TIFU by discovering my mom’s father is not her biological father

Back in high school (about 2018 or 2019) I did an Ancestry DNA test and while searching through matches, I discovered a last name I hadn’t heard on either side of the family before, “Currie” (fake last name incase a family member comes across this). Neither parent knew of any Curries in their family trees, but since I was pretty new to the genealogy game, I brushed it off.

Over the past few months I’ve gotten back into genealogy again and have done significant research on both sides of the family, yet somehow it was only a few days ago that I really realized there were no MacMillan (my mother’s maiden name, also fake for the purpose of this post) in any of my DNA matches. So I’m looking through all of my matches and their family trees a bit more thoroughly and I realize that there definitely no Macmillans, and that there are more than just one or two Curries, there are many. They’re also all related to each other and a bunch of other people I couldn’t quite place within my family tree.

But here’s the thing that should have set me (and my mother) off sooner. My maternal grandmother’s old boss’s last name was Currie. We just thought this was a cool coincidence back in 2018 and we also didn’t know which side of the family this Currie was from, so we didn’t think much else of it.

And so I’m looking through all of these Curries and immediately I remember that my grandmother’s old boss, a man whom she worked with for decades at a little shop in town, was a Currie. A little bit of external research and I am able to figure out that he is also in fact related to the Curries that I’m related to, too, and all of the pieces fall into place.

I’ve reached out to one of my Currie relatives and explained the situation. She’s been very understanding and welcoming and has provided some additional info on my biological grandfather’s family. My biological grandfather (the Currie) is dead, his only child (my mother’s only sibling whom she never even met) is dead too, and was adopted so even if he was alive a DNA test would be moot. I was also able to reach out to some Macmillans that I should’ve been related to and confirmed with them that they’d taken DNA tests and that we were not, in fact, related, so I’m fairly certain this is not some sort of grand mistake.

I’ve told my siblings and they’ve been pretty understanding of the whole thing, it’s just strange because so much of my mother’s identity was wrapped up in being a MacMillan, which rubbed off on us as kids. My oldest sister’s middle name is MacMillan! She did highland dance as a kid and wore the MacMillan tartan! My brother wrote his university thesis on our grandfather’s WWII regiment! Even though he’s dead (and died before I was born) he’s still always been such a big part of our lives. And for what.

Then there’s my mom. My grandmother and grandfather (the man who raised my mom) are both dead, so it’s not like there’s any conversation to be had. She is also an only child so there’s no one for her to talk to and process this with. She had a rocky relationship with her mother to begin with so this certainly wouldn’t help, but my mom idolized her dad. This would be devastating for her. And so much of her identity was based around her identity as a MacMillan, which she apparently never was.

My siblings and I are torn about how to break this to her, or if we should even do so at all? Again, her parents are dead, her biological father is dead (died in 1987), and her only brother who she doesn’t even know about died in 2017. She has a niece apparently (who was also adopted), but would she even want to meet her? Should we keep this a secret from her and not ruin her perception of her father and her family as a whole? I know family is who you love, but heritage and culture mean a lot to her, and all of her relatives from her dad’s side that she grew up with, for her to learn that they’re not actually related would wreck her. But would she want to know the truth?

TL;DR: I accidentally discovered that my mom’s dad is not her biological dad. We know who her biological dad is, but should we tell her and ruin her whole identity?