My Fiancée and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We are getting married in less than a month. 6 months ago it came out that one of my bridesmaids (he was very close with her) had slept with my fiancee multiple times before we were together. He told everyone who knew to not tell me and pushed for her to be in the wedding. I eventually found out and we almost broke up due to it. After months of therapy we were in a great place. I knew he used to struggle with prn in our relationship but has since stopped. I was on his computer last week and ended up accidentally stumbling on a screen shot that he sent to himself of a nude from a girl on snap. This was sent a year into our relationship. I was shocked. Looked deeper and found photos of him having sx with his ex that he also sent to himself a week into us dating. I confronted him and he claims he forgot it was there and insists hes a changed man now. I know this was early in our relationship but he had multiple opportunities to tell me about the photos. Feeling super betrayed and considering calling off the wedding and relationship. We have a pretty amazing relationship other than that. Thoughts?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA. You have ignored wayyy to many red flags. Better to end it now vs getting drug through the inevitable divorce
Do you want this to be your life? I hope you cut off that friend for lying to you. He wanted her to stand up there with you on your wedding day having a fun secret with her. That’s foul behavior.
How does retreat you overall? Do you plan to have kids? How can you trust him? What has he done to earn your trust? Do you believe he forgot or he doesn’t want to take accountability.
Updateme
Sounds like he has a deep rooted problem and marriage is not what should happen right now.
Yeah, I think these are going to be things that pop up again and fester down the road. I would suggest ending it.
Yikes. Don’t marry a man you can’t trust.
The fact he slept with that chick sucks but it was BEFORE you dated, the red flag is his desire to hide it and have others involved in hiding it!!!! He didn’t forget about those naked photos and he likely got smarter at hiding his addiction to the p0rn
The thing about your amazing relationship is it’s the amazing part of it is all you know about him. You keep find out more and more about your relationship and it’s less and less amazing, no?
When you have “yeah but” your way to the alter maybe it’s not so wonderful. He’s made a fool of you with this girl, then pushed for her to stand up next to you in the wedding, has all these outside sex activities and only his word that he’s changed. The problem with taking his word for it is that his word can’t be trusted. This is your chance, to run toward freedom from lies and betrayal.
Don’t marry someone who has a double life OP.
Please find someone better. Don’t voluntarily take on trouble just because you are afraid you won’t find someone better. Alone and trouble free is better than dealing with a liar who is just manipulating you into thinking he has changed.
You only had an amazing relationship because there was a lot of stuff going on in the backend that was hidden from you.
Your partner hid all these details because he knew it would be destructive to your relationship, even got others involved to keep things from you that you should have known.
The relationship wasn’t genuine… It was built on a foundation of deceit… You were lied to, not loved.
You were hidden from the truth.
Calling all of this off is a wise choice. Your fiancé and your friends who covered for him… All should be expelled.
There is no “other than that”. You were cheated on. If you had found out at the time you probably would have left, and not be engaged now.
Why reward him for being dishonest?
With the push for her to be in the wedding there seems to be a strong level of emotional attachment. How do you know it won’t happen again?
4 1/2 years minus one week is a loooong time. I see the reddit-verse will leap to kick-him-to-the-curb… but IDK. That sounds like ancient history to me.
The thing about keeping the past history with the bridesmaid a secret is a little weird — but I’d advise that you lead with curiosity, ask questions and really listen. Hopefully you can get the clarity you need through open communication.
As for porn addiction (I’m thinking that’s what the 3 1/2 yo “snap” was?), it’s so widespread now, there’s unfortunately nothing unusual about it these days — what matters is that he’s acknowledged it, worked on it and committed to you.
I’d say, don’t let reddit decide the rest of your life on this, because you’ve stumbled into some gray areas — not black-and-white.
But you do need to get clear about the trust issue — if you can talk it through and trust him, that’s one thing. But if you can’t get past your feelings of distrust…. Well, you can’t marry somebody you don’t trust. Trust is the bedrock of a good relationship. If you distrust your fiancé — whether it’s deserved or not — then marrying him would be unfair to both of you.
