TL:DR – I (31M) walked away from a long-time friend group after a conflict, and now I’m torn between regret and self-respect. I know friendships are harder to build after 30 and I might’ve lost my only social circle, but staying meant tolerating subtle bullying, being disrespected, and constantly feeling like an outsider. I’m sure they wouldn’t truly be there for me in tough times, and I don’t feel I had much to offer in return. Now I’m left with a confusing mix of guilt, relief, loneliness, and resentment—and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Long post ahead
I got into an argument with a group of friends on WhatsApp yesterday and decided to leave the group, stating that I wouldn’t be joining the trip due to unavoidable commitments. Now, I feel petty, immature, and miserable. At the same time, I believe my actions were valid—I don’t like being walked over. Some of the same people in the group had bullied me 10–12 years ago, and I refuse to go through that again.
I’ve realized that my absence likely won’t make a difference to them. Most members of the group are close with each other, and I’ve never really been part of that inner circle. The truth is, I don’t have another friend circle to fall back on. The fear of not having friends, of not socializing or going out, often pushes me to stay connected with them—even when it takes a toll on my mental health. I constantly feel like I have to choose between preserving my peace of mind or staying socially active in the hope of becoming a better, more socially adept person.
I don’t have a great career, immense wealth, good looks, or a magnetic personality. Compared to my peers in the group, I often feel below average. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve basic respect.
One of the members, in particular, is treated like a god—put on a pedestal, admired blindly, and allowed to dictate others’ choices. I hate it. He was one of the people who bullied me in college. Even today, he belittles me, laughs at my struggles, and everyone just goes along with it. He might have everything—looks, intelligence, wealth, and experiences—but that doesn’t justify being worshipped or allowed to bulldoze over others.
I know that getting offended can be seen as a sign of weakness, and that a strong person handles conflict with grace and calm. I feel guilty for not being that person. I’m ashamed that I haven’t built a life where I’m valued. But just because I don’t have the best career, the most money, or the most charm doesn’t mean I should be disrespected.
Sure, friendly teasing is part of any friendship—I get that. But I can’t stand the toxic dynamic that’s formed, where power and popularity seem to excuse bad behavior. In the end, I had a choice: respect myself and walk away, or stay and continue to be mocked, bossed around, and humiliated. I walked away. And while I know I lack the emotional maturity and social circle I wish I had, I’m trying. I’ve always struggled with forming and maintaining friendships, and I don’t know the right way to fix that. But I do know I deserve better than being treated like I don’t matter.
I know that forming new friendships after 30 can be incredibly difficult, and that the friendships we have at this stage in life are often ones we’re expected to treasure. That’s why a part of me feels like I made a mistake by walking away. At the same time, I also feel like I finally respected myself by doing so.
I’m aware that things will never be the same between me and the group. I’ll likely miss out on shared moments, fun trips, and the comfort of having a social circle to fall back on. I’ll probably feel lonelier now. But the truth is, I’m also certain that if I were ever in real trouble or going through a tough time, none of them would truly show up for me. I’ve always felt like I had very little to offer them, and it’s hard to ignore the feeling that many of these friendships are transactional.
Now I’m left with this confusing mix of emotions—regret, relief, fear, and resentment—and I genuinely don’t know how to navigate it. It feels like I’m mourning something that maybe never even fully existed, and I’m not sure how to make peace with that.
Comments
It can be tough.. But, trust me, no friends is better than toxic friends.
Also, you can make new friends later in life. However, it will require you to be open and possibly try new things. Which, admittedly, can be difficult… Just not impossible.
they werent your friends, youll find them in your 30s
> I know that getting offended can be seen as a sign of weakness
Whoever told you that is dumb. There’s good things to be offended about! Bigotry, people (yourself included) being treated poorly, etc etc.
> I’m ashamed that I haven’t built a life where I’m valued.
If your friends only think you have value if you have money, good looks, a career, etc, they’re shitty, shallow people.
If you think you only have value if you have money, good looks, a career, etc then you’re being too hard on yourself and have internalized some very unhealthy ideas about your self-worth.
But yeah man, it’s so much better to be alone than to be surrounded by toxic people.
They don’t sound like friends but like twats.
You didn’t lose a friend group, you shed dead weight. There’s a difference.
Walking away wasn’t weakness. It was self-respect finally showing up to the table. You didn’t cut ties out of ego, you cut out a pattern of subtle humiliation dressed up as “banter.” The kind of dynamic where your silence was mistaken for consent, and your presence was taken for granted. That’s not friendship. That’s survival.
Sure, it’s lonely now. Growth usually is. But better alone with dignity than surrounded by people who smile when you shrink.
You’re not mourning the group. You’re mourning the idea of what they could’ve been… If they had treated you with basic human decency. That grief is real. But don’t confuse it with a mistake. You didn’t fail. You freed yourself.
And if you think friendship after 30 is impossible, you’re already playing from the wrong playbook. You build better when you stop trying to fit into rooms that were never built for you in the first place. Forge new ones. On your terms.
Let them keep their golden boy on a pedestal. You just walked off their stage and into your own.
Just based on the first paragraph alone, I’m going to say you’re better off. I know it seems like social circles are necessary but being your own best friend, enjoying your own company is much more important. Once you establish that, you won’t tolerate anyone who treats you less than you deserve! You deserve to feel included, you deserve friends that are as good to you as you are to them. Once you find them you’ll be thankful!