My husband and I adopted 2 kids from foster care several years ago.
We got married in our 30s, waited a few years and tried to have a baby unsuccessfully and decided our IVF money would be better spent on a child that actually existed instead of the imaginary baby that we may or may not have been able to have.
Our kids are full siblings. One is medically complex and the other is… emotionally complex.
Our adoption story is beautiful. But it’s the Disney version of adoption through foster care. We were almost supernaturally lucky in how easy and fast everything went.
I have been asked about our experience several times in the last few years and I tell every single person that our story is NOT typical. It is the TV Movie version of real life and definitely should not be the only research that a couple does before taking the plunge.
My mom met a woman who was dealing with infertility issues and shared with her that I am knowledgeable about adoption and sent her my way.
So, I gave her our story, the Disney spiel and brought up some of the uglier sides of adoption to make sure that I made my point.
I guess that was enough to scare her husband off of adoption. Like, period. Totally took it off the table.
The woman (who I didn’t know before this) is mad at me and thinks I ruined her chances to be a mom and my mom says that maybe I shouldn’t have been quite so candid.
I feel like absolute crap.
The thing is that what I told them was pretty mild. Reality is harsh but I wasn’t trying to traumatize anyone. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t misleading them.
So, now I’m our tiny town’s biggest asshole.
TLDR: Infertile lady asked me about adoption. I answered honestly and now her husband refuses to adopt.
Comments
definitely not a fuck up, being honest is always a good thing IMO
Imo you probably did right by the child that could’ve been adopted into a home that wasn’t equipped to care for them in less-than-perfect times.
This one would work very well as an AITA- post.
What do they say? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Fuck em. They don’t like your advice, they don’t have to take it. They can do whatever they want. They should not be mad with you. Sounds like you are just their scapegoat for one or both of them to not adopt.
Nah,
My in-laws have adopted several children they fostered. All have medical or emotional issues. They are better people than me I’m not sure I could do it 24/7.
They also had one foster to adoption child they really loved given back to the mother who had him while high on heroin. 2 months before he was to be legally adopted….it was not a good time. The child’s life turned out less loving than it would have been with them, last we heard he was being bounced between family members.
They can only really afford it because the husband is a family law lawyer.
You did the right thing; I had thoughts of adopting or fostering until I saw what it takes. I also have 3 children of my own and I didn’t want to disrupt their lives with the level of support those kids need.
I’m glad there are people out there who can do it but I’m not one of them.
The thing is, you wouldn’t have been doing them any favors by sugar-coating things and then raising an adopted kid turns out to be more difficult than they thought. So I don’t think you’re the asshole here.
You did an excellent thing. And, I think that deep down you know it. I’m an adoptive parent too and we know how vulnerable these kids are. They need someone who is all in and eyes open. I’m sorry you’re having to hold someone else’s grief and disappointment, but ultimately you protected kids from ending up with parents who weren’t right.
You could have saved her from a possible divorce. Going in with no clue or communication isn’t going to help either part of that couple.
Not a fuck up. People ADORE romanticising things.
Got a new car? Adoption? Ate an egg? They’re not simple events. They’re a life changing, unique turn around, that decides your entire fate.
When people are forced to face reality, this occurs. In fact, instead of fucking up, I believe you saved a kid from someone who would get their hopes up, to be later deserted.
If you truly want something in life, you have to fight for it. If this couple really want to adopt a kid, they’ll talk and work around their imaginary utopia. Otherwise, they’ll spend thousands on fertility clinics and all that.
If man dem can’t handle some adversity at this point …without even having a kid in their hands. They will not do very well adopting
You know what the real tragedy would be though? Infertile lady and husband adopt, it gets messy, husband struggles dealing with the new reality – it’s not what he thought. Husband leaves, tells wife he didn’t know what they were getting into and he just can’t deal with it anymore. Infertile lady is now single mom to a complicated kid without a support network.
You’re rarely in the wrong for being honest.
I was an adoptee and was my tiny towns biggest asshole for a while for both the same reason and different reasons. You get used to it and spared the husband from unknown struggles before he jumped in dick first.
NTA – better he get cold feet now rather than adopt and the realized it’s not for him
She’s mad at her husband’s reaction. Blaming you is just easier.
Would she be just as upset if her experience wasn’t exactly the same as yours?
Perhaps there are deeper issues in them becoming parents of adopted children or those they’ve borne themselves. Maybe it’s their relationship that is strained re: children of any kind. She’s mad at him.
