Crazy title, I know. This fuckup actually happened a couple months ago, but the “oh shit” realization didn’t hit me until today.
So, I (20M) was in the “talking stage” with a girl, I liked her, she was really funny, had great energy, super sweet, and was an awesome texter. It was going pretty well honestly, loads of late nights texting, real conversations, some flirting, you know the drill.
A couple days in, we’re texting at night, and the conversation turns towards dating in general, we talk for a while, convo is flowing very well, then she says something like: “wait haha, I can’t believe I forgot to ask you, what are your green and red flags?”. Simple enough, right?
For some reason, I assumed she meant “What green and red flags do you look for in other people?“, so I answered confidently:
“Green flags: humor, communication, trust. Red flags: dishonesty, emotional manipulation”.
I figured maybe it comes off a bit strong, and the red flags are pretty plain/obvious, but I couldn’t really come up with anything else, and we’ve been texting for a while, things are going well, whatever. She goes silent for a minute or so, then hits me with “you’re dishonest?”.
At the time, I was like: “What is she even talking about?”, I was really confused, said so, and she kind of tried to explain, but eventually said nevermind, and we moved on, convo felt a bit dry for a bit, but eventually it was right back to normal. At the time I figured it was some sort of weird miscommunication, and didn’t think much of it.
Anyways, the whole thing ended up fizzling out not long after for other reasons, namely that she seemed to freak out if I asked her out, or when things ever got a bit too real for her. Disappointing, but I moved on, whatever, shit happens, not the point of the post anyways.
I had basically forgotten all about her, when I came across an Instagram Reel today, it was basically a Couple talking to each other about their own Green and Red flags, when all of a sudden, it hit me. The whole thing came rushing back, and I realized that I literally told this girl that I was an emotionally manipulative liar.
Looking back, it’s a funny story, but I’m still pretty embarrassed, a part of me thinks that she probably figured out what I actually meant at the time and let it go, but another part of me says that she probably just remembers me as the guy who said he was going to lie to and gaslight her, because even when she called me out on it, I didn’t realize what I had done. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone fumbling this hard. Oops
TL;DR: Misunderstood a girl’s question and accidentally told her I’m a liar and gaslighter. Didn’t realize how bad it sounded until today.
Edit: I feel like it was clear in the post, but I’m going to reiterate that this fuckup wasn’t the reason things didn’t work out, for some reason everyone is assuming that things ended immediately afterwards, and saying that I “dodged a bullet” and even calling her unstable. Even though things didn’t work out between us, I didn’t make this post because I wanted people to pile on her, I was just sharing a funny story! Seriously, chill.
Comments
You don’t self assess your flags…That’s the whole thing, they are traits others see in you. lol
So one of her red flags would be poor understanding of phrases
you didn’t fuck up, she was unable to navigate a simple misunderstanding and communicate through it.
Did you mix up the red and green flags? I don’t see where you actually FU
She sounds like trouble.
Oh, she’s an idiot. Why would anyone name their own red flags that they possess and not list red flags that they look out for? Most people don’t even know their own red flags.
I’m sorry but she’s really not very bright if she thinks she can just ask what red flags a person has and expect an honest answer from the type of person who would have dishonest red flags.
OP, you may have dodged a bullet.
This sounds like the beginning of a couple’s “but look how great we turned out” story…and it might be. Unfortunately it might also have saved you a lot of trouble. If she can’t step back and see this for what it was then who knows what other trap doors are waiting.
You did not FU.
If you’re dishonest, then you wouldn’t say you’re dishonest, because that would be honest. But if you’re honest, you wouldn’t say you’re dishonest either, because that would be dishonest.
Well she sounds dumb anyway. Who talks about their own green and red flags like that? Haha
It’s not called gaslighting, it’s called gaslamping. How did you forget?
Lol that’s kinda funny. Not an f-up though. You answered in a reasonable way, she didn’t catch the social cues
Sounds like she has a childish mentality.
the question is dumb, why is the question asking the person to list their own green and red flags?
If someone lists that their green flag is 8 inches of honesty, I should believe them?
how you understood it is the only way it makes sense, that instagram reel is fucking dumb, and so is anyone asking in that way
“My biggest red flag is honesty”
‘Honesty isn’t a red flag’
“I don’t give a shit what you think”
You actually did not fuck up. Sorry you wasted your time on someone so unstable though.
