Hi again. Yes, it’s me.
The Ben Wa Ball Girl. The one whose vagina once swallowed two steel spheres like it was trying to start a coin collection. I thought that was my lowest moment.
It wasn’t.
In a brave but ultimately idiotic attempt to reclaim my sense of peace, I signed up for an in-person yoga class. I was feeling good. I had new leggings, overpriced water, and three high fiber protein bars fermenting inside me like a cursed potion. Because yeah, gotta eat healthy. Three though?
Everything was fine, until we hit Happy Baby Pose.
If you’re unfamiliar, this pose involves lying on your back, feet in your hands, knees wide, and your butthole pointed directly at God. It’s vulnerable. It’s humiliating. It’s the anatomical equivalent of screaming “come and get me” into the void.
And that’s when it happened.
Let’s just say… my body made a dramatic sound.
Not a cough. Not a stomach gurgle. A catastrophic, echoing, coochie vibrating, cheek clapping, comes out the front and the back, beast of a sound. It didn’t whisper. It roared. This was a cataclysmic back end symphony, a seismic event that shook the mat beneath me and possibly my soul. It didn’t whisper. It roared. I swear it bounced off the mirrored wall like a sonar ping of doom.
And the smell?
Pure betrayal. Despair. Three protein bars that should’ve stayed in their wrapper, fused into a dense, invisible fog of regret. The kind of scent that doesn’t just linger, it conquers.
There was lavender diffusing in the studio before this moment. After?
Gone. Replaced. Dominated.
Like my body walked in and said, “No, I run this airspace now.”
Someone in the back coughed. Another person subtly rubbed essential oil under their nose like we were in a chemical warfare drill. If shame had a scent? It was this.
Then, the worst thing happened.
A woman in the back giggled. Just a tiny, stifled giggle.
And that giggle broke me.
Because I laughed. And when I laughed, it triggered a second incident. Somehow louder. Angrier. Stinkier. Like my body was doubling down in case the first assault didn’t completely wreck my life.
For a brief second, I genuinely feared it came with additional consequences.
The entire class was on the edge. Someone snorted. The instructor, a saint among mortals, softly whispered, “Release what no longer serves you,” and I nearly blacked out from the psychic damage.
Ma’am, I think I just released everything I’ve ever known.
I didn’t stay for savasana.
I didn’t roll my mat.
I grabbed it like a riot shield and evacuated the studio like I’d just committed a felony with my colon.
And thank God… it wasn’t worse.
TL;DR: Trusted my body during yoga. It responded with a double barreled betrayal. I’ve officially topped the Ben Wa Ball incident. I am no longer welcome in the realm of peace and stillness.
Edit:
Not sure how, but my Ben Wa Ball post vanished. Reposted it on my profile if you’re still down for hearing pelvic floor chaos.
Comments
Keep writing, this is hilarious.
Oh no 😳
Oh you poor soul
Lady, there is someone out there for you
And boy do they need to be of strong character
You should write up your diary and publish.
My god I almost blacked out laughing.
THREE fiber bars? You’re lucky all you had was an earthquake; you could’ve erupted chocolate lava.
This is like, 1000% fetish content. There’s no way.
The illustration you add with your words is perfection, thank you for this incredible laugh. Keep writing! You seem really good at it
The storytelling is on point 🤣🤣 I nearly let it rip from pure laughter…
I think I love you.
I’m sorry for your embarrassment, but by god, this is hilarious and well written!!! Thank you
You are one of my favorite authors. You have complete credibility! I believe everything you say!
This happens in my muay thai gym at the end of class at least every other month or so. All the guys laugh out loud; it is what it is – no one cares. Go back to yoga, you’re only human.
Girl you had me crying with laughter a few days ago with the Ben wah balls debacle. The way in which you articulate your atrocities makes my day 🤣
This is… AI.
That’s unfortunate. The Ben Wa Ball story was hilarious.
This is the exact reason I don’t take yoga classes. I stay at home and gas myself, and only myself.
On the wall of a Dojo I was once at were the wise words “If you never farted during training, you didn’t train hard enough.”
Serioulsy, never be ashamed. Yoga has a cornucopia of poses to basically wring the last bit of air trapped in your guts out. I’ve seen, heard and smelled it happen over and over again. (Maybe go a little lighter on the bars though).
If this ever happens to you again, just yell out “Yeah, this is what maximum effort smells like. Namaste!”
At least you didn’t follow through.
I fall more in love with you with every post
Ya know, experiences are what defines life and I have to say through these past couple posts you are experiencing almost all there is to life. Well done! And thank you for being brave and sharing!!