He’s not sorry and he’s not changed, he just wants you to think he has so you’ll marry him. Having videos of him having sex with other women on his computer is vile (and not something you “forget” you’ve got). Inviting a woman he had a secret relationship with, that everyone knows about but you, to your actual wedding is borderline psychotic. Certainly it shows a complete disregard and respect for you or your feelings.
Don’t listen to what partners say, watch what they do. He keeps demonstrating to you over and over that he is not a different man. And if you believe his pretty obvious lies, then at least admit to yourself that it’s denial and not because you really do believe him. It would be easy to stay in that denial and marry him. But far harder and stronger and more admirable to choose yourself instead.
You’re dealing with something heavy here… trust is the base of any real relationship, and hiding stuff from day one? That’s a slippery slope.
Babe you are going to be so upset with yourself if you marry this man and this behavior continues… take it from someone who let this kind of crap slide.
“We have a pretty amazing relationship other than that”
So you have an amazing relationship other than him sleeping around with others while with you, having a porn addiction and lying to you? Seriously? If you stay with him, you can’t then blame him later when you find out he’s been cheating on you. He is showing you who he is and you should believe him
Sure. Break up.
I’m sure you can find the level of purity you’re looking for, but the side effects of that purity may well come with Andrew-Tate-esque misogyny or Christian nationalism (or both).
Maybe that’s what you want, though.
Run girl. Better now than after you married.
He intentionally hid that he slept with her not because he did something wrong (since it was before you were together) but because he knew that if you had all the facts you might choose not to be with him, or to allow her in your life. He robbed you of your choice
If it were me, I would not marry him.
There will be more things that you haven’t discovered yet. He’s not forthcoming…he waits for you to stumble upon these things then begs for mercy. You will never trust him (I wouldn’t ) and that is a terrible way to live.
You don’t not have to pretty good relationship at all because he’s a lying, manipulative cheat.
The trust and respect has gone.
He not only didn’t tell you, he did not delete the photos. He may not think about them every day, but he definitely knows they are there, just in case he needs a fix some day. The two of you do not agree on what commitment means so you will always have that tiny bit of distrust coloring everything. Even if he deleted everything now and goes cold turkey on his addiction can you really trust it won’t come up in the future? Addictions never go away, but their hold lessens with each day clean that passes. Relapses can and do happen. He needs counseling for his addiction. You need to decide if this is a flaw you are willing to work through with him, maybe many times over the years, or if it is more than you can accept if he does get back into it.
Do you believe he has changed? Is that belief in him strong enough that you are sure deep in your heart that he will not turn to other people for his needs? Only you know the answer.
I would kick him to the curb for the lying and telling others to withhold that he slept with a bridesmaid.
I am curious though, why would he tell you he had porn photos or pics with his ex? “Oh, btw way, I have some pics of me railing my ex, is that cool?” That he did it a week into your dating is whatever. He had no idea if you were going to still be around 4 years later. A year in and getting a nude from a girl and not deleting his old stuff at some point when your relationship was solid is a nope though.
No man forgets where his coveted porn is kept. If he’d truly changed, he would have deleted it. While he may not have looked at it for years, he still knows it’s there in case he wants to see it, and he will dig it out when he starts fancying a little excitement, or feels a little too married and monogamous.
Bottom line, he’s not mature enough IMO to enter into a successful relationship as a true partner. He’s not ready to let go of his past (porn, bridesmaid is his f*ckbuddy, etc). He’s putting his desires ahead of the relationship and your happiness, and that is how to kill a relationship.
Words are pretty and they sound nice, but words lie. Look at his actions, they show what’s really going on inside. He is still holding on to yesterday instead of embracing the future with you. Don’t marry him. Of course when you make this announcement he’ll promise you the moon to get you to change your mind but let’s be honest, he already nuked your trust once and you gave him one more chance. Now he’s trying to lie his way out of it (asking everyone to participate in his deception of you concerning the bridesmaid? That’s not “I forgot”, that’s an active admission he knew what he was doing is wrong and he did it anyway!) He’s burned his last chance. Yes you’ll lose money on the wedding prep but it’s cheaper than post nuptial lawyers and there are no kids involved. Give him to the bridesmaid, she can have his sorry a$$.