I F14, when I was in sixth grade I was very happy to grow up, go out on my own and no longer be small (I know I was, but my sixth grade self was convinced that I was super independent etc..) after a few months I wanted to be a little more popular, I saw third grade girls on social media and I was “envious” of their popularity.
There was this girl (whom I’ll call Elena) who like me was from first grade, she was very popular, she had friends from third grade, she went out often, she put many of her stories on IG etc..
Elena, however, already in first grade was posting photos that were a little too grown up for being in sixth grade, she was very curvy so she also seemed older than her age, some said she smoked and many called her no good (not to say another word).
The fact is that I don’t know why I wanted to become her friend (probably due to popularity), one way or another she became my best friend, she was very nice, but stupid as I was I ignored the fact that she was leading me down the wrong path, I had started stealing tricks, I talked about topics not suitable for my age and I was more attracted to older and older men (since she had a 16 year old boyfriend, I started to want him too).
in my city this “disco” is very famous for middle school kids (thank goodness they didn’t sell alcohol because I certainly would have been able to ubr14carm1, since Elena said it was beautiful). there was an evening in this place, Elena wanted to go, and so did I, but my mother wasn’t very convinced, she knew that Elena could lead me astray and she didn’t like us being friends very well, but I managed to convince her, so together with Elena I went to this evening.
Elena, although small, had already given her first and second…and who knows how many lemons, but not me, Elena’s goal for the evening was to have quite a few boys, so I also wanted to give my first kiss (to a stranger) that evening I was very scared and gave my first kiss, (with the tongue too), after having done it, it had disgusted me and fortunately I didn’t kiss anyone for the whole evening, while Elena had reached 10(?) boys perhaps more maybe less,” he had lost count.
the next day at school I went to my friends, (not friends with Elena) to say that I had had about ten boys and that it had been wonderful (lie, I had only had one boy and it had also disgusted me), but for some stupid reason I lied.
some time later at another evening (in which my friends also came, but not Elena) I told my friends that I wanted to do other guys (even if in reality I was very scared because after the first time I didn’t want to do it, but I wanted to show my friends that I knew how to do it and etc..) so with a little courage I did the first one of the evening, after that all the fear had passed and I did, this time for real, about 9? I don’t remember. I was very “proud” of that thing, not to mention the fact of smoking… I had even tried smoking, but let’s not talk about that.
After those two evenings it took me 2/3 months to start regretting it a lot and being embarrassed about what had happened, but by now all my friends knew it.
I started to feel ashamed of it because my friends (who hadn’t kissed anyone at the evenings) sometimes asked me questions about it, and the more I talked about it the more I started to reflect on it and realize what I had done, they said that if they had been in my place they would have felt like no good, they didn’t say it maliciously, but they were all things that made me think, so three months later I started to feel very ashamed of it, even now that two years have passed I’m ashamed of it.
Now I’ve completely lost contact with Elena, and now I know that we weren’t really best friends, as I prided myself on being.
we were friends for like 1 year maybe and now when I see her in the corridors we don’t talk to each other anymore, we don’t even say hello.
I needed to say this to someone and I didn’t know who to vent to, now I feel like a no-good and I would like to cancel my middle school years. (Unfortunately Elena will be in the same high school as me, LUCKILY different classes, as will a friend of mine, who unfortunately will be in the same class as me, who knows about the kisses I gave, and so unfortunately I can’t escape this whole story)
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