And to be clear I don’t mean these women changing, because we know that’s unlikely. I mean living your life largely in peace and unaffected by this stuff.
For my own story, I had no idea this was even possible (lol), and was pretty excited to have a MIL as my own family has issues and his seemed really “tight-knit”.
Things genuinely went south almost immediately, when I learned she viewed the other DIL as “taking her son from her” and got mad at them for very reasonable boundaries (such as splitting holidays between both families). The first time i met her she came over to my house uninvited when my partner was sick and told me “no one could keep her from her boy”.
Loads more I could say (oh god the 10 minute hugs, the “anything for my boy”, etc).
My partner is 31 and we have been together 3 years. Not yet married. My partner is on the same page as me that this stuff is toxic but I had to point it out which we all know is exhausting. But he gets it now he’s in therapy, reading books & has a support group. He’s a good guy and a very good partner.
I was really clear with him that what I had seen so far was a no for me and that I don’t want an individual relationship with his family unless or until things markedly improve. If we have kids we can see them 1-2x per year for short visits and if it’s too much those visits are on him.
So my game plan is to largely nope out and that is fine with him. I’m sure she’ll cause issues but I’ve made it clear that’s for him to work out in therapy. I know I sound intense or harsh but truly I have worked hard for my peace and I’m not letting her take it from me.
My family is really far from perfect but it’s mostly that we can’t rely on them for heavy support versus them actively trying to interfere with our lives, so this is a totally new variable for me.
Has anyone else largely found peace with this dynamic? My thinking is as long as my husband sees it and accepts my limits, this becomes in the realm of marital problems and not a life destroyer…
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I don’t think you are overly harsh at all. Matter of fact I love the clear and open communication you’ve had with your partner about the red flags you are seeing BEFORE marriage. This sub is littered with stories of women who dismissed the red flags before marriage and are now suffering or suffered through. Some were able to stay and enjoy their boundaries and marriage and some didn’t make it. Continue to be open and transparent about your boundaries and then STICK TO THEM. Don’t bend or break of any of them. Good on your partner for also recognizing and doing his own work to navigate this issue with his mom. I hope that you and him make it through this stronger.