I just got home and I genuinely don’t know how to process what just happened. Currently debating if I should move to the mountain by myself.
So here’s what just happened:
My wife’s out of town for the week and since I’ve been working crazy hours (an overnight shift straight into a morning one). I asked my mom to stop by the house, let the dog out, feed him, and keep him company until I could get myself home.
Now here’s where it gets mortifying.
When my wife is away for extended periods, I have a personal “toy” it’s blue, hourglass shaped and let’s say ergonomically designed. My wife is fully aware and even jokingly nicknamed it my Kong.
Anyway, before I went to bed after my last shift, I washed it and left it on the dish rack in the kitchen. Usually I put it away immediately, but I guess I was overworked and I passed out without thinking twice.
So fast forward to today. I come home after 16 hours of nonstop work. I’m exhausted, dead on my feet, and just ready to fall into bed. I walk in and there’s my mom on the couch, happily playing with the dog.
And in his mouth?
The KONG
Covered.
In peanut butter.
I freeze. Just completely short circuit. She gets up to greet me and goes, “He just LOVES his Kong!” Immediately she can tell something up and asked “Is everything ok sweetie?” I mumbled something like, “Yeah just along day,” and stumbled off before I could burst into flames on the spot.
She didn’t stay long, thank God just left me a plate of food and went home. As soon as the door closed, I sprinted around the house trying to catch my dog, finally wrestled the “Kong” from him and chucked it in the trash like it was radioactive.
Now I’m lying in bed, sleep-deprived and emotionally destroyed, trying to decide if I’ll ever be able to look my mother in the eye again. Or if I should tell my wife. Or if I should just disappear.
TL;DR: Left my sex toy on the drying rack. Mom mistook it for a dog toy, filled it with peanut butter, and gave it to my dog.
Comments
Honestly I’d take that over her knowing what it was…
The mother knows the wife’s nickname for the toy?
I think we need to see a picture of the toy. Sounds a bit far fetched.
You are mortified the dog had it in his mouth but you left it in your dish rack? I know which one I think is grosser but it appears we are not on the same page.
bruh, there is zero chance your mom doesn’t know what that is!! maybe i just haven’t seen the exact “kong” in question, but they usually look like exactly what they are made for…
So sorry it accidentally (or it got too chewed up) and got thrown in the garbage Mom. If she’d known what it was she wouldn’t have used it that way. Mum’s the right way. Never mention it to Mom.
Definitely looks like a dog toy at first glance.
My dude… THANK YOU because I haven’t laughed this hard for a minute on Reddit, and my condolences on the loss of your buddy “Kong” and the brain cells you lost processing your dog was also enjoying your “Kong”, just not in the way you would have. 🤣
I like to ask my husband and kids the same question in life learning moments like these: ”And what did we learn?”
I wouldn’t go telling on yourself though, mom is none the wiser (thank God!), you could just tell her dog loves the toy so much, he chewed it up trying to get the peanut butter out of it. 🤣
But please, for the love of all things holy, tell your lovely wife, have a damn good laugh about this together. This is marriage memory book hall of fame stuff.
LMAO thank youuuuuuu I think it’s safe to stay in society as long as your mother never goes to a “toy” party. And yes confess to your wife she needs a laugh too!
Funny enough there is a dog toy brand named “KONG” it’s kind of bell shaped and you do fill it with peanutbutter
Never, ever, ever say anything about it to mum. It’s fine. It’s all fine.
Tell your wife. Have a good laugh about it. Then move on with your life. Get yourself a new “Kong”, and make sure you put it away, even if you are tired.
If your dog really likes it, maybe let him keep it ! Just put away when people are visiting
Not as bad as my (ex) bf calling me to say that his parents making a pit stop at our place coz they were tired from their trip and didn’t think they could make it home.
Ran around and tidied up in a frenzy, quick made a pot of soup, welcomed them in fed them, got them settled in the guest room….. And while the shower was running, realized that I had left my toy suctioned to the shower wall.
When they left the next morning, I ran in to find it wrapped in a burial shroud (wash cloth) and tossed in the trash.
We broke up a few years later, but I never said anything about it…neither did he
Take it to your grave OP, or your therapist
Becoming a mountain man seems like a decent option.
Was it crunchy peanut butter?
🤣🤣🤣
your Mom? Are you able to ever look YOUR DOG in the eye again?
But honestly, I would tell your wife, she deserves to laugh with you. But please don’t tell your mom and get your doggie a real kong.
This is why I do not trust everyone who brings something to the office potluck. That’s just unsanitary. Do better.
https://youtu.be/urWQJTP8Nxc?si=-JtLgwzg7Y4VsxIM
I am adding this to my list of favorite stories. I. Am. Dead.
Why are you mortified she didn’t know what it was
Bruh you and your wife HAVE to laugh about that! You gotta let that memory flow off ya like water off a duck’s back – life’s too short. If your mom eventually figures out it was a sex toy, I’m pretty sure that’s what supportive wives are for…it was always hers
Expect your mom to bring a new Kong toy for the dog once she realizes the pup destroyed the old one.
Also, your wife is going to laugh for a week straight when you tell her. If I was her, I’d make sure to include the dog toy version in the next gift exchange at Christmas, just to watch you sweat.
i did the opposite. was walking with friend and saw a kong dog toy on the ground… except i didn’t know that’s what it was, and i started going on about why would someone leave a huge sex toy there. she didn’t really say anything but looking back she would have wondered wtf was i talking about.
Thank you for giving me a most excellent laugh! I can’t wait to share this with my husband. Years ago, my best friend and I agreed that when we died we’d go through each other’s bedroom drawers before letting the kids in. I feel your pain. Your wife will love this! 😂
I think Parliament wrote a song about this exact thing. I think it was called Flashlight?
If your Mom didn’t laugh her ass off then never speak of this again. Order a new toy for yourself so the wife doesn’t know. Try to find an identical dog toy for full deniability.
And then mom says, oh you got the junior model.
I’m kinda grossed out you cleaned it in the kitchen and left in the dish drain.
Your post title made think this was going to be a story involving your boss and/or coworkers seeing something they shouldn’t.
Why would your mom know it’s called Kong when your wife gave it that nickname?
When my daughter in-law had twins I went to her house to get things ready for them to come home. I was sweeping under the bed in their bedroom and I found her “ friend.” We joke about it. I nicknamed it Godzilla. We were both embarrassed but we got over it.
Say nothing and buy a new one. It’s the only move.
Am I missing something, how did she know it was called “Kong” when she referred to him loving it. Lol did something go completely over my head?! 🤷🏽♀️
Just a curious question
Did she use a spoon or her fingers to insert the peanut butter?
>My wife is fully aware and even jokingly nicknamed it my Kong.
>She gets up to greet me and goes “He just LOVES his Kong!”
How did she know that your wife nicknamed your sex toy Kong?
Best case scenario considering
You need to be bigger than your dog. The dog depriving you was no reason to deprive it. Look for a Kong twofer and get your house in order.
She doesn’t know what it was so I’d just let it go. She never needs to know.
Why are you washing your personal toy in the kitchen and leaving it on the dish rack? That’s disgusting.
Your mom doesn’t have to know. To her, she played with the dog with a dog toy and you came back from work exhausted from her day. Nothing else. I’d tell the girlfriend so you’re not the only one to live with the secret but only if you know 100% she won’t ever tell anyone.
You are putting that thing where you eat? Fucking gross. Hope your guests know.
You do know why you wife calls it a “Kong” toy, don’t you?
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