I just got home and I genuinely don’t know how to process what just happened. Currently debating if I should move to the mountain by myself.
So here’s what just happened:
My wife’s out of town for the week and since I’ve been working crazy hours (an overnight shift straight into a morning one). I asked my mom to stop by the house, let the dog out, feed him, and keep him company until I could get myself home.
Now here’s where it gets mortifying.
When my wife is away for extended periods, I have a personal “toy” it’s blue, hourglass shaped and let’s say ergonomically designed. My wife is fully aware and even jokingly nicknamed it my Kong.
Anyway, before I went to bed after my last shift, I washed it and left it on the dish rack in the kitchen. Usually I put it away immediately, but I guess I was overworked and I passed out without thinking twice.
So fast forward to today. I come home after 16 hours of nonstop work. I’m exhausted, dead on my feet, and just ready to fall into bed. I walk in and there’s my mom on the couch, happily playing with the dog.
And in his mouth?
The KONG
Covered.
In peanut butter.
I freeze. Just completely short circuit. She gets up to greet me and goes, “He just LOVES his Kong!” Immediately she can tell something up and asked “Is everything ok sweetie?” I mumbled something like, “Yeah just a long day,” and stumbled off before I could burst into flames on the spot.
She didn’t stay long, thank God just left me a plate of food and went home. As soon as the door closed, I sprinted around the house trying to catch my dog, finally wrestled the “Kong” from him and chucked it in the trash like it was radioactive.
Now I’m lying in bed, sleep-deprived and emotionally destroyed, trying to decide if I’ll ever be able to look my mother in the eye again. Or if I should tell my wife. Or if I should just disappear.
TL;DR: Left my sex toy on the drying rack. Mom mistook it for a dog toy, filled it with peanut butter, and gave it to my dog.
Update/Edit: Just told my wife…….., after almost passing out from laughing so hard, through a smile she scolded me for leaving it in dish rack. Admittedly it wasn’t the first time she has told me to not leave it in there, somehow I think this time the lesson has stuck. Also wow came back to this blowing up hope y’all enjoyed my misery. Edit: Along—> A long
Edit 2: I can’t believe I am answering this right when I wake up. It is not a toy that I insert into me, I insert myself into it (might be a link in the comments)
Edit 3 (hopefully final) Ok wow now my biggest post and first ever awards thank you!! For those who keep asking how my mom knew the name and can’t be bothered to just read the comments “KONG” is a well known dog toy brand, my toy looks similar to it which is why my wife gave it the nickname.
Comments
This is definitely something that I’d laugh at with my s/o then never tell my Mom 😭
I don’t believe this, but I do believe you work for the Kong company.
Your mom doesn’t know it’s not a Kong and she doesn’t need to.
Don’t tell anyone, if your mom brings it up in future – the dog took it on a walk and lost it.
But you were 100% right to bin it.
Assuming this is the toy
cake toy
Well, at least your wife will know what to get you for your birthday.
My 5 yo daughter must have found our toy drawer. We had a family friendly house party and as the last guests were leaving she brings it out waving it and saying ‘look! It’s an arm exerciser!’ And proceeds to put the thing in her arm pit and moved her arm up and down.
Horrifying
You put it in the dish rack? That’s the real WTF here.
After reading the comments and understanding what both sex toy and dog treat thing look like I have figured out the solution. Buy yourself a new stroker and buy your dog a kong. Mom wont ask about it later because you got a new one and you will have your own “kong” back that you definitely wont forget to store after cleaning. Also tell wife, she will want a good laugh.
Your mother has no clue, and you owe your dog an extra treat for a month for covering for your ass.
Tell your wife and laugh about it. Never tell your mom
Let it go.
It sounds like she had no idea what it was. And clearly: it worked as a dog toy.
I have stayed at the homes of my grown children. On one visit, we slept in progeny’s bedroom and saw they had left a vibrator next to their bed. Reaction: Who cares? Not me, not my business. You have fun.
Tell your wife tell your wife tell your wife. That’s long term marriage comedy gold
this is how I envision the fallout of your interaction with your mother:
https://preview.redd.it/h4nol0r405bf1.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=01fe080a6d5ee6e599abd90489059611983be372
A few days ago I saw a “what is this thing that bounced off my car” post. The video shows something bouncing down the highway across 3 lanes of traffic to glance off the front bumper of the photographers car. When you slow the video down, it’s obvious it’s a personal toy as you described.
I’m giggling at the image of you throwing your Kong from your speeding vehicle as you embark on your new life in the mountains as a hermit.
Whatever you do, don’t tell every single person with a Reddit account.
If this is a true story, no one knows so it’s a total non-issue. Never speak of it again.
I’ve got plenty actual dog kongs, and I’d also assume that is a knock off kong for dogs if I saw it on someone’s dish rack. It’s the most non sex toy looking sex toy I’ve seen. Just never tell your mom.. She really doesn’t need to know she fiddled with your fondler. Maybe tell your wife though, so she’s not blindsided when your mom asks where the pups kong is next visit, considering he LOVES it so much she probably will. And pray your wife can keep a straight face lol
wtf is up with dogs? I had a certain toy and my dog just comes prancing out into the living room with it in her mouth like, “what’s up, guys? Check out this awesome toy I found!” Love those little creatures, dogs, but come on! Lmaooooo
Lots of good advice here, but the most important one is STOP LEAVING YOUR WEINER TOYS IN THE DISH RACK!!!
Good gravy, imagine using a fork or a bowl at OP’s house.
Are you sure you didn’t steal your dog’s Kong and fuck it?
Years back, I was cleaning out my car at my parents house when I found my old spreader bar in my trunk. I haven’t dated the girl that was into that sort of thing in a while. It was just taking up space at that point so I decided to throw it away.
As I was carrying it to the trash, my mom walked out and asked me what I had there. And I…couldn’t think of a convincing lie. I just went with “Uhhh…I don’t know.” To which she replied with. “Well don’t throw it away! I’ll use it to hang my plants.”
So for a while there my mom would hook her hanging plants on the end of my spreader bar and use it to hang plants up at hard to reach places. Eventually I found it in the garage and discreetly disposed of it.
Bless your mother’s innocence in this matter. I am sorry you lost your toy, but I think it is best if your mom continues to believe you had a long day and your dog really liked that Kong.
You put it in the dish rack bro?
It’s definitely this one
Never played sex toy or dog toy?
There are loads of quizzes like this online if you Google that phrase. Some of them are quite hard 🤣
I discovered my boyfriends “Kong” when he sleepily put it in the pantry next to the bread. Definitely sleep deprived placement. But also GUYS YOU CANT KEEP LEAVING THE SEX TOYS IN THE KITCHEN
Your mom thinks it was a dog toy and has absolutely no reason to think otherwise. I have no idea why you’re freaking out.
Sorry, not a big deal. The dog was a brilliant cover. He needs a big treat for saving your ass. The image of your “friend” resting in the dish rack is more disturbing than anything else.
As a mom with an adult son, please know I would do EXACTLY what your mom did. I also would know full well that the sex toy was not a Kong, and slathering it with peanut butter before giving it to your dog (JUST AS YOU CAME HOME) would be >hysterical< !!!!
My son, too, would hope his old mom never got freaky alone or with his old dad. My son, too would hope his parents had no idea what sex toys are, and simply used artificial insemination to procreate.
Perfect memory to share on the deathbed!