I started a new job this month as the only woman on a team of men for a pretty physical job. I received a really warm welcome from everyone at first, and had been assured by multiple people that this was a progressive environment and I’d be treated like anyone else. But I can’t stop thinking of all the weird little moments I’ve already collected.
One coworker kept finding reasons to touch and put his arms around me. Others I have to fight with to carry equipment. People keep looking at me like a lost puppy on the worksites and I feel like I’m shrinking. Some have shared deeply personal trauma and while I appreciated their openness, would they be doing so if I were a man?
I’m driving myself crazy wondering if I’m overanalyzing things and if I’m actually the problem. I genuinely didn’t think I’d be so aware of my gender like this, and I’ve never psyched myself out about it before.
Anyone have any advice for keeping my head on straight so I can just focus on the work?
Comments
Report the more severe stuff to HR. The physical touch and trauma-dumping is definitely not appropriate and no I don’t think you’re overreacting.
You are not the problem.
I’ve been in your shoes. Unless you’ve been the only woman in an all male workspace before, you can’t really get just how baseline weird it is.
Especially with men who do not really interact with women outside of their family. Like the woman working at the drive thru or gas station are the only non family member women they talk to on a weekly basis.
They are just so maladjusted to having normal relationships with women out in the world.
Working with the same crew all the time, you can establish a normalcy that feels ok. Every time a new dude shows up on site it all breaks down again. I did it for a number of years in different work spaces. I realized there was nothing I could do to fix it. That I was putting in way more than I was getting out of them.
Now my baseline is 20% women. Specifically in technical leadership positions if that is relevant to the organization.
There is a world of difference between male dominated and all men except for you.
Edit: as far as how to make it normal. It kinda depends. Figure out who is the least weird and focus your efforts of becoming comfortable but never close.
Set hard boundaries, especially with the touching thing. Set them early and often. Everybody should know “Susan doesn’t do touching”.
Don’t try to be like them, lean into your strengths. “Hey, can you grab the other side of this, I’m not going to throw my back out.” balances with “let me get in there with my tiny lady hands and get the bolt you dropped.”. When I did my hands on jobs I’d volunteer to fit into the cramped spaces and give away the heavy lifting. I’d make jokes about “this is why they had child labor for so long”. Be upfront about the things you’re good at and the things you aren’t. Advocate for taking on the things you’re good at. The maximum you should fight the heavy lifting thing is ergonomics like “let me grab the other side so you don’t throw your back out like Bob last month”.
You have to be a bitch.
When these guys trauma dump, you have to NOT do the active listening thing. I would just stay totally silent. Walk away mid-sentence if you can. It’s going to feel radical and crazy but being a total bitch is really the only way to survive in a male dominated space.
Source: military veteran
Just keep asking yourself the following: “Would they be behaving this way if I was a man?” If not, report them to HR. The definition of sexual harassment/discrimination is treating someone differently on account of their sex. Don’t let them get away with this.
There have been great things said already and just to add my thoughts.
If there’s a contract or document outlining the boss’ expectations of behavior, find it and commit it to memory, so that you can call out inappropriate behavior and you don’t cross any boundaries, either.
I was a flight attendant—Jesus, 20 years ago. We were on small planes, 2 pilots 1 flight attendant. Male pilots were the norm, so we’d be together for long stretches of time, early mornings, late nights, getting meals together and there was plenty of time for boundaries to get messy. We were told in training that if anyone said anything to make you uncomfortable, you were to say “Red Card!” And if it didn’t stop, that’s harassment.
Your level of comfort is ultimately at your discretion. I had a ton of fun with some pilots whose jokes were off color, but I also red carded one who tried to make me sew a button back on his shirt. I don’t look that fondly on that fun pilot with his “pimp hand” now, but then it was funny. I learned a lot about myself and apply a lot of those boundary setting and maintenance skills today.
Good luck!
u are not the poblems here; toxic work enviroment
Hey, I know what you’re talking about. I’ve been in a similar environment for 3 years. It can be really hard. I try to set clear boundaries, avoid people who sexualize me or are troublesome emotionally or have bad boundaries. Easier said than done.
But I’m a little rowdy now and i will clap back. It can make the situations more complicated if you upset some important man’s fragile ego.. But usually there is some respect given for those who bare their teeth a little bit and stand up for themselves. It’s some silly socialized behavior that men practice instead of just giving respect as a bare minimum.
Sometimes the good men I meet in the trades can’t see what makes a bad man bad. But I’ve had great people (men) go to bat for me. There is rarely true empathy, other than from other females. I’d suggest finding community with other tradeswomen, talk about these experiences. It helps me lighten my mental burden.
One of my coworkers is the only woman in a team of 20+ men. She has better work ethic, integrity and dependability than most of the team. She leans into the unfortunate reality that a woman typically has to be excellent to be considered equal to mediocre men; but even then equality is not guaranteed.
She leans into her strengths and requests help with weaknesses. Edit: she has no problem utilizing men’s willingness to carry the heavy stuff for her and she’s quick to use her ‘customer service voice’ to coordinate support for the rest of the team.
She told me recently that a coworker was starting to be sexist and misogynistic and she told him that he needed to stop because she didn’t want to turn into a scared gay woman that needed to go to HR for his inappropriate behavior. He stopped, apologized and hasn’t made comments like that since. Even though management was informed and they followed up, her ability to set boundaries for unacceptable behavior was empowering.
One common complaint is that when she is operating the control board she will instruct or advise the team on what someone needs to do, as is her responsibility. They will then come ask me what needs to be done. I’ll say the same thing she did and she gets understandably frustrated. I’ve started asking the team what she said if they ask me. I tell them to do what she said. It sucks that a competent woman in the workplace still needs the validation of a man’s approval to be believed, but she has told me she appreciates me being her ally in that. She’s a better control board operator than most of the other guys, so she makes it easy for me.
Being a woman in a male dominated workplace usually sucks. I hope you can find the tools you need to flourish in it, because we need more women in them.
Next time one of these dudes starts to trauma dump on you please tell him you’re happy that y’all can get this personal because your period cramps have been really bad and the size of the clots coming out of you are alarming. Describe them in detail.
Actually don’t he’ll probably go cry to HR.
Years ago I worked in a call center. I have really bad endometriosis and the only way I could even go to work on the first day of my period was on lots of meds and with a heating pad. This was before cordless heating pads existed.
Anyway I was at my desk with a heating pad on my lap minding my own business when a male coworker walked up to ask me a question about work. When I turned my chair to speak to him he saw the heating pad on my lap and he asked me if I had an injury. I said oh no I just get really bad cramps, and then I finished answering his question.
A couple hours later I got called into HR because he was upset I talked about my period with him, they said it was inappropriate. I told them exactly what was said and I said it was inappropriate for him to question me about an obvious medical condition. To give them credit, they called him in after and I assume they told him to mind his own damn business next time.
You don’t have to be a bitch. But you can be no nonsense. Before you begin work w the toucher again, “I’ve noticed you seem to be a touchy geeky person, and I’m not. Please do not touch me. You are making me uncomfortable.” Be direct. If they try to womanize your response, stay clear, level headed. “I am being direct. I am not having an emotional response. You are the one reacting with emotion.” Keep repeating yourself. Be patient.
If touchy dude keeps doing it, immediately stop and say “I told you I don’t like you touching me.” Every time you don’t address something you are giving a green flag.
You’ve got this.