TL;DR- should I leave or stay?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to four years. We have an eight year age gap- I’m 36, he is 28. He is the best boyfriend I’ve had, after tons of bad luck and terrible relationships I finally found a great guy. He has morals, is kind, wants a family, everything a girl could ask for but he is unwilling to discuss our future. The first few years he said he understood my timeline, with my age (I am nervous about kids)- and he wants three! We’ve discussed everything about what we want in life. We are aligned on everything except I wasn’t religious, but I promised to raise our kids in church and try to have faith. I cuss, which is something I’m working on but he grew up in a family that never cussed, his parents never fought, and he has a completely different childhood than me. His parents are both lawyers, school is important to them/him. I never graduated college, neither did my parents, siblings, or grandparents. My family dynamic is not great- divorced parents and a mom that never validated my feelings and responds with anger. I realized that I’ve picked up some of these tendencies from her and have been working very hard on them. For the last two years or so, I’ve brought up engagement and it always ends in a fight. He brings up my lack of religious views, my cussing, and the fact that I’m estranged from my sister. I’ve promised to work on the things I have control of but it never seems like enough. When we discuss it he promises he is focusing on engagement, our future is important to him, and that he loves me. Months go by and I bring up and we argue. Our day to day is wonderful, we only argue when I bring up engagement .We relocated to New York for his job and I kept my job out west. I travel three weeks a month and due to his high stress/hours at work, I feel like I’ve made all the sacrifices. I left my friends, family, and have no one in the city but him. It’s difficult to meet people with my travel schedule. I’m afraid if I leave I’ll regret it forever, but I also don’t think he’s prioritizing me or us and it’s always me that has to bring up our future. I froze my eggs recently and found out I have the egg reserve of a 42 year old woman (at 36). I’m afraid if I give him another year, I’ll risk the chance of becoming a mother. It could take me a year to meet someone and also I want a few years to date them before getting married. At the end of the day, I’m fighting for us and him. He is the only person I see myself with and I’ve wrapped up my entire identity into him. Lost and don’t know what I should do. Do I give him a final ultimatum? Do I have faith in his words that I’m perfect for him and he does want to be with me? I suggested therapy and he agreed, we both ended up with the flu so I canceled and he never brought it up again. Feeling stuck
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What are you actually getting out of this relationship?
>> For the last two years or so, I’ve brought up engagement and it always ends in a fight. He brings up my lack of religious views, my cussing, and the fact that I’m estranged from my sister. I’ve promised to work on the things I have control of but it never seems like enough.
Because it’s not. He doesn’t want to get married.
Please also post in and peruse waiting to wed sub.
I think you will find helpful
If you’ve gotten to this point, it’s definitely time to let him know how serious this is to you. I know you said you’ve talked about it before, but there definitely needs to be a very firm conversation about how serious it is to you and you can give your reasons as to why, and telling him if he does not see the two of you getting married then he needs to be honest with you instead of making excuses so you can split, make it a conversation that has to have a ending point AKA no him dodging the question and telling you it’s essentially because you’re too messy for him.
He is wasting your time. To me that is cruel. I don’t think you are aligned at all.
I think he does not want to marry you.
And if you married, i fear you might divorce.
This compounded me with the age gap make me think its wise to leave.
If you stay, you will resent him.
I think he feels he has alot of leverage and he is using it to string you along. Its cruel
You have been together 4 years. He knows you curse and he knows you’re not religious and you’re estranged from your family. This isn’t new information for him. He’s not going to marry you.