There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about all of it

There isn’t a single day I don’t think about you or us.

Reading a book reminds me of you, and a song makes me wonder if you’ve heard it and liked it. Even a character in a TV show or movie can bring back the memories of you.

For 20 years I have wondered what it would be like for us again.

I was so afraid to meet you when we started talking again. I gained the weight back to when we first met. I’ve had two major life changing health events and some extremely destructive relationships that have changed me.

I’m married to a wonderful man that I love dearly and who treats me incredibly well but I am not IN love with. I don’t want to tell him but, he was the only person that ever said they wanted to really marry me and not have it be some game to get me to do the things they wanted.

There are so many things I want to tell you but am afraid it will be too much or that you will quit talking to me again.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this, except that it feels like a safe space to express my emotions. I hope that by doing so, I can find a way to be okay without you.

We’re planning to move out of state, and while I’m fine with leaving home, the thought of it being nearly impossible to see you again is what holds me back.