I’ve been with my gf for 3 years now and since the beginning she knew I smoked somewhat regularly weed. I’ve had long breaks of not smoking but I never knew how to talk with her about how much I do it and when, specially cause I know she isn’t the biggest fan about it but tries to be comprehensive. At the beginning, we decided that I could do it whenever I liked but just make sure to tell her (we don’t live together and likes to be aware of what im up to), but since the beginning of this year I’ve been in a depresive episode in which I started smoking more and without caring when or for what, staying up late just to smoke or going on walks or runs just to do it, even when we had plans and faked I wasn’t high. Thats when I stopped telling her, because I knew she would be worried and wouldn’t aprove of my excessive usage, so it’s been a snowball of lies from there on.
I would do it all the time and not tell anybody knowing im not in a good mental place, but acting as if nothing was wrong. I took really good precautions so no one would find out (using eye drops, always having water and gum for my breath, disinfectant for my hands, keeping all my stuff in sealed packages so I never smelled) and it worked out pretty well, but with time I started being careless and even my brother found out.
But yesterday finally all the thruth came to light. She found a post I did in r/weed about all the stuff I’ve bought recently and lied to her face saying it was all old stuff (she believed I haven’t done it in a couple of months and going out and running was me taking care of my health). She said she believed me and was just scared I was hiding things from her đ but I kept lying and saying everything was okay. Later that night we where going to meet up and I don’t know why but I smoked before hand and obviously she noticed when she kissed me. At that moment she joined all the dots and confronted me about all the lies I’ve told her this year, saying I broke her trust and that she doesn’t know how we can continue after this.
I don’t know why I did what I did, I know im a shitty partner that is afraid of confronting the thruth and now I fucked up the best, caring and loving relationship I’ve ever had. I know I can’t ask her to give me another chance if her trust is broken, specially if I don’t start to take responsibility of my actions and solve the problem from its roots. Going to therapy or rehab isn’t enought, but I just don’t want to accept that everything is over.
TL;DR: I lied to my gf about how much i’ve been smoking weed, she found out and now I don’t now what to do, I broke her trust and we might broke up
Comments
You basically turned into the James Bond of weed â disguises, gadgets, covert ops, night-time missions.
Go apologize! And maybe let MI6 handle it next time.
Damn….I’m going to need to smoke before I can unwrap this
Hey that’s a tough spot you’re in! I hope you can see how it’s an addiction and it destroys more than it solves. I wish you the best.
Good on you for writing this all out and being honest with yourself at least.
If you do break up, I’d encourage not using weed to cope. Let it be a lesson that it’s time to make some changes
As someone that has also used weed to deal with depression a whole lot…it doesn’t work like that. You’re just putting off dealing with the core of the issue.Â
Best of luck man, hope it works out.
You are the type of guy who is going to smoke habitually every day. Â You need a girl who can handle that and if you choose on your own to quit she will support you not nag you to death about it every time. Â Trust me that life is pure hell. Â Donât do that to yourself. Â
Despite your best efforts, people definitely smelled the weed on you. Source: me, smoking for 20+ years
Weed is my true love, my wife would never come between us.
If you’re having to go to great lengths to hide your weed usage you have a problem, I wouldn’t be hiding things from my partner because that way lies hell
She definitely knew way before now. This is so disrespectful and I hope if she does decide to forgive you, that you’ve learnt a lesson here.
Not nearly as severe but I did the same thing to my current girlfriend toward the beginning of our relationship. She isn’t super comfortable with heavy use but will allow me to if I want to. For about a month I thought I was really slick (hitting my pen while she was In the bathroom and blowing it out the window) and she had no idea. When I finally felt guilty enough to come clean she hit me with “obviously I knew, you tasted like a dispensary when we kissed, I just wanted to see if you’d come clean on your own and you did.” I am the luckiest man alive that she decides to forgive me for that and have been nothing but open and honest with her about my usage since. Eventually I had to stop completely for a new job but if I’m honest it was always a touchy subject after that, not because of the weed but because I went behind her back at first. My genuine advice, if you want to keep smoking you have to break up, and if you want to keep her you have to stop smoking. Because of the dishonesty, she’s just never going to trust you about this topic again even if she agrees to try.
I’m not going to vote on whether you are or aren’t instead, I’m going to offer some advice. You said you are having some personal issues, maybe she could have helped you with them if she was not one of them. You betrayed her trust, that is on you and you knew what you were doing so, I wonder if you really feel like she is that important to you in reality. The worst part is that you knew what you were doing and continued doing it anyway. If I was her, you would be my ex by now but, on the off chance that she really loves you and can work her way back around to trusting you, you better let this be a lesson and not fuck it up again.
Confess and ask for forgiveness, tell her how much she means to you. Communicate with her, if she takes you back, bad times and good times, you can’t cut her out like that. If it is over, be the man, admit you fucked up and try to be better in the future.
Trust is easily lost, and not so easily gained afterwards. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Also, stop fuckin lying to your significant other; no good comes of this.
