having a child is a core life goal for me. I love her and her son, but now we’re completely misaligned. I’m feel incredibly hurt and lost, how do I even begin to navigate this?
Comments
It’s hard to say if this was a comment that’s being said in a rough patch or this is her new stance.
Many people say things during rough patches.
You’ll need to give her time to cool down and built up the relationship properly.
It’s not really relevant to discuss children if you aren’t even certain you will be together. Children come after the development of a solid relationship.
It’s hard to say if this is a short term mood of hers or it’s a long term position but if she’s valuable to you, give her some space, and develop the trust again properly and when she’s in a better mental position bring up the children again.
We don’t know how long that process will take but that’s basically your only path.
At that time she may still not want children and you’ll have to take her word for if she says she has changed her mind fully.
Expecting children from someone who repeatedly tells you she doesn’t want them will lead to disappointment for both of you in that continues long term.
Good luck!
Compatability issues can develop. People change over time. You must realize that when you are with someone, they will become multiple different people in a single lifetime.
If she doesn’t want kids and you do, this is a deal breaker. There is no way around it. Time to move on and find someone who aligns with you.
Well, tehres on garunteee wit humans, their opinions are cnstantly changing and its outside of your control. She could have fully wanted to have a child with you, but over the past few years that has changed. People change over time, ands sometimes it ends relationships. Sometimes couples can change and grow together, sometimes they change and grow apart. Sometimes they split up, sometimes they stay in those unhealthy and unhappy relationships. there is no black and white, or right and wrong.
She has every right to change her mind, and you have every right to feel cheated, upset, and like you wasted time. Those things can both be true.
all you can do is talk with your partner and figure it out, or dont.
Sounds like you’re incompatible now
i completely understand your hurt & it’s okay to have your feelings. however, her concerns for her health & mental health are also 1000% valid and i hope you do not try to pressure her into anything because that’s not fair. if this is indeed a dealbreaker for you, set out your feelings to her & end the relationship.
if you guys are indeed having a rough patch tho, you need to not focus on the kid thing & build your respect/trust/happiness/whatever it is back up again. then perhaps re-visit the conversation again & see if there’s been a change.
also, just given the fact that she does have a child & you love the kid, im assuming your goal is to have a blood related child. that is perfectly okay & in no way am i disrespecting that. but in a way though, you do have a kid.