TIFU by drinking too much.

Obligatory this happened when i was 22, 11 years ago. I am a (M34) now.

The night was Halloween and naturally being that young I liked to drink and smoke a lot. Well my friends step-mother, a sweet lady, was always the bartender for the night and her specialty was always French martinis. She tended to make them extra potent. So as the night went on I was probably 4 beers deep and a few French Martinis In, feeling pretty good. So at the time my friends and I were heavy into weed and we were feeling like it was the right time to go outside and smoke. So the three of us my friend, myself and another high-school friend of ours went to the side of the house to hit some bowls. Our piece of choice was always a 1ft glass bong. We were accustomed to mixing cigarette tobacco and weed which was probably a contributing factor to this fuck up. So being pretty drunk, I took a big rip and this where the fuck up happens. I only remember parts of this story as a was extremely drunk. This is what they told me happened.

Apparently I leaned over the side of the chair and threw up pretty much all the liquor and horderves from the evening. I proceeded to groan as i slowly slid off the side of the chair, falling head first into the pool of vomit that just created. I landed face first splitting open my eyebrow on the concrete, laying motionless in my own vomit. My friend who had watched this debacle unfold realized that I had knocked myself out, proceeded to lift me up to my feet. I was pretty much covered in puke and blood which was all over my cool custom made Waldo shirt.

Once I regained consciousness. They proceeded to walk me back (through the entire house of family, family friends, and my friends dads coworkers) to a room to get cleaned up. I can’t imagine how funny that was to see me completely plastered, being carried by two people arms over there shoulder and everything.

So my friend and his girlfriend (being the great friends they are) proceeded to change me by giving me a new shirt, basketball shorts and also cleaned my face up. I felt pretty ashamed that a 22yr old man is being changed like a baby. Anyways. I passed out shortly after.

The next morning all hell broke loose. I sprang up and started to freak out because I didn’t know what happened. Yelling at my friend (who was sleeping btw) “what the fuck happened, where am I. What the fuck”. I mean who wouldn’t be. This is where the fuck up number 2 happens. I had a heavy lump in my pants like a full babies diaper. I run to the bathroom and I realized I shit myself in my sleep. It felt heavy because it had settled into a nice dry lump. Fuck up number 3 incoming. I panicked and removed the lump( with a bunch to toilet paper) and tried flushing down the toilet. Well obviously that wasn’t really meant for that small suction hole and got stuck. Well I didnt bother to mention it to him because I was hungover, embarrassed and ashamed at what just transpired. So I left and drove home.

Well when he went to use the bathroom that morning, tried to flush and toilet was clogged. Generally confused he grabbed a plunger and when he finally unclogged it, a perfectly shaped ball of poop popped out of the toilet leaving him more utterly confused. He asked me about it later and I confessed to my shameful act.

After that night, to this day i have never drank as much as i did that night!

TL;DR. I blacked out, nosedived my face into a concussion and deficated in my pants while sleeping. Woke up, clogged the toilet and bailed.