Oof, that’s awkward! Bet she laughed it off later.
If that was your understanding, why would you say you are looking for those ref flags anyways? Makes no sense
The only sane interpretation of the question “What are your red flags?” is what do you look for in other people that you would see as negative qualities.
I suppose she could have taken it as asking what green or red flags did you see in her. Same result – miscommunication. She should have asked a follow-up. “Wait… are you saying I manipulate” or “Wait… are you saying you are a manipulator?” Neither of these would be in the top 100 a normal person would pick up from that interaction but if somehow that was what she thought you were saying she could have clarified.
That is very funny. It’s also likely that she understood how you interpreted her question, and didn’t think you told her you are manipulative and dishonest.
The FU is on the girls’ side. The entire point of looking out for red flags is to capture signs of underlying issues that the other person won’t admit openly. The question is stupid either way you frame it, OP merely picked one of two terrible options.
What she meant to ask basically amounts to the stereotypical corporate interview question of “what are your strengths and weaknesses” which nobody answers truthfully nor is expected to, because why would they? The trash isn’t going to throw itself out like that on command, filtering takes some effort.
The alternate interpretation, which OP assumed, is a red flag of its own. Why the fuck would anyone want to know how their screening works if not to breach it? Answering honestly would be a safety compromise.
All in all it’s just a really stupid thing to ask up front. But considering the age of those involved I’d say that’s par for the course.
i was single in a different city than where i grew up and was a complete fish out of water…
had just entered the “real” dating scene and had two different women approach me for my number.
i am a giant person who clearly looks stoned most of the day, because, i am stoned most of the day.
both of these people asked me out when i was high as fuck and then when i mentioned weed stopped all conversations immediately.
we were in Colorado during the legalization times and it seemed pretty obvious to me and most of the people in town that weed was just something that exists and if you are going to drink in front of me then i should be able to toke in front of you.
nope.
one of the girls gave me a ride home from Thanksgiving Dinner and sat in her car with me for an hour ish and when she asked if she could come up i just said, ‘yeah, i have a nice doobie rolled if that is something you like…’
she told me to get out of her car and we never spoke again.
i had just watched her drink half a bottle of wine.
some people…
Dude I did the same shit. I felt so stupid afterwards.lol
This is why I dislike texting for these types of conversations. There’s no tonality and if someone misunderstands, you can’t clarify in the moment. I’ve had so many embarrassing moments over text that could have been avoided by waiting till we were face to face. Save emotional or drawn out convos for in-person meetings
This doesn’t make sense. How can you tell someone else what your own green flags are? Green flags are things that are important TO THAT PERSON. Red and green flags only make sense from the point of view YOU assumed in the text. “These are the things that I need in a person and that I cannot stand in a person, other people may disagree.” There aren’t universal green and red flags, other than obvious ones like “I’m a terrible person”.
I’m confused, you don’t really clarify what happened in the conversation when she asked “you’re dishonest?” and you told her you were confused. I don’t really understand how you guys could have moved on from this part without clearing it up.
Not your FU. That’s not what those phrases mean. Red/green flags are called that because the other person is metaphorically waving a flag; as in, they exhibit some behavior that is a clear sign that they’re a good or bad person to date. The whole point of a “red flag” is that it’s obvious and you shouldn’t ignore what it means. Like, “They were rude to the waiter? That’s a red flag that they’re not a kind or respectful person.”
So you wouldn’t ask someone what their own red flags are because you should be able to see them. You ask them what red flags they LOOK FOR because they tells you what they’re looking for in a partner, something you can’t know without talking to them. And that question has gotten shortened to just “What are your red flags?”
If you want to know more about the other person’s good and bad qualities, you can ask something like what they’re most proud of about themselves or what they want to improve, but it’s completely misunderstanding the concept of red flags to ask someone about them and expect an answer about their own characteristics.
(That’s not even to mention that answers like “dishonesty” or “emotional manipulation” aren’t great answers to that question either. Like, no shit, no one wants to be lied to or manipulated. But the red flag would be something like, whenever you have a disagreement they start crying instead of having a conversation, which would be a sign that they were trying to emotionally manipulate you. The problem would be the manipulation; the red flag is whatever sign points to it.)
Stop trying to use text for detailed, nuanced conversations.
