I (21F) got dumped two months ago after a pretty serious relationship. It wasn’t toxic or explosive — just one of those slow, emotionally confusing breakups where the other person pulls away and you’re left overthinking everything.
Since then I’ve been trying to “heal” — going out more, journaling, leaning on friends — but lately I’ve had this urge to start sleeping around. I’m talking casual hookups, maybe even randoms from apps or nights out. Not to fall in love, just to feel wanted and alive again.
Part of me feels like this could be freeing — something I’ve never done before. But part of me knows I’m still not 100% over the breakup, and I worry this might be me avoiding pain rather than actually dealing with it. I don’t want to pretend I’m fine by throwing myself at people who don’t care.
So I guess I’m asking:
• Has anyone gone down this path after a breakup?
• Did sleeping around help you heal or make things messier?
• How do you know if you’re doing it for you, and not just to numb stuff?
I’m not looking for judgment — just honest takes from people who’ve been here before. You can reply or DM if you’ve got stories. Either way, thanks for reading.
TL;DR: I want to start sleeping around after a breakup, but I’m not sure if I’m genuinely ready or just running from heartbreak. Trying to figure out if it’ll help or hurt.
Comments
I think you should do whatever makes you feel good, but if you think you’ll retrospectively regret it, don’t do it. My first boyfriend I did this, and to be honest I ended up feeling “dirty” (lots os regrets and shame); after my second boyfriend, I took time to heal, and then I started sleeping around but only with men I saw potential in. I had no regrets here.
I think ultimately you will know it within yourself deep down if you are doing it for you or if it’s just to numb yourself. Really sit in silence and reflect about what you truly truly want. Does thinking of having sex with other men excite you? Or does it just feel like a thing to do for attention? Explore negative and positive feelings.
Sorry I’m not sure if this helps but this is my take x
Hope it all works out!
I’ve got to be honest, sleeping around is not great if you’re a woman sleeping with men from dating apps, especially not at 21. A lot of us try it out and a majority, if not all, of the hookups are lame.
Let me paint a picture: it’s 2 am. You get a “u up?” text from a guy who’s maybe a 4/10. You get ready and do your hair and makeup all cute, wear your pretty bra, and drive to the grossest apartment to ever exist. It smells terrible, there’s food everywhere, and the sheets on his bed are weirdly stained. He kisses you poorly for maybe 1-2 minutes, takes your clothes off, whines and complains about putting on a condom, and then jackhammers you until he comes 3 minutes later. He obligatory cuddles with you for 5 minutes and then sends you back home. At best, it’s bad sex (and it’s always bad sex). At worst, it’s borderline terrifying and dangerous.
I also thought sleeping around would unlock something in me or make me feel free and make me feel wanted. It didn’t do either of those things because in reality, the guys in their 20s who also want to hook up are just super bad at sex and it’s not even a fun experience for you.
This whole scenario is out the window if you have the option of dating women. If you can hook up with women, it’s way better.
Yes. I went through it. I had a rather bad breakup that had me questioning myself, and I started going on dates and hooking up several times a week.
The sex was enjoyable, but unfulfilling. It didn’t fill a whole in my heart or give me validation. It was just recreation. And I look back and think that some of those women were looking for more, and I wasted that opportunity by just pursuing a physical relationship.
One thing did make a difference. I started hanging out with a good friend of mine. It started platonically just for fun. We’d go to baseball games. Make dinner with each other. Go to the dog park. Almost a best friend.
Anyway, it evolved to a physical relationship. We never thought there was a romantic connection, but we just really liked each other and always had fun together. And we were open with each other. She helped me to see that I was a great guy that women wanted to be with.
If you do hookup, be safe. But for me, the casual hookups did nothing. I need some personal connection.
It’s hard to say if I regret it or not. In the moment, I had no regrets; I loved making new connections, finding out what I like and don’t like in a person/potential partner. But I believe what pushed me to this behavior of sleeping around was an issue I had been dealing with, and I used sex as a coping mechanism because I am terrible at confiding in someone so I chose to be intimate to create a bond in someone I could talk to and confide.
It was only until I met my current boyfriend, who had only one sexual partner before me, I felt regret and embarrassment, but I didn’t lie to him about my past. I was honest, and he was taken aback by it, but he also knew my reasoning and chose to continue to pursue and love me, which honestly made me feel shittier.
I’m dating him for _ years now (for anonymity), and I still feel some regret and self resentment. Part of me wish I saved myself the meaningless connections I made, and instead use that time and energy to my friends or making new ones. Another part of me thinks that these meaningless connections strengthened my current one; knowing how many shitty people are out there made me realize how special the one I have is lol.
So, TLDR takeaway, it’s different to your individual situation. Sleeping around for me did make me heal a bit, but it did make things messier; if anything, it was nothing but nightly distractions. You’ll never know if you’re doing it for yourself or to numb the situation because the lines are too blurred to distinguish why we do the things we do. If you want to go ahead, but if you feel any reason to doubt it, then don’t. Just a piece of advice that I learned after my escapades: sexual promiscuity does not equate sexual empowerment.