TIFU by having relations with my cousin at a party

Last night I went to a party at my friends house. I’m 34 years old and was very mormon my whole life and recently left the church and my marriage all at the same time. It has been a really crazy ride. I have been seeing the world through new eyes. And trying many things for the first time, like drinking, and I even smoked some weed. It has been really fun. One of my good friends and his wife also left the church recently and they invited me over to a party at their house with a few friends.

My cousin, who is 27, grew up in another state and had recently moved to the town where my friend lives, which is about an hour away from me. We had seen each other at reunions over the years, but were never close. I sent her a text and invited her and she decided to come. I bought some wild turkey because it had the highest alcohol content from all the bottles I saw at the liquor store. Then at the party we all started doing shots, making cocktails, etc.

After a while we were all very drunk. I went to back yard and started puking. My friend’s wife was puking and we basically all just found spots around the house to lie down. I was in the recliner in the living room. After awhile I started to wonder where my cousin was.

This is a good place to tell some back story about my friend. He was a creep in high school, and I had ended our friendship once over it, but he slowly worked his way back into my life. We lived in different states since college, but we stayed close by phone calls. I had just recently moved back to the state we grew up in because of my divorce. So this was one of our first hang outs in over a decade.

Now back to the party. I remembered how my friend was with women and so I started to worry and got up to look for my cousin. I couldn’t find her and finally checked the front yard and my friend basically had her up against the garage with his arms on both side of her so she was kind of stuck. I just knew he was up to no good and his wife was passed out next to the toilet. So I went and grabbed her and brought her back inside even though my friend was protesting. He gave me some bad looks but accepted defeat. I brought her in and her sit next to me.

At this point I had zero intention of anything happening in this world with a cousin. That was just gross and never crossed my mind. I sat my head back and closed my eyes because I was exhausted and not feeling great. My cousin put her head on my shoulder and started thanking me for getting me out of the situation. She thanked me a few times and even seemed to kind of whisper it close to my ear

Then she started doing long slow breaths with a little bit of a whine next to my ear. All the sudden I suspected she might be coming into me. This was very confusing, but a little exciting. If I’m telling the truth I haven’t had any luck yet meeting women. I know i shouldn’t yet, but just so excited because I’ve only ever been with my ex-wife. I often fantasized about the idea of being with someone else. So I was trying now that I could, but coming up empty. If my cousin were a random girl I would have considered her out of my league. She is very beautiful.

So anyway I turn to look at her and we just started making out. My heart was pumping and I was getting aroused and it was very exciting. We just kept going at it. My friend was lurking around and saw us kissing. She was creeped out by him and invited me to her place. So we left. We started talking about sex on the way to her place. I was shocked that she was wanting and willing. We stopped at a drug store and got condoms. We both agreed we would do this as two consenting adults and never tell another soul.

We went to her room and stated kissing again and got undressed and got in the bed.
Then it came time for me to put on the condom. I kind of went soft trying to put it on. But I got it on and tried to go inside her, but was too soft and so maybe barely fit the tip in. I was embarrassed and apologized. She said it was fine and then started talking really dirty to me and said she wanted me inside of her. But I couldn’t get hard. I slept over naked next to her and we started kissing again on the morning, but again, I couldn’t get hard.

Now i just feel so grateful I couldn’t get hard last night. Extremely grateful. I feel so guilty and so mad at myself. What the hell was I thinking?! I called her a couple hours ago and apologized and she said it’s okay and was also her and she felt embarrassed too. We both agreed to take this to our graves. But I just feel so bad and so scared that one day our families will find out. It’s beyond embarrassing. I know that I did this and have to live with it.

TL;DR I came as close as possible to having sex with my first cousin, and now I feel guilty and scared.