this is my second account since this is crazy.
I recently got married and I went to my folks yesterday to add the pics to our albums.
when I went to the basement to grab the family albums, I ended up just flipping through out of curiosity, and noticed a guy I didn’t recognize in a LOT of the pictures.
my mom has a huge family so I don’t know everyone, but this guy was in photos of just her, her parents, and my late aunt.
the weirdest was a Christmas card that had everyone’s names on it. the naming system in our culture is complex, but you only share a last name with your mother and siblings (unless you get married and change it), not with cousins, grandparents, etc. Well this guy was listed on the card and had my mom’s maiden name as his last name.
my mom ended up coming in since I was taking so long and I asked her who it was and she tried to say she didn’t know. I kept pushing and then she got upset and left.
my dad asked when happened and I showed him the picture and he immediately looked uncomfortable and told me to drop it.
well after a LOT of nagging (like, hours) he told me. that guy is my mom’s older brother who is serving life in prison. my dad refused to say more because it’d upset my mom, and my mom is ignoring me, which is really unlike her – she’s very communication orientated.
I have an older brother and I haven’t even told him yet since this is so insane I feel like I’m dreaming. how could they keep something like this from me for so long? especially since he was in pictures where my mom was a teen, and her and my dad started dating around that time so that must mean my dad knows him too right?
anyway it’s been a day and my mom is still not talking to me, this is seriously so weird.
TL;DR: accidentally discovered mom’s secret brother (who’s in prison) and she’s upset.
Edit to Update:
I’ve talked to my brother and mom and I’ll just summarize the conversations.
first I talked to my brother. turns out he knew my mom had a brother. he saw the photos over a decade ago, put it together, and said nothing. I got upset since he never told me, but he said I proved why by interrogating, which was fair.
I talked to him about looking up the name and he said he can’t stop me but he wouldn’t do it because our mom is smart, so he thinks if she won’t tell us, not knowing is for the best.
my mom called this morning. I apologized a lot and she basically said this (also note that my mom is a professor and talks like one).
she said it was wrong of me to coerce info out of my dad when they were both visibly uncomfortable and that she taught me better than pressuring people to do anything. i apologized profusely, and she accepted it as long as I do better and I will.
she then said that the man in the photos is “her brother in blood alone” and she can’t tell me anything else. idk if she meant it in the emotional sense, and I feel like she would’ve clarified if was legally, she just said she can’t.
she also said that she knows I’m a curious person and “would never forbid my pursuit of knowledge and doesn’t believe ignorance is bliss” but there is info that can “alter your perception and life’s course permanently and negatively” so she’s trusting me to be wise.
I quoted most of that since it was just this morning and hard to paraphrase. I get that she’s saying to do what I think is best but it feels like she speaks in riddles, and usually I can just ask her to clarify but I think I asked too many questions to expect her to answer more now.
the last thing she said was not to bring it up to her OR my dad’s parents or there will be massive consequences that she can’t control. well, I wasn’t going to anyway, but that’s ominous, no?
everything’s good now and my wife said I should drop it, and I am. but if days or weeks go by and it’s still eating at me, I might look him up.
Comments
lol you didn’t F up. it’s kind of weird that they would just bury his existence for no legitimate reason. maybe he went to jail for a crime against one of them, and so they wanted to sever ties?
I get that you’re curious but do you feel they were under any obligation to tell you? Sounds like what he did was probably terrible and they want to completely cut the cord.
Thank God for the internet. Your mom didn’t tell and kind of sucks she won’t you but you can find out on your own. All kinds of newspapers are online now and most cost records are public.
Your mom can be ashamed and maybe she doesn’t want to tell you because he did something to her, so don’t push with her unless and until you find out more.
It’s not right she hid it but she may have had her reasons.
Happy sleuthing.
It’s possible that her brother is linked to some traumatic event in her life. I get the impression that you feel betrayed somehow, but your mother is allowed to keep secrets from you and it sounds like this was kept secret for your protection.
Does this knowledge affect your day to day life?
What difference does it make if your mom has an older brother than is serving time for something he did wrong, such that he has to be excluded from everyones life in your family?
Sounds like you have a lovely family, that is embarrased or otherwise by the actions of moms older brother. Why push the envelope? Enjoy your life, its too short to pressure your parents into explaining things like that when it ultimately has no bearing in theirs or your life anymore. Older bro made his bed, now he gets to sleep in it. Parents moved on. They have you. Miracles still happen, your not in jail, your smart and analytical. They’re proud of what they’ve built and you, they want you to look up to your parents and not see them as the family of a convict.
Thats my two cents. Best of luck with it all. I hope I didnt offend of upset with my comment.
i know it’s hard finding out you didn’t know everything about your own family but judging by your mother’s response and the fact no one talks about him and he’s been in jail at least your whole life, it was most likely some kind of extremely violent and/or sexual act against a vulnerable person
I have an embarrassing family history of jail birds and felons.
I understand wanting to know what happened. You don’t want to know and you should walk away now.
Think about how finding this information out is going to affect your day to day life? It doesn’t.
How does it affect your mom? Badly, she’s upset and deflecting.
Your dad would have told you if it was something small time like theft, so it’s bigger than theft and your mom gets upset.
I would drop it. If your mom was a victim you could hurt her badly by pushing this further. At most, I would tell her you’re there for her if she wants to talk about it one day.
Congrats on your wedding. Focus on building your new life and not on this apparent tragedy in your family.
You dug up a family skeleton from the closet, shit happens.
Are you sure he’s not your biological father? There’s some things it’s better not to know.
