Did they improve? Do you regret it? Did you stay faithful to them? Was it worth it?
Particularly those with children and in longer relationships
Those who have a cheater another chance, what happened?
r/AskWomen
Did they improve? Do you regret it? Did you stay faithful to them? Was it worth it?
Particularly those with children and in longer relationships
Comments
it’s not worth it. they did not improve. idk.. maybe some people are different but in my experience.. no
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They took it as a sign that I would continue to lay down and forgive, and they had all the power in the relationship. It just got worse and more embarrassing for me that I stayed as long as I did.
There was no trust left in the relationship and it basically turned into me monitoring her phone and social media like she was a child. Which was not only exhausting, but it didn’t even accomplish anything in the end since she cheated again anyway.
I definitely regret it and it was not at all worth it.
He cheated again and then got angry at me for being upset and ending it. Then he said he wouldn’t have to cheat if I wasn’t useless and annoying 🤣
Second chances rarely fix broken trust. Learned that the hard way.
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Giving him another chance was the worst mistake of my life. He cheated again and when I confronted him, he nearly killed me. I should have divorced him after the first time and been done. I would have saved myself from a LOT of trauma. It took me a long time to forgive myself.
Mod note: Please answer the question that waa asked.
If you are not someone who gave a cheater another chance, please do not leave a top-level comment.
Thank you.
They cheated on me again.
We divorced. I couldn’t handle the betrayal and he kept betraying me.
Things are much improved and he’s never done it again and we’re happy. But I wouldn’t suggest staying if I were you. It was a long arduous and terrible process to get to this point. To others is suggest starting over with someone else
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Nope. I ended up resenting him. Lost my sex drive. And emotionally cheated on him. It never leaves your brain. I promise.
After cheating the first time, we broke up and he spent the next few months trying to win me back. Begging me for forgiveness, buying gifts, saying what a mistake he made, even showing up to my parents’ house to beg for their forgiveness.
We got back together and things were really great for about a month. And then the sketchiness crept back in. He started hiding his phone/computer and was super protective of them, started accusing ME of having feelings for others. He had work parties but pretended SOs weren’t invited (and then I found out that was a lie).
We ended up breaking up. Turns out, he was getting a lot of attention from female coworkers and was entertaining them all. He didn’t physically cheat, but he had them all lined up ready to go for when we broke up. I think it would’ve ended with cheating if I stuck around.
Gave him another shot. He acted sorry, changed for a bit then slipped back into old habits. I stayed loyal but I never had a peace of mind thinking he’d do it all over again, which he did. Lesson? I should’ve walked away the first time. It’s true when they say: once a cheater, always a cheater.
They will always cheat again. Get out. Get therapy, make yourself happy
He married the next one he cheated with.
When someone shows you their true colours? Believe them.
They basically just kept cheating until I left them once they had children from the cheating.
I gave him another shot because we’ve been together for 7 years. He changed a bit but the trust was gone. I couldn’t look at him the same. We stayed together for a bit but it didn’t last. Wouldn’t do it again.
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He kept cheating and ended up getting some younger woman pregnant and expected me to stay after that.
I wouldn’t recommend it. You lose yourself in trying to figure out his every move, resenting him, and hating yourself for the chances you gave and for lying to yourself and others (bc why would u want anyone to know).
I just couldn’t love him the same but we are the best of friends now. He’s the one person I can truly count on for anything. I guess I would say that if you can truly let go, people are capable of change.
They learn to lie more efficiently. That’s all. They can’t improve their integrity. You either have it or you don’t.
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I gave a cheater another chance. Again and again, actually. We’ve been together nearly 11 years and we have a daughter. I’ve always been faithful and always will be- I’d never cause anyone the deep pain and grief that cheating causes.
He cheated more than once, and eventually I started to see something even harder to face- that I was also being emotionally abused. I include that part because emotional abuse can be so subtle and insidious that you don’t recognize it at first. I didn’t. It chipped away at my self-worth over time until I stopped believing I deserved anything better. I genuinely thought maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me, and somehow it became easier to believe he must be right about me than to face how wrong all of it felt.
Since finding the emotional abuse subreddit, I’ve noticed a pattern. A lot of us who’ve been cheated on also discover emotional abuse in the mix. And it makes sense because some of the traits overlap: a lack of empathy, a sense of superiority, emotional immaturity, and deep selfishness. It’s not just about infidelity, it’s about being made to feel less than by the person who claims to love you.
I don’t regret being empathetic or loving him fully. I know where it came from. My father was emotionally abusive and a cheater, too. That was my model of love, unfortunately. But I’m proud of myself now for recognizing that I don’t want this- not for myself and definitely not for my daughter.