Please, let us know when you are honoring Taco Tuesday. So we can evacuate the planet 😂
Off to read the Ben wa balls story now. You have a wonderful way with words!!
As a former semi-regular yogi – I would have wheezed so hard in that class & been cry laughing at the instructors words
Holy shit this is epic, I’m sorry this happens but god damn was it funny
I’ve done that to my husband before 🤣. Nearly the same pose you described, but with a little help from him holding my legs because I’m chubby. He’s down there, staring at my nakedness as he decides where to start and he said something that made me giggle.
Once I started to giggle I couldn’t stop. He started laughing too and it just kept going. I was full of air apparently. After at least a full thirty seconds I stopped, deflated, and he stopped as he was deflated too.
Once the air cleared though we had a good time.
Release what no longer serves you queen.
https://i.redd.it/ir7e9tdk2n1f1.gif
you sound fun. kinda a train wreck too.
These stories are incredible. Keep writing!
I laughed heartily.
You’re special.
Your writing is spectacular! I can’t get over how poetically hilarious the butthole and void lines were, genuinely makes me want to try yoga lmao
How she writes just kills me lol! This was great.
I can’t find the Ben Wa saga
> The kind of scent that doesn’t just linger, it conquers.
Had me frickin howling.
TIFU, “Today I Farted Upwards”
Okay.. I have a new rule in life. Do not read your posts at 3:30 in the morning while holding a 5 month old. Laughter is not only contagious, it wakes the baby up.
On the other hand. Please keep posting..
You are an amazing writer. Great phrasing, good pace, and very descriptive. Though I feel for you, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts. Thank you for the laughs and please continue to share as you are a very talented writer 🙂
I hope you just have a really good week after this.
You’ve been through it.
I roared! I wouldn’t dream of doing any kind of yoga or exercise in public. I can fart just getting out of the chair or walking!
Thank you for making my night!
How do I swipe right on this app??
This is hilarious. And may the first person not to fart in Happy Baby raise their…um…legs?
I like how you write and it keeps it interesting.
I desperately need you to post more 😂😂😂 your calling might be becoming a comedian because holy fuck
Alright, boys. Where is the next tifu post taking us. My guess is something embarrassing in the car. You locked us into a journey and so far, I’m all in.
One time in Pilates I was holding in a fart. My legs were up at tabletop position. I clearly wasn’t relaxed while holding it in, as my instructor noticed my toes were clenched. She proceeded to pull on my big toe to straighten them. It was enough to break my hold, and I audibly farted.
This was a great ride. Honestly though I had no idea about your other story so when you started with it and then went to “three high fiber protein bars fermenting inside” I didn’t think you ate them initially because of the previous story
Beyond the horrifying incident, I must say you are a very good writer. Great material does that, I guess.
your writing is of the greatest skill and caliber. an eloquence fit for a filthy knave in a darkly lit bar at the back of a stable. I am not a knave but sit at a table in that stable bar and implore you to continue your sonnets of misfortune so that I may continue to laugh like a tickled hyena in a water fight at the muddy pool after a long dry spell.
Good thing OP didn’t stick more balls in the other hole and John Wick someone with a fart cannon.
OMFG.
I LOVE your writing!!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m REALLY empathetic with your for the trauma you’ve experienced… but your writing style has me in TEARS.
If you’re not already in writing. You should consider it.
Oh my! My sides hurt from the candidness and descriptiveness. You bright tears to my eyes, and I b didn’t even smell it!!!
What a story teller lol
I stood witness as you laid bare your soul in the Ben Wa Ball Girl saga. I’m happy that one turned out ok. This one is equally as compelling and hilarious. And in both, I must say you are one hell of a writer and storyteller. Not sure what you do in life, but dang you should continue to write.
Omg. I’m reading this with my cpap machine on my face, cackling so hard that I’m wheezing and I can feel the extra air rolling down the back of my throat. This is making me cough and cackle and tear up at the same time. Take my up vote like the protein bars took your anonymity.
It’s said that bad things happen in 3s. Hang in there girlfriend, you need to protect them bewbs because the universe has already gone after the butt and the cut.
I just have to say…fuck your storytelling is A1 😂 and that absolutely sucks that it happened 😅
Wait, where’s the Ben WA Ball post, now I have to read that?!
Can you narrate my life? That was some poetic prose.
Woman, I have been having a shit day since yesterday. Thank you for having me laugh holding my stomach.
You’ve got some good writing skills. 10/10 well worth the read.