I’m 32 year old male and years ago in my mid 20s I used to see escorts on and off on a monthly basis I probably saw about seven in total and stopped afterwards. I was in a very bad place back then and had nowhere near the growth that I have now in terms of social skills and confidence and being in control of my own emotions and being a lot more physically fit and having a wealth of experience compared to back then. I’ve been spending the last six years improving myself and trying to turn things around I’ve started a new job that pays more than my old one. I’ve improved myself physically and I’m much more comfortable talking to anyone and having conversations with people, I’ll strike up conversations with people at work casually. Compared to back then where I could barely talk at all or look people in the eye.
The only thing is I haven’t been physical with anyone since about 2020 and I don’t really put any pressure on myself to be in a relationship or force myself too much because I feel like if I do it will just spiral and I will go down another path of self hatred and low self esteem again, because I’ll get fixated on it and it’ll make me unhappy. I tried dating and meeting new people and doing speed dating and trying to step outside my comfort zone but it doesn’t work and most people don’t care or they’re indifferent and don’t want to get to know me more. Just recently it popped into my head to see an escort again and now I’m more open to it then I was before. Even though I know what the outcome or result will be and I will still feel empty and lonely and won’t really meet all my emotional needs. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve tried everything and nothing works, or I’m too autistic or can’t connect with people on a deeper level. I don’t know.
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If you already know the outcome of seeing a sex worker, then why pursue it? You’ll be poorer and still sad/lonely bc you aren’t getting what you ACTUALLY want out of the interaction.
I would suggest that you think again about your interactions with people and trying to make real friends. Take conversations to a deeper level.
Start at work or places you go often (eg the gym or coffee shop you frequent) but start SLOWLY so you don’t come off as a creeper. Take your time to build relationships bc you aren’t a child anymore who makes a new bestie based on who sits next to you in 2nd grade. You have to really connect and not just ask how their weekend was.
If you can’t find people to connect with, keep trying. It will take a LOT of time. Be patient with yourself and with everyone around you bc you don’t know what baggage they carry that makes them closed off/indifferent.
I think you have to go for what you want to get what you want, and it doesn’t sound like that is hooking up with escorts.
Will it be scary and filled with rejection to get into dating? Yes.
And you should do it anyway.
Dating is as varied as cuisine and preferences for flavors. Maybe you are weird, like pineapple on pizza, and a lot of people might not like that, but some people do. Out of those that like pineapple pizza, someone will offer a flavor you like too, boom relationship.
You just have to wade through all the other flavors and preferences and understand that pineapple pizza isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s just a preference.
Ask yourself the motives – are you wanting to see an escort for some pseudo human relationship or are you just looking to “get laid”. I am not anti-sex work and frankly see no moral issue with seeing an escort if that’s something you’re into. But based on your description it sounds like your motivation is to simulate intimacy. You’re not going to get that in a meaningful capacity with a sex worker and you’re not going to be fulfilled doing so. That’ll further inhibit you from finding what you truly want – a relationship.
As you say, an escort is not the answer you need. On my phone, I can’t read your post and reply to it at the same time. In general, I would say to do what I did, join a mixed group. I wasn’t prepared to be corralled on the first night, and I don’t suggest that you should, either. Give yourself time to settle in.
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When you choose to satisfy a short term urge, even when you know there will be long term consequences that’s addiction type behaviour. Instead of feeding the addictive urge you should get professional support. If you can’t afford therapy, there is always SAA. You may also find Gabor Mate’s work about addiction helpful.
I would keep putting yourself out there, because ultimately it will lead to a happier life. It’s really hard I know. I am also maybe on the spectrum and I struggle meeting new people. Instead of thinking of it as a situation where you a salesman for yourself, turn it around as a situation to get to know little bits about other people. As scary as people are, they are also fascinating and everyone has a story to tell. Consider first dates and speed dates as opportunities to learn more about human beings in general and that one soul in particular. Everyone has comforts, insecurities, sadnesses, goals, shame. The more you really listen the others and this can sink in, the easier it can be.
Seeing an escort will only make you continue to feel empty plus make you broke. You want to be both empty and broke? Nooooo. There’s women out there that like to take things slow. Just have to be patient and wait for her. Usually happens when you’re least expecting it and not seeking it out.