If it wasn’t you, I would hope someone else would have been just as honest. I have relatives who have wonderful adopted children, but even their process to adopt was full of stress and grief. It doesn’t matter how you become a parent. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
You can feel bad, but you didn’t do anything wrong. This person got an unexpected, but much needed, reality check. Parenting requires real dedication and determination. If she can’t handle listening to someone’s real life experiences, maybe she needs to hold off on parenting until she can.
People need to know they cannot just shop for a kid and expect that kid to love them for 18 years. It’s a lifetime commitment, often more complex and difficult than having your own, but rewarding nonetheless.
Not a FU…..I’m unsure how you could be ruining HER chances when SHE is the one who was originally seeking information. Don’t seek what you may not want to find? This sounds like a “them” problem ☺️
You did the right thing. I live in a small rural community. Everyone knows about my kids, who were originally foster children who had been through TPR and who opted to be adopted after legal adulthood.
When people ask me about foster to adopt I get one of those boys, who are now men, to talk to them. Talk about years upon years of therapy, about what it was like dealing with school and court, lawyers, social workers, their families of origin, getting detoxed from unimaginably high doses of psych meds – it’s a long list.
There is a bizarre romanticism about adopting from foster care. Potential adopters and potential adoptees need to know how rare stories like yours and mine are.
We’ve had a very positive experience adopting our son. However, when people who are genuinely interested in adopting ask about it, I’m brutally honest about what to expect and also the industry as a whole. It can be extremely difficult and even traumatic just as a parent, let alone a vulnerable child.
OP, with this being what you said, “The thing is that what I told them was pretty mild. Reality is harsh but I wasn’t trying to traumatize anyone. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t misleading them.”
The husband may be saying that what you told them scared him off adopting.
But I have a really sneaky suspicion that he was already looking for an excuse to give to his wife about not really wanting to adopt,but that he was probably unwilling to “hurt her feelings.”
So he latched on to your story like a lifeline, and that gets him off the hook because now he can blame you, and his wife will be mad at you and not him for getting her hopes up.
There are so many people who deep down are uncomfortable with the entire idea of adopting–but who won’t be honest about it, if their partner is interested in adopting.
He’s probably one of those folks, and you just ended up being the scapegoat he used.
Nope. I just saw a documentary about a family who returned their adopted child back to the agency for not being exactly what they expected! It was horrible all the way around; especially for the child. You may have prevented this from happening.
So… it’s her husband’s problem but she blames you? This is the type of catty woman who comes after a cheating man’s lover instead of the cheating man himself. She’s trash. It’s much better that she doesn’t raise children.
Adoption, for the most part, is absolute hell. And, if you somehow make it through that grueling process, 80% of these children have mental problems like depression, aggression, and other emotional issues. People wanting to adopt should know what they’re in for. You did nothing wrong.
Tell the truth so people know the potential pitfalls. I also tell them that these things can happen with biological children too. Nothing is guaranteed.
People shouldn’t ask questions if they don’t want to hear the truth.
I have seen the adoption of 2 brothers that probably should have been adopted separately. It all ended bad. I am glad you shared your truth. Never feel bad.
See I love experiences like this. I’m the person that wants to know ALL the facts- good and bad so I can make an informed decision. You were honest and what they decided to do is out of your hands
Not a fuck up. Pretty obvious that the woman and her husband aren’t on the same page about kids. Nothing you can do to change that. You did the right thing.
This is leagues better than someone romanticizing or downplaying it, them going through with it, and then not being able to cope with their new reality because they were never properly prepared for what they were getting into.
Them being reactionary and unprepared to hear an uncomfortable truth does not make it your fault for speaking the uncomfortable truth.
At worst, you saved a child from false hope when the guy eventually decided not to go through with it.
At best you stopped them from making a decision they weren’t ready for, but with a child’s care on the line.
I think it’ll be fine.
If a single interaction with someone whom he did not know turned him away from adoption just imagine the horror he would have responded with had the slightest of these stories become true for him and his newly adopted child.
This is SUCH a “bullet dodged” situation if there ever was one.
You are not the problem here, he is.
You were only the catalyst bringing out who he is already.
Seriously, if anyone gives you trouble, simply point out that whatever child out there he might have adopted was the one dodging a bullet.
Nah, if they can’t handle the candid truth, they can’t handle adoption. You did right.
You did them a service. She gets to see exactly the kind of man she’d be raising an adopted child with.
She’s mad that her dream is not realistic. She decided to shoot the messenger.