I’m committed to breaking this cycle. We both deserve so much better.
I gave a cheater another chance. He cheated while I was away working overseas for 3 months. We broke up but he cut all contact with the woman and begged me to come back. I did. We ended up moving interstate together a few months later. He never cheated again or did anything untrustworthy but I couldn’t let go of it and I struggled to trust him which added so much pain to our relationship and we eventually broke up for good.
He ended up cheating on his next girlfriend also and I watched them repeat our mistake. They tried to make it work, even got engaged. But she eventually broke up with him when she just couldn’t find a way to trust him.
Just not worth it.
He did it again…
And then I gave him a third chance…
And he managed to fuck that up too xD
All in the span of a year haha.
Three strikes and he was out.
I have been cheated on by almost every partner I’ve had.
So previously the partners that did it all did it deliberately, hid it, lied about it, showed no remorse or even blamed me when I found out. All were swiftly dumped.
But when my then boyfriend of 8 years did it, it was different. First of all he came straight to me and confessed everything. It was a drunken one off, spurred on by friends. He felt so bad about it that he broke down in front of me. Answered any questions I had openly and honestly, immediately agreed to things like getting an std test. Gave me space when I asked for it, did everything I asked and needed.
Obviously I didn’t forgive him straight away, but I didn’t throw him away either. It was a really hard decision whether to stay or not, but unfortunately at the time I wasn’t really in a position to be independent so I stayed. But the next year was a really difficult one for both of us, he had a lot of work to do to rebuild my trust and I started working on myself, making sure I could actually become independent from him if I needed to. There was also a lot more open and honest conversation about us and our relationship, and in the end I think we actually managed to rebuild it stronger than before.
We’ve now been together for 15 years and got married a year ago. We’re really happy, and I’m glad we worked through it. He knows that if he ever does it again though, it’s game over.
Well, we were really young when they cheated, like teenagers. They were a total player and very cruel at the time. By the time I had given them another “chance”, they had grown into such a wonderful person, it truly stunned me. They showed up for me consistently without ever asking anything in return. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time I was stranded somewhere, and they dropped everything they were doing and came immediately to me. It was probably the kindest thing anybody has every done for me. It didn’t work out in the end romantically between us because I was going through something at the time, but I will probably never forget the time spent with them and how incredible of a person they grew into.
We had been together for 12 years, two young kids. He had an affair with a coworker. I was devastated but thought, ‘We can fix this for the kids.’
He apologized, swore it was over. We tried counseling. For a while, things got better. But I never really trusted him again. I checked phones. I spiraled.
Five years later, I realized I stayed out of fear, not love. I was exhausted, anxious, and numb. I left when our youngest turned 10. No regrets now except staying so long.”
Faithful? Yes.
Did he improve? Somewhat. Not enough.
Was it worth it? For the stability, short-term. But long-term? No.
He cheated again. The positive part was that the second time round, it didn’t hurt me as much, felt like all my love for him and all the angst I had been feeling about our relationship just died. I was done. So it took me a couple of weeks to get over a 6 year relationship.
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He cheated again. Got remarried and continues to invite me to cheat with him!
According to his brother he cheats on his current wife more than he did on me. I am a problem in their marriage as he compares her against me and attributes his success to me frequently.
Because of this I feel like his invitation to cheat with him is more of a murder plot. I can see her becoming angry and violent if she found out we were sleeping together.
Anyways, he is a terrible person to everyone, looks terrible, and is not anyone I even like to acknowledge knowing.
He cheated again. With the same woman. Two weeks week later. Thats when i left. His response? “I did not expect you to just leave and not come back”. Lovely😂
I (36F) was in a relationship (38M) for 8yrs. It’s such a long story but on Dec26th I was contacted by a man who sent me a naked pic of my bf that he had found on his partners phone. I confronted my bf and took his phone and found a 2nd woman in his deleted texts. For about 3-4 weeks I was going back and forth on what to do, we been together so long and I was frankly shell shocked. Well then that Facebook group started “Are we dating the same guy”, my bf got posted on there by someone else and I lost count after 14 women saying they found him on a dating app, sexting or met up. I never had any suspicions that’s how good he is at living a double life. We’ve been broken up 3yrs now and I still catch wind of his bad behavior. Every once in awhile a woman will reach out to me because she’s so into him and can’t accept what she found online, it’s very sad
He continued to lie and cheated again, like literally just weeks later haha
Nothing changed and he cheated again. Don’t give them another chance. They think that nothing will make you leave and they can get away with anything.
