Last year, I broke up with my girlfriend. At the time, I thought I wasn’t happy—but six months ago, I had a serious realization that the issue wasn’t her or the relationship. It was me. I didn’t put in the effort. I wasn’t present. I’d reply to her texts with one-word answers like “fine” or “ok” when she was clearly trying to connect. Looking back at those messages makes me feel sick because she really cared and tried, and I gave her so little.
I reached out recently, and we started talking again. I told her how I feel and how much I’ve changed and grown. I apologized deeply and told her I now see what we had and how I’d treat her differently. But when I asked about possibly trying again, she told me she’s scared I’ll fall back into old patterns and hurt her again. She said she still needs time to heal and asked me not to contact her.
I feel crushed. Like I ruined something good and now it’s gone forever. I wish I could prove I’m not that guy anymore. But right now I feel lost, and the regret is overwhelming.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Is there anything I can do, or do I have to accept that I broke something I can’t fix? TL;DR messed up breaking up!
Comments
What have you done to show her you’ve changed? Have you done therapy? Have you completely and accurately identified to her what you’ve changed and why? And why you specifically left her and what you’ve done to remedy the underlying causes?
Or did you just say “Hey baby, it’ll be different this time, I’ll treat you so much better. Just trust me.”
Side note, she might be dating someone else right now.
She told you not to contact her. Your regret doesn’t override her right to not have you in her life. She said it herself. She’s scared that you’ll hurt her. Again. She’s scared of you.
Stop chasing a relationship you destroyed with your apathy and lack of effort. Work on yourself, whether that’s getting therapy or something else.
As of now, you’re still the same guy. You’re still just thinking about yourself. The only chance you have of changing is to actually do something about it.
Hard life lesson. Leave her alone and be better to the next girl.
Firstly, you need to document, with a journal or something, how you’ve changed. Not for her, for you. You need something tangible to compare how you were vs who you are now, otherwise how can you actually tell if you’ve changed or not?
Secondly, accept it’s over. This changed isn’t for her, it’s for you. If you make it about someone else you’re going to fall back into who you were. Unless she comes back, sadly, it’s over. Sometimes we don’t get 2nd chances and all we can do is learn to forgive ourselves, accept our mistake, and keep ourselves accountable by applying what you’ve learned to your next relationship.
Thirdly, don’t contact her, no matter how much you want to. Part of proving you’ve changed is by respecting her boundary. That’s not a promise she will see it that way so don’t cling to that hope. She’s given you an answer, respect it. She may fully believe you but still think it’s not worth the risk.
Lastly, work on yourself. Don’t seek to date anyone until you’re over her. Go to the gym, find a hobby if you don’t already, and explore your passions if you don’t already. You owe it to the next person you date to have 100% of your attention on them, not 99% on them but still regretful things didn’t work out with her.
You made a mistake, and you’ve recognized the mistake. It is what it is, the only direction is forward.
This is a great thing for you
You’re maturing enough to self reflect, takes people YEARS (sometimes never) to be able to self reflect, identify their mistakes & want to discuss it. Unfortunately, now that YOU are ready to act on that & change it, doesn’t mean any current or former partner is ready to experience that with you
Part of that same maturing process is recognizing when you messsed up in relationships to identify how to be better for the next go around with the next person. I had a whole heap of life to endure before I met my wife to be able to support her how she needs. Damn near divine intervention to have encountered my shit storm, fully self relfect, rebuild & grow. It’s rough but this is happening to you for a reason. Take it stride & find some good hobbies cause once you get to a certain age, tough to socialize with people your own dating age regularly outside of school or work
This pain is temporary. You ruined your relationship, and if you really care about what she thinks of you, go be great. And under no circumstances contact her first.
If you choose to contact her first, this pain will last for the rest of your life because you’ll be a selfish little prick that can’t grow. So grow.