Hey man, long story short, Iâm a recovered alcoholic and I dated a guy for 3 yearsâ he was a weed addict and I never touched the stuff. We got on well together because we used together. When I started getting sober, our lifestyles didnt align anymore, and the downfall to our relationship began. (I signed a lease with him on the condition that he went to rehabâhe said he wanted to be sober tooâthen he spent his virtual rehab appointments with his camera off, vaping weed.) Needless to say when I found out about that, I ended the relationship. They say the best apology is changed behavior, but Iâm not sure what to tell you about broken trust like that.
Iâm sorry youâve been in a depressive episode. I hope you find comfort and relief from that. Iâm curious what you mean about âgoing to therapy isnât enough.â It sounds like your increased smoking is a result of this depression youâve been feeling. Rather than self-medicate, therapy to address this feeling youâre having could be helpful (it certainly helped me get soberâ realizing how I used alcohol to hide from feelings I didnt want to have).
Generally speaking, when your relationship with drugs impacts your relationship with yourself (your coping abilities and managing your feelings) and impacts your relationships, itâs usually sign its time for a change. Whether you choose therapy to manage your emotions, or rehab to manage your sobriety, well⌠I think a first good step is to decide what you want. Some people have had success with moderation, rather than full-on abstinence, after attending therapy and the nature of their drug use.
As a former addict, and as a girlfriend who had her trust destroyed by a long-term, weed-smoking partner: look inwards on yourself. If you dont want to quit, and thatâs a dealbreaker in your relationship, donât waste each otherâs timeâ find someone who will share your lifestyle. If you do want to quit, take steps to quit. But you have to do it for yourself. My ex said he wanted to get sober for me and then resented me for âforcing him to get soberâ (i was supporting what he said were his goals).
TDLR; Regardless of what happens next in your story, you have to feel like you made the right decision in working towards achieving the life you want: with or without weed; with or without her.
This reads like youâre hoping she finds this so she can be moved to give you another chance, which you will then 100% flub by continuing to smoke weed.
Had an ex who didnât like that I smoked weed. We broke up for different reasons later. A couple years later I saw her at the smoke shop getting green lol.
If you want to smoke weed, smoke weed and stop dating someone who doesnât want you to smoke weed. Â You two are not compatible, end of story.
My friend, this is addict behaviour. Please let this be your wake up call.
As soon as you felt the need to lie in order to continue your addiction, that’s when it became a problem and a sign that you need to seek help dealing with it.
If you want to attempt to salvage this relationship, admit to her that you are addicted and get professional help dealing with it. Don’t expect her to be running back in your arms immediately, if ever.
Good luck.
sounds like it’s time to quit smoking. though I’ve never been a drug abuser of any sort so I don’t have a clue on how tough it will be.
You put inhaling a burning, chemical-filled plant in front of a real human’s trust and emotions. You let her know what’s more important to you.
You get what you have earned here.
Edit to add: keep downvoting this. It’s the truth whether you like it or not.
r/leaves
Does she drink?
We all have a vice, weed is a much better choice than alcohol
The amount of hypocrisy i see in people that drink astounds me
I smoke, often, i have crohnes….I could take biological medication, or smoke weed….what would you do?
Weed isn’t bad, far from it. Its been mislabeled as bad because it doesn’t support businesses like alcohol.
No one goes to get high then starts fist fighting……
You might be better off finding a partner that shares your interests instead.
Find someone to date that is comfortable with your weed usage.
Way better to say âno, Iâm not going to tell you every time I smokeâ than to say you will and lie.
I can empathise with feeling like you need to hide that from everyone and holding onto a lot of guilt/shame when youâre not being upfront with people that care about you. It can be very overwhelming to have everything blow up in the way you described, when your usual coping mechanism for difficult times is to smoke and numb yourself to everything going on.Â
If you think it might be the right time for you to take a break (whether its short term to reevaluate your moderation, or a longer one to reassess your relationship with weed) – the community over at r/petioles are a welcoming group. You might find some people that can share some of the burden, especially if your partnerâs values make it difficult to discuss that kinda thing openly together.
I hope over time you can rebuild the trust in your relationship, if thatâs your goal. It can feel really overwhelming to begin making decisions that will help to work your way out of depression and misuse. I hope you can begin to get yourself to a better place.Â
Its your life man. Don’t be with someone if you have to lie about what you enjoy…
Your relationship is over.
damn almost exactly this scenario happened to me about one year ago.
Fucked me up so bad it made me stop smoking weed completely.
now about 2 months shy of being one year sober, feeling better than ever.
Let this be a wakeup call man.
you dont realize how awesome life is without weed if
youre not sober for an extended amount of time.
keep your head up man, work on yourself and life will reward you.
Why would you lie about it or hide it? If you’re ashamed of it, don’t do it. If you’re not ashamed, be honest about it.
I’m not finding any sympathy for you here. You’re dishonest and you deserve to get broken up with.
This is the moment you find out if you are an addict or heavy recreational user. When an addict starts to have repercussions from substance use, they can’t stop and spiral until they hit rock bottom or die. Heavy recreational users will stop and fix the issue they were trying to medicate. But you have to understand there is an underlying issue you are medicating, and it needs to be worked on.