ETA: When he was caught, he was super apologetic and cried. We went to therapy and had an open phone policy. Didn’t help. A cheater is who he is at his core.
I eventually got dumped. Don’t wait around.
I have a completely different experience. I’m poly, I was poly before I knew what it was. I never understood what was “wrong with me”. My husband of 17 years was patient and kind and forgave me. Fast forward 15 years later I have a boyfriend who was Inexperienced and grew up very religious. A year in he started cheating (with no reason we’re poly). He confessed to me two years in and we have been working on our communication and trust. It’s been another two years and we have a great relationship. My story is not the rule but the exception. Some people can be exceptions but most will not.
its like giving a barber the clipper again after making your afro look like garreth bale instead of eirling haarland
When my husband and I were super young and not married yet he cheated on me. We stayed together, ended up breaking up, and 6 months later got back together. We dated for a few more years got engaged and now we are married. He is an amazing man and husband and I trust him completely.
I really don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater. I cheated on a boyfriend in high school and I have never done it again or even had the desire.
He cheated again. Surprise to no one, but me.
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He cheated again. And complained about my inability to trust him…….
After I forgave him, we tried to do things we normally loved to do. It just felt so different. I think I had a grudge against him and definitely did not feel I could trust him. For example, he would talk about how we watched a movie together but I had no memory of this. So I replied “wrong bitch.”
He improved by doing more acts of service for me, but mind you he was still cheating. I kind of regret it because I kept hurting myself by going back to him both physically and emotionally. Physically I was hurting myself because he gave me chlamydia and BV a few times. I stayed faithful, until I found out he was still trying to see other women. I started to hang out more with friends and even went on a date after that. It took a good group of girlfriends to help me realize I deserve more than he was able to give me. The only way I was able to move on was to go no contact.
A part of me does not regret the relationship and believes it was worth it. Mainly for the fact that it taught me to respect myself and my boundaries. The relationship also taught me a lot about myself and how to love someone.
Gave an ex another chance. Nothing improved
He started to resent me. Or, he probably felt bad about what he’d done but instead of being mature about it he took it out on me. He would never accept my forgiveness, I never thought about it but he clearly did a lot. I’m pretty sure he cheated on me again too. During the time we were trying to reconcile I ended up pregnant. I stayed for about 8 years until I just couldn’t take it anymore.
He cheated five more times that I know of. Got better at hiding it. And I never trusted him again after the first time.
I believe once someone cheats on you they will continue to do so. By forgiving them, you’ve taught them that it won’t be all that hard to get you back. That’s what has happened to me in previous relationships.
As a result I now forgive nothing, which adds a whole other complexity to my life.
Cheated again and again lol
If you don’t address the root cause of the cheating it will happen again. Just my opinion. It was worth it to me to at least try for our children’s sake. The second time he cheated…I realized he wasn’t remorseful and his issues run much deeper than I’m willing to put up with. I think it comes down to the reason why they cheated and the extent of it. A fling is one thing, a full blown affair is another.
A month in to our relationship, my ex told me he had cheated on a previous partner but that he could never do that again after how “awful” the experience was. I initially thought it was mature of him to be so forthcoming when he didn’t have to say anything, but throughout the entire 4 years we were together, it always loomed in the back of my mind. One day I come home from work to the house half packed up and a U-Haul in front. He told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that I should go stay with my sister while he moves out. I was so blind sighted since he had just been talking about our date night before I left for work that morning.
A year later I found out from a mutual friend that he was cheating on me. Explained why he left me like that. I felt so foolish for giving a cheater a chance. While maybe some people can change after they have cheated, I don’t think I could knowingly date someone who has cheated ever again.
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He cheated again, and again, and again. Eventually I cheated back. I left the last time he did, though. Cheating is disrespectful in itself; having his married mistress in our bed while I basically killed myself working 3rd shift and caring for twin infants during the day was beyond disrespectful and finally gave me the strength to divorce his ass.
Things were never the same after the first time. (I was really naive in my belief he wasn’t that person.) I ended up becoming someone who’d ask questions and call to ‘check in’. It was not me and really exhausting. The second time, he’d had an actual 2 year relationship. We’re now in the process of a divorce. I’m in mourning. I really don’t know this person after 20 years.
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It continued the theme of never being held accountable for the entire relationship and became the standard that all shitty behavior could just be glanced over, all is forgiven bc “love”
Nope, nothing changes for the better, their respect level for you goes to shit and they continue because they know they can and you’ll never do anything about it. It’s sad but true.
He cheated again. We broke up for good.
I found out about the second round of cheating because he propositioned a mutual friend… messaged her on Facebook…while I was in his profile picture.
