I (20F) am doing an internship at the firm of my dreams. I have one problem, though. There’s this guy I work with who’s really starting to bother me.
He’s upwards 10 years older than me and overly friendly. It started with just greeting me every time he passed my desk (which is practically in the walkway to the kitchen and boss’s office, so it’s a high traffic zone), then hovering over me at my desk and touching my things (I keep little Knick-knacks on my desk). At first I thought he was just an overly friendly kind of person, but now I’m not so sure.
There was a time the other employees were discussing a joke/meme which was inappropriate as I had just walked in. He walked over to my desk to tell me about the joke personally, which I didn’t think was necessary? I just kind of chuckled and put in my headphones and he walked away.
I remember one instance he commented that he liked the brand of the shirt I was wearing (Polo, with the little logo on the chest, just above my breast) and reached out to touch it. I immediately distanced myself from him so he couldn’t do it again.
He taps me in my shoulder and back when he passes by me and I don’t like it. I’ve resorted to only giving perfunctory responses when he greets me, I don’t talk to him specifically anymore.
I back myself into the far corner of my cubicle so that he can’t touch me when he walks by, or at least he’d have to reach all the way across my desk to do it. So far, this has worked as a great deterrent. I’m so uncomfortable I’ve found myself literally flinching when he walks by.
Today he was walking behind me to another colleague’s desk and he grabbed by arm in passing. I couldn’t help but pry his fingers off me. I wanted to cry.
What should I do? He hasn’t really done anything that’s overtly inappropriate, so I don’t know if I should report him. My internship is ending really soon anyways, so I’m thinking that it’s just not worth it.
Comments
You should document everything including date and times and speak to your manager . Make sure you do it in writing
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
Ideally you’re at a company that would be able to handle this discreetly and talk to him.
Alternatively you could make it clear that you don’t like to be touched and to please stop.
I understand your hesitation. Sadly we’re in a world were you could be labeled difficult in either scenario so you’re rightfully concerned about potential blowback. I personally would encourage you to speak up to him directly, especially if you have any allies who could vouch for you.
You’d be doing him a favor, the company and most importantly yourself if you do.
But. It’s also not wrong in this scenario to avoid if that’s what you decide to do.
You shouldn’t have to shrink yourself or rearrange your workspace just to feel safe. Even if the internship is almost over, your experience matters, and you deserve to work without being made to feel uneasy. Whether you report it or not, trust your gut it’s already telling you this behavior isn’t right.
You tell him very loudly that you do not want him to touch you again because it’s making you uncomfortable and to respect that boundary.
thats physical abuse you need to stick up for yourself though and establish boundary’s its not ok to touch me and if you have to raise it to HR
A loud an clear “dont touch me” should do it
What you feel is very valid, he is a creep and he is Probebly is doing this to other younger women!
Even if your direct manager isn’t someone you trust to help you, always report something like this to a member of the management team or HR.
In my last job I had staff from other departments report things like this to me on multiple occasions because I was more approachable than their own manager (honestly, I’m confident their managers would have helped in all but one instance because the creep was her manager). Had it happen once to someone under me too.
In every instance I handled it, even where the person who experienced it wasn’t too bothered by it. The next person targeted may not have been so willing to overlook it. Didn’t matter that I wasn’t the person’s manager, some things are your responsibility to get rid of in a company the second you learn about them just because you’re management level.
Worst case scenario, it creates a permanent log of the behaviour so you can reference it if you face repercussions later on, or the next target has supporting evidence that the company should have handled it already (making them financially liable too). Best case, and likely case, the behaviour will be very quickly addressed.
You should be able to feel comfortable and safe at work.
Literally just tell him bluntly that you don’t like being touched so he needs to refrain from doing it. If he kicks up a fuss or tries to make it a problem you go straight to HR.
“Please don’t touch me.”
“Don’t touch me.”
“I am uncomfortable when you touch me. Stop it.”
“Stop it.”
“Back off, I am uncomfortable with the lack of personal space.”
