My daughter (2yo) had a dance performance recently. When I told them about it originally, they said they had an out-of-town event. However, about a month ago they realized they had the dates wrong. They told us, and her, that they were going to be able to be there after all. MIL asked for the details and my husband sent them again. The performance was a 10 minute walk from their house.
I sent everyone a text that morning of her at her rehearsal and no one responded. Then, 15 minutes before the performance, husband texted them asking where they were. No response until later, and they said they were doing yard work. My husband took a few days to calm down and then asked what happened. Apparently they forgot. She’s the only grandchild. They are both retired. They double checked on the details and told my daughter they’d be there. I even sent a text about it that morning.
My daughter is so easygoing and happy, but she did notice they weren’t there as promised. She has an insane memory and remembered they said they’d be there. Fortunately, my parents drove in from 4 hours away and she was so excited to see them that I think it distracted her.
I know it’s not as huge of a deal as some of the other things I see here, but it’s just kind of a “last straw” for me. Before, they’ve taken jabs at my parenting in front of her (for example “mommy shouldn’t let you have that [food item, etc], it isn’t safe and you could get hurt” or “mommy will be so mad at you if you get dirty” when I literally encourage messes). However, now my daughter has been disappointed by them and it broke my heart.
My husband asked me to send them a video of the performance but I said no. I sent it to him and told him he can send it if he wants but I can’t bring myself to do it.
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I don’t buy that they forgot at all, I think they just couldn’t be bothered. Do they regularly forget things? Drop the rope and treat them accordingly.
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I’d go NC. There’s no excuse for them not to be there.
Please give daughter a hug from this reddit auntie {} for a job well
You tried! I don’t buy the whole doing yard work/forgot excuse, unless there’s something medical. You literally reminded them that morning, and if they had genuinely forgot, one would think they’d be a little apologetic or remorseful! They really don’t deserve that video- they missed out, maybe next time they’ll care a bit more.
I wouldn’t even have sent it to him just to make sure they didn’t get it. You’re a good woman Savannah.
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My in-laws would do this. I would send them times when my kids were playing sports or had events at school. Would never hear back. But we better drop everything and drive 3 hours north to visit them in 2 days. Drop your other plans, you have been summoned. I stopped trying. I stopped inviting. I stopped putting in any work or effort into trying to maintain a relationship with people who “put up with me “
This is lame. What I say to my SIL when my MIL doesn’t show up for our children is that the only person who misses out is the person who doesn’t show up. You don’t get re-do’s or invites to events if you can’t be bothered to show up. I don’t make a stink out of it, but I do leave them off the list for the next time.
Stop inviting them… just quietly drop the rope. And don’t send the video. FYI, I’m a mum, MIL and Gran and I’d be in the front row cheering on the little human at every opportunity. It makes me sad they just don’t seem to care.
Stop inviting them to anything. If they want a relationship, they can work at it. And tell your husband too. You need to be united on this.
My parents and my in-laws all drop everything to be at their grand children’s anything. My dad literally got off his deathbed to attend my youngest daughter’s birthday party (cancer finally won less than a month after)
I invited my mil to my daughters dance recital literally 7 months in advance and reminded her every time I saw her about it. When it came time to buy tickets she said she had plans. Then a few months later she “joked” how no one tells her anything
Tell them no worries as her other grandparents remembered and drove four hours so she was too excited to notice they forgot her
This was a frequent issue when my daughter was growing up. So much so that at her high-school graduation, there were only 6 seats available and she opted not to include one set of her grandparents. Instead, she chose two other people who were not family by blood but were in every other single way imaginable. Everyone was invited to our house after the ceremony for a barbeque, food, cake, and fun. When my MIL found out she was not included in the group to actually see my daughter walk across the stage and get her diploma, she LOST IT. Why are we being so mean!! Why didn’t we include her and FIL but we did have my parents there!!!! My husband told her that our daughter selected the guests for that and to not bring it up with her or be rude about it or snippy or start crying – if any of that was going to happen then don’t come to our house for the barbeque either. She is long gone and in her grave now but I truly wonder if she EVER figured out why she wasn’t invited. She said she would come so many times and bailed at the last minute that everyone was just so tired of her shit.
Oh gosh, this reminds me of when I bring the kids to see the ILs. They always say they’re free, but the moment we arrive–we live in another country so our vacation time is limited–they’re suddenly not available. My favorite excuse from them? They’re hosting a Tour de France watch party and can’t see us. Then they pout and insist they want to be with the kids. So aggravating…
Your daughter’s memory is impressive! I have a feeling she’s going to catch on quickly (if she hasn’t already) that that set of grandparents is not to be relied upon and that you are not the monster they are making you out to be. I’m glad to hear that your parents are able to enjoy her even if they live far away.
My 2 year old remembers EVERYTHING and is so empathetic. This would kill me. I’m sorry they are so self-absorbed and inconsiderate. If they didn’t want to go, they shound have said so. It’s SOME GAL to ask for a video! They disappoint your child and then want to experience still?
Ohh man, that sucks! I understand. My MIL has forgotten and just downright declined my kids special events. I stopped bothering to invite.
As for questioning your parenting in front of your child and making statements about you – NO! They do not get to do this. And you need to put a stop to this asap.
You all need to be on the same page about this. If there is concern, you pull each other to the side and raise it.
The blaming you for things is a failure on their part to accept accountability. You don’t want Miss2 to make a mess, then say so. Don’t blame it on mum getting mad.
If you want to find a support group, r/absentgrandparents is a good subreddit for this kind of thing.
My husband and I (childfree) got invited to the graduation dinners for 7 of our 13 nieces and nephews. Mostly because we were the ride for their grandmother, but also because we always supported all the kids in their endeavors.
It’s not hard to be there for one kid, especially when it’s a 10 minute walk, that means it’s like, a 3 minute drive. I hate that for your daughter.
My great niece will be figuring that out soon enough at four years old. Her paternal grandmother and her husband are all about “fairness”, but when they visit (they chose living in Mexico for the winters), he hides out drinking beer and she is on her phone most of the time. Her other grandparents are there helping on the farm, for living room dance parties and coloring contests and movie nights. We live a half a mile away, and I was just interrogated as to “why did you need a new car auntie??” lol.
This weekend, she and I are painting fairy houses so that we can both build some community housing for all the fairies that seem to be loose around our farm. I hope you can find some bonus family for your daughter to enjoy her company more than her grandparents do.
My parents drop everything for my kids, even just to attend school assemblies where they stand awkwardly and sing.
My In-laws will only do it if my oldest is involved. But this year they skipped her recital because they were afraid to face me because I was “nasty” when I told them off for driving my kids around with no car seats/seatbelts and my oldest in the front seat. They were not missed.