Hey Hannah, just wanted to know if you wanted to hook up sometime. If not that’s cool. Just keep this between you and me
I will be forever grateful to Hannah for sending me that screenshot. When I ran into her a couple months later she was worried I would be mad at her. Like why?!
I wasn’t even mad at the girl the first time I found out about cheating. She was new to the group and accused him of SA (not sex but groping). I actually got her number and listened to her side of the story. While I don’t believe her 100% I also didn’t believe my boyfriend 100% either.
He cheated on me multiple multiple times. I only knew about the two times until after we were done.
It’s never been the same for the last 2 years.
However, I had also been unfaithful at one point with another woman, and he gave me a second chance. This was before I learned that his previous encounters with a woman he slept with while we were engaged (unfounded claims because there was no tangible evidence) were true. I learned they slept together again 2 years ago, in our bed, and there was a Snapchat of them on her story. It was sent to me and he had no choice but to come clean.
I was honest and upfront about my infidelity; he wasn’t, until he was caught. Since then, I’ve been repairing my brain, nervous system, and all its respective faculties. But the trauma is persistent. Our marriage has been going through other things since then, and we’re in therapy.
But suffice it to say, the love and respect I once had is gone. I still love and care, but it’s vastly and enormously different.
He cheated again and divorced me to be with her.
The cheating happened around five years married and again after 27 years. I asked for a separation the first time he cheated, but he begged me to stay. Stupidly, I stayed. Second time, he left me to be with his current wife.
He continued to cheat. Then I left for good.
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We went to marriage counseling. It was around a year ago now. He allows me full access to all his accounts. He also helps around the house more. He tells me he loves me more frequently. it’s hard, though. There are days when I still feel like something is off. His affair partner attempted suicide and he was there for her, that and a variety of other factors started their affair. Her true colors showed with time. She threatened self-harm when she didn’t get what she wanted. That’s not love; it’s manipulation, and I’m happy my husband recognized that. We’re still in therapy sorting out the other problems We’re facing. It’s hard. Some days, it feels like months.
Cheater got better at cheating
My ex was constantly having “online relationships” tbh I think he is a deeply insecure person and has a very unhealthy relationship with sexuality due to some strange religious reasons.
I caught it at one point… cause he’s stupid. I wasn’t snooping. It very literally fell on my foot. (He’d got drunk and left his phone on the top of the fridge so when I opened it the phone fell on my foot. I picked up the phone and saw a weird message from a shady girl… and THEN I snooped.) he swore he wouldn’t do that shit again. I never really trusted him after that. Had an “open phone/computer policy” several years later he started doing the same shit (different women) I left him.
They did not improve. I completely regret it. I stayed faithful and I wished I’d thrown them out when it happened. What a waste of three years of my life 🤦🏼♀️
I found out my partner cheated on me through Facebook and always monitored everything they did to the point I found out they told someone they had to learn to love me and faked it for a year and a half. I read that at year 3.
It drove me nuts because I suggesting breaking up before all this drama 4/6 months in and they gave me a speech as to why I should stay. Such a waste of my early 20s. Don’t stay always leave and start over. Especially if they lie about it.
My ex husband- eventually cheated again. That’s why we are now divorced. We did intensive marriage recovery and therapy after the first time. There was nothing more to try and no excuse. Made the decision to divorce easy.
I gave my ex another chance after he cheated. We had a long history and shared a life, pets, plans, everything. At first, he really changed. Therapy, accountability, all of it.
But deep down, I couldn’t unfeel the betrayal. It stayed under the surface and poisoned the trust. I wanted to believe in the fairytale of healing, but it never felt safe again.
No, I don’t regret tr. It gave me closure. But I wouldn’t do it again.
They continued cheating
He cheated, repeatedly to the point my self esteem was terrible. I eventually went to therapy by myself, worked up the gumption to leave, and have watched him self-implode in all his relationships after. Cheats in those, too. He has a hole in himself that is impossible to be filled and I’m so glad to be away from him. It was never me and always him. It’s vindicating for me, but sad for all the other people in his life.
I cheated on my husband when we were engaged. It was before therapy and working on myself and realizing the relationship between my attention seeking and my daddy issues. I felt really bad, he gave me another chance and I never did it again. That was 10+ years ago and I don’t think he even thinks about it often
Lasted around 4months more. I was completely miserable all that time. Then she cheated again, left me and a year later came back. Of course i did not let her another chance.
