My husband (28M) and I (31M) recently started the journey toward parenthood. He’s always dreamed of starting a family and has always ached over the hoops we have to jump through to do so, so this journey so far has been a high stake emotional rollercoaster for him. I on the other hand would be just as fulfilled within our relationship without kids in the picture. Parenthood just isn’t something I’ve ever aspired to though I’m not opposed to it. So you can kind of see how we’re on different pages in this regard and how this whole journey has meant much more to him.
Anyway, we were in bed last night and he was tearing up next to me just feeling utterly defeated because of earlier events that had taken the wind out of his sails (we ultimately got rejected by a prospective surrogate after a weeks-long back and forth with her and the agency.) Being less emotionally invested in this journey as he is I guess I was having a hard time empathizing with him. I mean in my mind I was just thinking what’s the big deal? We can always pick out another one. I should mention that with the stress of it all our sex life has really cooled off, so the pent-up horniness definitely contributed to the contrast between our emotional states in that moment–he was melancholic and yearning, I was indifferent and rather vaguely horny–and explained what I did next: I climbed on top of him and said something to the effect that if he wants a baby so badly we could just keep trying the ‘old fashioned way’. I honestly don’t know why I thought that was a good idea, I guess I was blinded by the horniness and thought it was a hot thing to say. Which to be fair it might have been, given better timing.
Needless to say I did not get laid and he sent me off to spend the rest of the night in the guest bedroom.
TLDR: Hit on my struggling husband with an insensitive line.
Comments
Props to you for changing ‘for better or for worse’ to ‘for better or for ER
It was a good line.
Buddy will get over it.
Women usually can’t empathize with their men. Sounds on brand
If you don’t want to have children then please do not have children. They are people. That need to be loved and cherished and take up all of your time and energy for years.
You know when the baby is there you actually have to be a parent, right? You can’t just be indifferent, not emotionally invested and all “what’s the big deal” about it. Why are you trying to have a baby with him when you clearly aren’t interested? His feelings now will only amplify once you have a child together and he realizes he is a single parent. Trust me, you won’t be getting laid any more often once a newborn is in the house. Nothing is hot when you’re overtired, touched out and covered in baby vomit.
As a recent gay dad, I highly encourage you to think deeply and truly about having a child. My husband and I are both truly grateful and happy to be parents and would do anything for our daughter. You gotta be committed to being a parent and not “well if it happens then it happens”. The harder part is after the baby is born. You are going to need each other and be supportive of each other as much as possible. Having a baby is a life altering moment. Think it over seriously. You will not be the same person after your baby is born for better or worse (I’d like to think it’s for the better). If you’re having issues feeling empathy and sympathy now wait till you’re sleep deprived from middle of the night feedings. You’re going to be responsible for helping keep another living being alive and helping it grow and learn. Either you’re all in or you’re going to be out.
Also: sexy time is a luxury after having a baby.
As a 42 year old uncle with no kids, the desire for kids is real. My partner is a social worker, she does lots of work in foster care. I would love to adopt as well. We just need to meet requirements, and one is having room for them. We have no extra rooms. We could look to rent something with more rooms, but they would be vacant for a year before getting filled, maybe, and outlandishly expensive.
Leave this man.
You have fundamental differences in life goals and one of you needs to realize it.
that’s the most hilariously unfortunate timing I’ve heard of. Better luck next time
Yeah. You two need some couples therapy. Sending a partner to another room is not normal
A man who passionately wants kids and a man who is thoroughly indifferent to parenthood do not seem well-matched.
Thats enough TIFU for the day.
Oof, you shot your shot… straight into the emotional void. 😬 Timing really is everything.
If this is even real… the line doesn’t even make sense for a gay couple, unless maybe one of you is trans?
A lot of people are coming after you about being indifferent to parenthood but I was the same way. My wife wanted it more and, while I was open to the idea, I wasn’t going to be crushed if it didn’t happen. We do have a daughter now, and she is absolutely well-loved and I couldn’t live without her. I don’t think being honest about not being sure you want kids should preclude you from having kids so ignore everyone telling you to leave your husband and all this other crap. Not everyone who is a great parent was born to be a great parent.