Just venting. I think. I have no one else to talk to except my expensive and overbooked therapist.
My wife has a new best friend (yep, I’m a fucking cliche now). That is to say, I’m no longer the one she talks to about everything and anything anymore. She met this guy a year or so ago, a contractor through work who lives a few states away, and then reconnected with him a couple of months ago over a work query. They’re thick as thieves, with her characterizing him as a “male version” of her, because they share similar neurospicy sensitivities, traits, and mannerisms.
Shortly after they reconnected, my wife broke down and professed guilt at talking to him about books and media, which seemed strange to me as I encourage her (or anyone) to have healthy platonic friendships, but I don’t think that was all she felt guilty about. Shortly after they reconnected (maybe a week), he let it well known to her that he was in an open marriage (there is more here…)
Initially I wasn’t on super high alert for infidelity, but it’s well and truly on my radar now because she texts him every day, only watches the same shows he likes, only reads the same books he tells her to, and only listens to the same music he tells her to – including a “sexy” playlist she was happy to put on while we were having a special night of planned marital congress, without telling me its origin until after she had climaxed. She even went skydiving for the first time in her life because he told her to. He literally convinced her to jump out of a plane.
AND
Call me Mr. Suspicious, or does it seem more than a little coincidental that around the time of her breakdown over her guilt of having pleasant conversations about media with this guy in an open marriage, she starts having a self-described “mid-life crisis” and we start having very tough conversations about her not really knowing who she is as a person, which always seems to steer towards the notion of her introducing other people into her sex life? I want to die rn. We have an amazing sex life; we have sex literally every day we’re together, often more than once (and it’s not finished till both are finished).
I love my wife. She’s the kindest, most giving, hardest-working, and brilliant person. She’s the mother of my kids, and I’ve known her more than half my life, ever since we were in high school. I’d trust her with anything, and I owe her my life in more ways than one. She’s been through so much in life, bearing many physical and mental scars, and I do believe that she is embroiled in some sort of crisis.
During these tough conversations, I can see the pain, the struggle, and the genuine desperation she feels when it comes to the idea that this potential journey of self-discovery (that she is also willing to stop dead in its tracks) will likely result in some emotional pain and stress for me. I trust her, AND I would never stand in the way of her personal growth if she feels she needs some, because she is everything to me. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, and I can’t talk to her about these feelings because I don’t want to come between her and any real friend. If she’s worried about who she is as a person, I’d never forgive myself for controlling her. And now, I find myself without a best friend to confide in. No one to share with, which is why I’m here.
With a small amount of irony, I ended my childhood best friend over a disagreement between him and my wife a couple of years ago. It’s done – I don’t miss him, and I’d stick by my wife through anything. But after that, she became my only close friend, and now it feels like she’s moving on.
And now I just feel lonely (yeah boohoo), plagued by inherent anxiety and depression exacerbated by not being very good at putting myself out there and meeting new people or making friends (especially male friends, I suck at making male friends), and being an immigrant to the US, there’s always going to be that initial hurdle of “oh, you’re FOREIGN” in any conversation which is oddly triggering in the 2nd Trump era. I’m so bad at putting myself out there, I’m basically venting here to stop from literally exploding before my next therapy session.
Ok, judge away. I don’t know if I’ll read or respond. I just needed a witness while I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Comments
Your wife met someone else.
Nothing you can do here but try and divorce as painlessly as possible.
That sucks man.
She needs to end this friendship, if you want to call it that, for yall to fix your relationship.
This feels really sad to read, but step back, take a breather, try couples counselling maybe, listen to her idea and try to explain how you feel in clear words, if you feel talking about this will end up in a fight, maybe try and write it down for her, just how you feel, I’m sure she would understand this since you’ve been together for a while. if her friendship is actually platonic then good for you and you need to cast aside suspicion, but if she wants to do this then i don’t think you’d be able to stop it even if you wanted it. At that point you can think about more severe measures or getting along with it, since a ton of people have an open relationship, but if you’re not okay with the idea then don’t force yourself either.
Call your childhood friend and rekindle your friendship.
You can bond over what an AH your wife is.
Sometimes seeing a therapist is what people do when they’d rather ruminate over their problems rather than solving them.
Therapy isn’t working for you if you STILL see this woman as “kindest, most giving, hardest-working, and brilliant person”, frankly OP, she’s just a cheating asshole who’s acting like cheating on YOU causes HER pain.
Tell her to cut this little friend off effective immediately. Or just divorce.
I feel so bad for you. This is such a fear of mine because I too struggle to connect with people outside of my gfs friends and at times I see my own personal group ebb and flow and the anxiety kicks up a notch.
You should fall in love with yourself again. Give her the space to make whatever decisions while making some strict boundaries. Do your own things while still showing care and love for each other. Eventually you’ll get the answer you’re seeking and you’ll be able to handle it either way.
Your wife is having an emotional affair if it hasn’t turned physical yet. She is showing more care for her new friend than you. You showed her respect by cutting off your friend but she won’t do the same for you. She should be cutting him off of immediately.
If you want to save your marriage then stop being a push over for her manipulation. Having external relationships isn’t growth it’s cheating. Her looking hurt is manipulation. So either divorce her or give her some of her own medicine back. Reconnect with your friend and have him at your house so she sees him. Start talking to people online in your area. Bonus if it’s a woman. And make sure she knows it.
Dont feel bad for having boundaries. And find your courage to stand up to her.
I had to quit reading. Every guy these days wants to be the not insecure one but in doing so you let your wife neglect you and your marriage. I don’t understand with all this platonic crap it is a cop out for an emotional affair which you encouraged. Now you have do deal with the consequences of sharing your wife with another man congratulations.