Whatever you tried to say after that, even if you had managed to try to explain to her at the time, you were just manipulating her.
I would have read it exactly the same as you did
> another part of me says that she probably just remembers me as the guy who said he was going to lie to and gaslight her
That’s exactly what happened lol she definitely didn’t understand what you meant.
100% her fault. The question “What are your green and red flags?” refers to what you look for in others, not yourself. She meant to ask, “What are your strengths and weaknesses as a partner?” No one refers to their own strengths and weaknesses as green or red flags that they fly for others to see.
I’m your defense, that’s a terrible question to ask…
She’s supposed to discern whether or not a person has those flags for herself, not just ask and assume that you are self-aware and/or honest enough to just tell her right of the bat.
Getting to know someone takes time, shortcuts like that don’t work.
If someone thinks badly about you based upon a miscommunication over text messaging, then that sounds like they have communication issues.
She expects an abuser to straight up warn her they are an abuser? It doesn’t work that way.
Could’ve happend to me lol
You royally put your foot in it. I love how you thought you were being profound with the red flags, but really, you were just painting a self-portrait. Guess that’s one way to weed out potential partners, scare them off with your honesty. Better luck next time!
You dodged a bullet.
Lmao dude that’s a textbook fumble but in the most relatable way. We’ve all said dumb stuff mid-text. At least yours was accidentally villain-level.
Texting is a terrible way to communicate
You can’t actually ask a person what red flags they themselves have because people see “red flags” differently, some say being “clingy” is a red flag, while others would want their partner to be clingy. Some people like jealousy, some don’t.
It’s stupid to ask what a person does that would be considered a red flag and more reasonably to ask what THEY feel ARE red flags
Ooohhhh I had to reread this and look at the comments because I wouldn’t have understood this as anything other than ‘what red flags do you look for’
I was so confused for longer than I care to admit, she misunderstood your green and red flags as pertaining to you yourself, not what you look for / avoid in a person.
That’s on her, not you.
I’ve had that conversation many times, and not once has it been confused like the way you are describing.
Who tf just asks people their red flags? lol I wouldn’t expect a terribly honest answer asking that.
…why ANYONE ask someone what their green and red flags are, and NOT mean what you had assumed (i.e. that she asked what green and red flags you would look for in a potential partner)? How would somebody be expected to know their “own” flags, when a flag is something that you look for in another person??? Like, my super nerdy obsessions are almost certainly a red flag to many women, but were absolutely green flags for my wife. And the red flag thing is even dumber. With the exception of red flags that are just turn-offs and are subjective (like the example I just gave), usually something is a red flag because it’s a behavior that reflects either a malignancy in someone’s behavior (like being a manipulative abuser) or an underlying personality disorder (such as narcissism, borderline personality disorder, etc). In cases like THAT… the person is either going to intentionally conceal that, be in denial about it, or just not be aware of it. If they DO have a personality disorder like that and are working on it or are getting treatment for it, and decide to communicate that? Well, kudos to them for sure for being brave, that’s certainly a green flag of its own, though I suppose it depends on what it is. I’m not here to shame anyone’s mental illness, but a LARGE percentage (possibly a majority even) of people, especially men, with personality disorders either are unaware of them or are in denial about them. So, we come back around to the question: why would anyone ask “what are your green and red flags?” and expect it to be about anything EXCEPT what that person is looking for or watching out for in another person?
What’s the point of asking someone to say what their own red flags are? That’s a really weird question. Anyone with actual red flags is either not going to know what they are or they’re going to lie about them.
That’s a legendary misfire. Accidentally self-sabotage by volunteering as the villain before you even get a chance to screw up for real. At least you’ve got a solid “oops” story for the next awkward dating convo.
I made this exact same mistake but on my dating profile
Answered the prompt the way you did
My red flag response was ‘no job, no car, no school, no nothing’ because I just got out of a relationship where I was 10000% the supporter with nothing in return
It took me until I saw someone else with the same prompt that said something along the lines of ‘if you do _____ get the fuck away from me’ and then I had the same realization you are 💀💀
Actually I thought like you did..that she was asking what you see as green and red flags in other people.
You didn’t FU, she did, by not clarifying her question.
The way you’ve explained it here, she was asking what would be a deal breaker/red flag that you see in SOMEONE ELSE, not yourself.