To this day i feel like tossable garbage and i dont see a way to feel validated or lovable again since i feel like i have no value in me
Broke up for a stupid reason after a while and then dated the girl he cheated on me with
Lasted a few months then he started again, at a much larger scale and hiding everything much better than before
I don’t regret giving my ex another chance for the sake of our child. We both tried and that’s something but in the end, the love I had prior to finding out about his cheating, diminished and the trust never returned. While I don’t know for sure if he cheated since the last time (I had an inkling but didn’t pursue an investigation due to not being bothered), he has still behaved in a way that is disloyal to me and disregards me. He doesn’t love me the same way either but he would have stayed with me if I hadn’t ended it because it was convenient for him.
Edit: As others have said, when you do decide to forgive and move forward with that person, it IS difficult. It takes a lot of work to forgive and to rebuild the relationship. More often than not, the relationship fails.
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I should have left immediately.
Its been 3 years so i can only speak for so far. Yes it got way better but theres another factor that made the diffrence . He got help , he went to therapy individual and couples, made no excuses, and most importantly he got sober. Hes been sober this whole time and now i realize this person he was when he drank was the problem hes so diffrent like night and day. How long hell stay sober and faithful i dont know but so far we havent had more divorcable issues since that day. But its mot for everyone and anyone who give you an excuse or has no patience doesnt deserve a second chance futher more you might not be able to forgive and dont force yourself to move on.
Thirteen-year relationship. Caught him cheating on me (a months-long affair) after 11 years together and gave him another chance. Caught him cheating on me with multiple women two years later.
At some point you have to stop being a doormat. I just read that you’ve caught your guy cheating 4 times? Petal, that time is now.
We separated months later X3
They did cheat again, and it was a long distance relationship, imagine how stoopid he was that I found out TWICE 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Don’t give them a second chance, is easy not to sleep with someone else, it is an action that requires effort, if they can’t be honest with themselves and look for an open relationship instead of cheating in a monogamous one, you cant expect them to be honest with you.
(also if your relationship is monogamous for a long time and they ask for an open relationship, leave them, I say this as someone currently in an open relationship, if its not from the start it doesn’t count)
I had a feeling he was cheating so I left him. Never confirmed it but our relationship was rocky, we agreed on the mutual breakup. A few months later we had sex and I got pregnant so we decided to give it another try. I found out after I gave birth, so it was a year and some change later. I was devastated!
I wanted to end it but with a newborn, and I had no job and a suspended license, I had no choice but to stay. He became more compassionate and loving. What made it easier is whenever I ask him a question about it, he answers truthfully without blaming me or getting angry. You can see his remorse. It makes it easier to stay but the betrayal is still there.
I don’t regret staying, things have been much better but he has become the man I always dreamed of. We are doing so good. My suggestion is, if he is understanding and showing compassion and you want to try, then go for it. You will know if you can no longer handle it. If you leave without being 100% sure you want to leave, you will go back ans that creates a toxic environment. My motto is, fight until you can’t no more so that way you don’t return. It hurts but if you have a good support system, you can overcome it with time. Best of luck to you!
She kept hating sex with my friend and possibly other guys. I ended up catching herpes from her and ended up in the ER from it because my immune system is an asshole.
Different person. We were in a polyamorous relationship but needed to tell each other before adding a new partner or having sex with random people. Apparently she was hiding a whole out of town boyfriend for a year. He didn’t know about me either and wasn’t that excited about it. We decided to try to make it work. He died suddenly. She added a new person from my friend group without mentioning it and hid it. Left me for this person because she couldn’t handle being in the closet about being with a women. Her person immediately came out as a woman.
He did it again.
He cheated and I cheated back as retaliation. We are better off than we were before and know not to take each other for granted. It was a long hard road to get back to love, but we did it.
even if they improve, it would be impossible for me to ever fully trust them again, so what’s the point in continuing that relationship.
They cheated again then cried when I made out with someone else . ( We were not dating when I did that )
Raise your standards. You deserve better.
Regret.
That slimy fuck took it to mean I was cheating too.
He’s gonna die alone, and Im not. HA! Fuck him and his shitty family.
It wasn’t worth it. He believed that if I let that go then he could continue to fail me in every way he could. I hurt myself more by staying there and over time I ended up being unfaithful also trying to bring karma to their door.
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I have never voluntarily given a cheater a second chance, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I was forced to be around one for a year. And after lying, cheating, and stealing, simply came more lying, cheating, and stealing. Definitely zero potential for improvement.
He was actually very guilty and changed a lot. He openly became a one woman man but honestly, I couldn’t let it go no matter how much I tried. The crack was always there and then I started seeing everything that was truly wrong. Him being a cheater wasn’t even the worst part, he was just terrible which was more of an issue. In the end I still couldn’t move past it and the relationship ended 3 years later.
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