These kinds of guys will take advantage of your youth and inexperience with “being a bitch.” “Being a bitch” is a delightful life skill. It does get easier each and every time you stand up for yourself, like growing a muscle.
He may sputter and say “wow, so sensitive, sheesh” but the warning shots have been fired. As always, make witnesses.
For a short term internship, you’ll have to decide if you want to go the formal route of talking to HR and management. Most companies give multiple chances, especially if the behaviors could be portrayed as gregarious, well-meaning “handsy” stuff.
But I can promise you that even just yelling at him will make you feel better.
Next time, yell loudly “STOP TOUCHING ME!”. Unfortunately a creep like this won’t stop bullying you until you stand up to him. Bullies are cowards and will run away when confronted.
If he complains you’re so sensitive etc yell back something like WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET you TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
Okay, this might sound a little out there, but it actually works 101% !!! when he keeps invading your personal space and try to touch you, try this: once you’re in your cubicle, turn on your selfie camera and place your phone on your desk like you’re vlogging. People like that tend to hate being on camera it makes them self-conscious. When he walks toward you, make it obvious that your front camera is on. If he asks what you’re doing, just say, “Oh, it’s for my personal vlog” or “Just documenting my day to stay focused.” You don’t even need to hit record just having the camera open works. It’s a subtle but effective psychological cue. When people see themselves through a camera even passively they become more aware of their behavior. You’re not confronting him directly, so your job stays safe, but you’re also setting a clear boundary. Just be casual about it so it doesn’t come across as threatening or accusatory. It’s clever, non-confrontational, and honestly a smart way to protect your space. I have done this when my colleague was invading my space it worked perfectly!
Some don’t understand personal space. Next time he touches you just say, “don’t get too close , I’m coming down w something or think I’m getting g a cold “- works for me when guys get too close / touchy !
Still report him anyway! Even if you’re almost done there.
He is doing something overtly inappropriate, and his an AH for doing it. He is testing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. You have the right to say stop, avoid him, push him away, or report him to human resources or the senior manager. He needs to learn to keep his comments and hands to himself. This jerk doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Tell him in no uncertain terms to stop or you will complain to HR, and that this is his one and only warning.
If he does anything you told him not to do, report him.
This is a great internship because it is teaching you to set boundaries, advocate for yourself, deal with office assholes and act professionally in the wake of trying times.
You need to go to HR. Now. This guy is a predator. The next time he does you should say VERY LOUDLY “STOP TOUCHING ME, IM GOING TO REPORT YOU TO HR”. Public shaming needs to be brought back into vogue.
He’s obviously gay.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this it’s completely understandable to feel uncomfortable and upset. Trust your instincts; your feelings matter. Even if the internship is ending soon, you deserve to feel safe and respected at work. It might help to quietly document what’s happened, just in case, and consider talking to HR or a trusted mentor if you feel ready. You’re handling a tough situation with a lot of strength.
Tell him to stop and if he doesn’t go to HR. I had someone start being handsy with me at one of my last jobs. I would’ve told, I thought he’d got the message after the first time but then did it again a week later on front of people. No one said anything though. I lost the job the week after but I never mentioned it. Would’ve if I stayed and he’d done it again. He was about 20 years older than me.
This would be me: “Hey dude, I have a larger personal space bubble than some. Could you stop touching me?” Or “the pats and taps scare me while I’m trying to work. Let’s keep it to hello ok?” Both of those should relay the msg without being offending. (The bs us women still have to think about) Sorry you’re going through that! I’m glad you pried his hand off! If direct doesn’t work go tell on him.
As a man a few years older than this guy, I would consider putting my hands repeatedly on a 20 year old intern “overtly inappropriate”.
As others have advised, saying clearly, and with witnesses, “please don’t touch me, I don’t like it!” does two things: one, it calls him out clearly enough that he’s shamed into not doing it again. Two, if he ignores you and gets handsy again, you can tell HR that you asked him to stop already but he has persisted. That will more clearly demonstrate his behavior as the legal definition of sexual harassment when reporting him to HR.