The only person that can make yourself happy is you. Work on getting to that place and everything else will fall into place.
Wow, I’ve been smoking weed for over a decade now. I’ve had partners that have been a bit controlling about it and I’ve had partners that don’t mind at all. I think honesty is best. Getting caught up in silly lies about this is going to make her think she can’t trust you about other things.
I try not to let my weed consumption control my day to day life. It’s something I do to relax with a video and a meal or before doing some chores. If my schedule doesn’t allow me, that is okay and I get to it later. I have busy days where I dont even think to smoke. I also grow my own cannabis and pretty much have an unlimited supply as far as I’m concerned.
Weed does not help depression, it makes it worse. If you truly want a long term relationship with your GF, it’s time to give it up.
there is a difference between caring and controlling. if you had to tell her when you were smoking, even when you were apart, is a bit of a worry. Lying in a relationship is bad too, so i understand you are in a predicament. Time to take a few steps back and access where you are at. Partners that try to change you are a bit scary, but if it comes from a place of love than it is acceptable, just make sure its coming from the right place and not just a cover for her trying to control you. it might be the weed now, but in a year or two it might be something else. making you feel shit about yourself is also a red flag. Be careful. If you are in such a loving relationship, why are you depressed? if work or life is shit, having someone to share all that with should help. Find the core reason why you are unhappy and try to make changes to address it. just smoking weed alone wont make you depressed, but being made to feel guilty about it probably will.
Being honest is always the best way to maintain a healthy relationship. You may have lied up to now, but if you value your relationship more than the week you should come clean and stay clean. Tell her about your struggles and promise to cut back until youâre in a better mental state
How does she not notice when youâre high? My wife can see if Iâm high by looking at my eyes in one second. Impossible to hide it
As someone who smokes like you do, the fact that my gf also does is a huge plus in my books. She’s never gonna judge me for it.
Gotta find you a proper stoner chick.
BS;NGR
Boring story; Not gonna read
Limit yourself to 10g a month
Only advice I can give as someone that used to smoke weed every day and hid it from various partners…. stop smoking weed every day.
You wouldn’t drink alcohol and get shit faced every day as you wouldn’t want it be an alcoholic. Its no different with weed man.
If you can get to a happy medium where smoking weed is more of a “treat” like going to the pub or a night out on the town, then you can gain control over your usage and by proxy you emotions/depression.
It will be tough, there will be lots of sleepless nights, lots of sweating and lots of mood swings. But after a month or so it all starts to subside and you can then really start to work on yourself with a clear head.
I smoked it pretty much every day for over a decade (started at 16). When thing with my now wife started getting serious and we started spending more time together I made a conscious decision to cut down and eventually stop. I smoked it occasionally with her for the first few years but for the last 5 years I have hardly touched it and when I do I only have a few tokes of a friends if they have it.
The last 7 years have been amazing and I have realized that those 10 years plus of being a stoner had really stunted my dreams and aspirations.
Addiction is why you did that. Once you start doing it in secret it is a problem. You knew it was and thatâs why you lied. You wanted to avoid the tough conversation of you quitting because you have an addiction. Anyone that says weed cannot become an addiction is lying. It can and often is. I used to smoke everyday all day. It absolutely is an addiction for you. You need help. You need to get to the root of whatâs causing you to smoke so much to the point of hiding it. Once it starts to interfere with your life itâs no longer a good thing.
First thing I checked with my now wife was this.
Was annoyed about girls having problems with the fact I like to smoke. At 29 years I didn’t had time to waste and break up because of that. I knew, I didn’t wanted to quit!
Was very funny, because when I asked her, she admitted that she was afraid of me being against it. She was a smoker, too. JACKPOT!
So now we are 15 years together, 2 Kids, regular smokers and our life is beautiful
As someone who smokes and has used it to cope unhealthily, it never fixes anything. It just kicks the can down the road and lets you stop thinking about it for a bit. But when you sober up the problem is still there, sometimes even worse for being put off. Not saying you can’t come back when you’re in a better place but it may be time for a break my man.
I know itâs a narc thing to say but weed is not healthy or good for you. Itâs wholly addictive and the role it plays on mental health is not a beneficial one. Weed usage even hurts you socially. Itâs just not cool.
Where are yâall finding these people that you feel the need to hide smoking pot from? If youâre ever hiding literally anything from someone youâre romantically attracted to and pursuing a future with, THEY ARE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU
Trust, honesty, and communication, at least to me, are the three most important tenets of love and relationships. If you canât be honest with each other, you have nothing. Think about it. Act accordingly
How old are you?
Obviously lying isn’t good and drug use that even you identify as excessive isn’t good, but it sounds like it didn’t help that you were expected to “check in” with your actions to a person who made it clear they disapproved of certain actions. Of course you’re not going to self report all those times. It’s got controlling vibes and could have itself contributed to the depression you then very badly tried to treat with totally the wrong medicine.
It wouldn’t have worked anyways. It’s better that it is over. You don’t want to live your life that way and you shouldn’t have to hide anything from your partner.