I know that there are a lot of older women on here who, like me, are gathering tips on how not to be a JNMIL. Some of us, probably many of us, had our own JNMIL to deal with. Thankfully mine is now 6 ft under and I don’t have to deal with her BS any more (yay me!). So here are some things I’ve garnered along the way that have really helped.
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He’s a grown man and at some point you need to step back and let him live his life. Yes, you need to let him know you’re always going to be there for him and you’ll have his back against anyone who hurts him, but he’s in a relationship now and that has to come first.
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Their baby is not your baby. Your baby has grown up. This is not your chance for a do-over. You don’t get to name the baby, you do not get to insist on what the baby wears and you absolutely do not refuse to give baby back to its mother or run out of the room to avoid giving it back.
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Their home is not your home just because your child lives there. You don’t get to rearrange the kitchen to your own preference. You do not get to make snidey ass comments on their decor. You do not get a spare key just because you want one. Get over it.
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If they want pizza or taco trucks at their wedding, just do it even if you think it’s tacky. If anyone comment? “Yes, isn’t it wonderful! They wanted something funky and laid back and this is just perfect, isn’t it?’ Plaster a smile on your moosh and try to enjoy yourself. Yes, you might be dying on the inside but it’s their wedding so just suck it up. You had your wedding, now it’s your turn to smile for the camera and stfu. And, no, she’s not going to wear your wedding dress.
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Learn how to have mature discussions with them. No drama, no tantrums, no throwing yourself on the damn floor (seriously, what 50+ year old woman does that?).
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Remember, remember, remember that your DIL is the gatekeeper to your grandchildren. If you piss her off, guess what happens next? If you make your son (or daughter) choose, the outcome might not be what you’re hoping for.
For some reason, it feels like the vast majority of JNMILs are the husband’s mother. Maybe women are better at keeping their mothers in check. Maybe men haven’t discovered Reddit in the same numbers as women 😀. Either way, being a ‘boy mum’ shouldn’t be your whole personality. The kids have left the nest, so it’s time to step back and enjoy the next stage of life.
I’ll get off my soapbox now.
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Well said