They shouldn’t have asked if they didn’t want an honest answer! You didn’t do anything wrong.
it is not something that you want to sugarcoat and then that other couple thinks it is all great then something goes wrong and then you’d be town’s biggest asshole because you lied to them
it is too big life decision and honesty should be appreciated not hated
if husband took it off the table after one talk and he is not willing to “take the risk” he most likely had his mind set long before the talk. a lot of us (men) hate the idea of raising someone else’s child, even i, myself, don’t know if i’d be on board to adopt (i’d probably agree if my wife pushed hard for it) luckily IVF worked for us so i never had to deal with that in my life
one of my childhood friends was adopted and her (adoptive) parents were/are close friends with my parents so i don’t have anything against adoption, i just don’t know how i would behave in that situation
I’m an adopted child and my story was equally easy/irregular.
I’m glad you were honest! So many people act like it’s the easy alternative to infertility or abortion. It not easy. Not for the family or the child/children.
There’s trauma that comes with adoption, whether it’s prearranged or after the child has been born. Some people don’t like to hear that but it’s true. It’s absolutely no ones fault but it shouldn’t be ignored.
No fuck up. Better they don’t adopt than go for it and end up miserable or negligent towards their child. It’s a person, not a puppy 🤷🏼♀️
You definitely did the right thing. A lot of people go into IVF, adoption and/or having kids with very little information. Unfortunately, they tend to only look to media and social media for information, and they end up woefully under prepared.
If you being candid about adoption was enough to scare someone away from the process of adopting…. WTH were these people thinking taking on the responsibility of another child’s life (likely with some sort of trauma)???
OP, you didn’t mess up!
If that dude expects adoption to be easy and bails on it when he hears the process may get complicated, what kind of father would he really be?
Parenthood is complicated and messy and incredibly rewarding, but definitely not easy.
My wife baby fevered me into 3 IVF babies. I’m so blessed and so tired.
She isn’t mad at you. She is mad at the universe.
She is mad about her own fertility issues. She is mad at her husband for taking adoption off the table. She is mad that adoption isn’t easy and wonderful. She is mad because this was supposed to be a solution and just like fertility treatments and everything else it was ripped away from her.
She is mad because she desperately wants to be a mother and it feels like the whole universe is against her.
This isn’t about you at all. You’re just an easy scapegoat.
We fostered for years, and adopted several of the children we fostered. Based on my experience, you didn’t FU.
You need to be brutally honest about things like this. Yes, sometimes everything goes right and you get the storybook adoption, but there are plenty of non-storybook outcomes. Trying to sugarcoat it just does another disservice to children who have already gone through too much.
Gonna need thicker skin than that to successfully adopt, guys.
You did a good deed.
So you should have sugarcoated it for them, so they could go through the pain themselves … ? You are not to blame here. The fact that the husband was so easily swayed means he was on the fence about adoption. It’s good to hear honest feedback from people who actually jumped that fence. He made a more informed decision once he had more information.
I think it would be wise if his wife respected his feelings, instead of trying to place blame outside of her marriage. I understand why people want to blame you, because it’s the simpler path, but that doesn’t make it the right path. It’s unfair to you that she would only have been happy with your words if it had led to the outcome she wanted. I suspect if adoption has gone awry for them, she would have blamed you all over again.
My adopted nephew was in an orphanage for his first 3 years of life. He has issues. It is not easy.
“My Paris vacation was hell!”
Thank you for being honest! Those kids in care need someone prepared for their needs.
Source: 5 siblings adopted from foster care, oldest is 19 now (5 when we got her)
You opened a couple’s eyes to the idea they may not be fit for adoption. That’s not a FU imo, because you saved a child(ren) from unfit parents, and parents from unstable kids. Yeah, the truth hurts sometimes, but pain exists to keep us from irreparable damage.
At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself, not other people. Honesty is the best policy. Whether people like the info received or not is not your problem.
Some people want the truth, others want the fantasy. Maybe we should ask before sharing the cold reality but unless you know them well you never truly know which they want.
You did nothing wrong. Hiding the truth is how we end up with so many unhappy people down the line. If someone asks you, you should always be honest.
As someone who considered adoption and turned away after doing my research, I appreciate your candidness. I still think adoption can be beautiful, and maybe someday we will be right for it, but I learned enough about what these kids needs to recognize our limits as a couple right now. It would be terribly unfair and harmful to any child who is taken into care by someone who isn’t on board with loving them as they are.