I strongly suggest dropping this. No good will come of it. Based on your mom’s reaction. And your dad’s. There is a a big chance your mom is a victim of his. There is a reason the whole extended family kept the next generation from knowing about it.
From experience, whed Dad says “drop it”, you drop it.
I would want to find out in case there was some mental illness involved. That could be important for you or your family.
Could be incest, rape, murder, something personal and taboo, so she’d rather not discuss it.
You have the name and at least a rough idea of dates – get googling.
Yikes, that’s a wild family secret… give her space, then talk calmly.
lol I’ve done this as well and accidentally found out my dad was married before
My dad and his siblings were well north of 60 before their mom casually mentioned on her deathbed that they had four (4) siblings that had all died as children before the sibling they had previously believed to be the first born was born.
If you want to know, you have his name, look up his court records. I’m curious too, I would have to know. But don’t badgering your parents.
Would you rather have grown up knowing you had an incarcerated criminal as a relative, or not? There can be social stigma attached to that. It could have negatively impacted your sense of self-worth as a child. Your mom was trying to protect you from this knowledge. She may feel deep shame that her brother is incarcerated. Go easy on her, OP.
Leave the past in the past where it belongs.
That reaction should tell you enough — what are you, 12?
Ok so maybe this is an unpopular take… but you need to know at least his name and what he’s in prison for. “Sentenced to life in prison” doesn’t usually actually mean “life” – most life sentences in the US are for 20 – 40 years, and depending on behavior, they may be eligible for parole much earlier. I don’t know where you live or if the prison system is at all comparable, but sometimes if you want someone to stay in prison, you have to pay attention, show up to court, testify that their release would have adverse affects on the still living victims or the bereaved, etc. It can be a whole ordeal, and failing to keep up with their case can result in you finding out after the fact that they let a monster with a vendetta against your family out on good behavior.
I have horrible family members I have never met but my mother took explicit care when I turned about 16 to explain to me exactly why her brother Roswell was in prison and exactly why I should never ever answer anyone claiming to be my uncle.
(He molested both of his own daughters for years until the eldest fell pregnant from him at the age of 14 and she told the doctors, leading to him being sentenced to life in prison. Thankfully the cousin he molested miscarried and thus wasn’t forced to birth her rapists incest baby.)
Plot twist: that’s your mom’s secret twin brother who was ‘sent to live on a farm’ but actually just moved to the next town over and nobody talks about it.
You didn’t fuck up by digging into the family album. You fucked up when your dad said not to talk about it, and you couldn’t take no for an answer. You’d think a grown ass adult (I’m assuming since you’re married) would know these things.
Can’t you Google it? I mean look the dude up if you gotta know. I assume there’s a reason you don’t. A guy threw acid in my grandmas face and blind her. I didn’t know till after the dude who did it died in jail. Smart play on my family’s part, why bring it all up again?
Parents live a lot before they have kids.
Some stuff they’d rather not speak of.
My wife’s friend was looking at old family photos, and kept seeing mom with a young female child. Turns out she had been married before, and she left the husband and daughter (The husband was abusive). Mom never talked about prior marriage or daughter.
The friend found the daughter (older half-sister) on Facebook, and now they’re great friends.
Stop diggin in yer albums and start diggin in yer butt
This is something that doesn’t really concern you so of course they wouldn’t tell you. And they don’t want to tell you because it’s probably fucked up. You’d be lucky if this uncle of yours is in jail for something relatively benign like fraud.
When and how did your aunt, Mom’s sister, die? Could he have been involved? I know the curiosity must be haunting you but based on how your mom reacted, it would be best to leave her be. Maybe try internet sleuthing if you need answers. But don’t share what you know as of now with anyone.
You didn’t fuck up, your parents did. They chose to lie by omission and cover things up instead of facing whatever the truth is like responsible people. You have no obligation to abide by that choice.
Your mother is mad because her deception has been discovered, and blaming you for that is an easy way out for people like that to avoid confronting their own mistakes and shortcomings.
In what way does it help you or your life to know that Uncle Joey was a serial rapist?
Some families keep these things secret, some use this to teach kids about consequences. This was fucked up by your parents. Not you. What if one of you or your siblings were running for a public office and this came out of nowhere. Think of that and react to this. That will put things in perspective.
It’s unfair to ask after both your mom and dad said to drop it. But you also have a curiosity. Best bet is to google.
the real TIFU is you being unable to take a hint and let sleeping dogs lie, or at least go about it in a more tactful manner
Also something to consider, running through all the possibilities of what could get this person thrown in prison for life and nearly completely struck from the family record, is this something you’d want your spouse and their family to know?
Whatever this dude did was so unspeakably horrific no one, NO ONE wants to talk about it. Your mom is barely speaking to you over this.
Are you from a culture where the actions of one bad relative can bring the whole family down? Any weird or unfavorable traits your spouse’s family sees will there be whispers? “Well, you know….Funfetti’s uncle is in prison for life….so maybe it’s those genes?”
Tread lightly
Easy enough to find out. Contact whatever prison system is in the country.
Man I HATE family secrets. I hate even more than people get mad at the people who uncover them instead of the person who did wrong in the first place. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re not responsible for your mom being upset. it’s totally normal to ask who people in pictures are. If you push her any more about it, that would be kind of mean, but getting someone, anyone to fill you in is understandable.
You need to drop this and respect there is a reason they do not want to discuss it which they are not comfortable with you knowing.
Wondering if you could update — have you tried apologizing/reaching out to mom? Are they okay now?