TIFU by nearly choking

TW: mention of PTSD/traumatic past traumatic experiences and medical misconduct.

So not technically today, last Thursday to be precise, I made a serious error. Please bear with me as I do not post on here often and haven’t used this subreddit before. English is not my mother tongue either.

So I (19nb) recently started a new job as an allround employee in a restaurant. The restaurant location was new so all my colleagues also started recently which made me feel comfortable as I deal with (social) anxieties. On my first real workday met my first colleague (21f), let’s call her Sam. She was honestly kind of annoying because she said she’d worked in hospitality before but refused to help out with washing dishes or cleaning pretty much anything else. Aside from that she was pretty nice.

However, our second shift together was a totally different vibe. It was a Friday and we’d done a soft launch the previous week, but the restaurant was was packed and we were severely understaffed (us being the only two servers and bartenders on the floor). But we tried to keep each other motivated by complimenting each others work and joking around when time allowed it. We somewhat finished our shift at 11 PM, but I missed my train. She lives in the area and offered to keep me company while I waited and what I expected to be an awkward conversation turned into a wonderful one. We agreed to meet up the following week as our shifts didn’t lign up for the following two weeks. We hugged one another goodbye and I went on my way. I don’t have a lot of connections, so this made me very happy.

We started texting as soon as I got home and barely ever stopped for the next week. The conversations were fun, but also turned a bit flirty at times (I am autistic and usually can’t really tell/am afraid to assume stuff so this was later confirmed by my sister and her boyfriend). It felt amazing and I was on Cloud 9.

Now, it is important to note that I have a kind of distorted attachment style that makes me hyperfixate on a person when I meet them and they give me the slightest bit of attention. My whole life starts revolving around them and their needs. I do not want to self diagnose, but I am getting tested for Borderline Personality Disorder in a few months. But as you can probably imagine, this kind of attention creeped up on me even more. Sam is incredibly beautiful and her personality is even more wonderful.

We decided to meet up on Thursday and maybe Wednesday, but this last one got cut short because of a miscommunication where I accentally accepted someone else’s shift. We managed to go on a stroll together regardless and it felt very intimate.

The next day, Thursday, we were going to go out for lunch. I brought my dog along so she could meet her and Sam loved her. We ordered food; I went for a slab of sourdough loaded with toppings. The conversation didn’t go too smoothly. I felt like I couldn’t really find the words I wanted to say on multiple occasions. While she was talking, I cut off a regular piece of my open sandwich and put it in my mouth. As some of you might know, sourdough is quite tough, especially the crust. So when I swallowed, it got stuck in my throat. I panicked and ducked under the table, trying to get the piece of bread out. My first attempt was unsuccessful. I took a sip of water and tried again. It had been about 45 seconds without air at this point so I was properly panicking. I tried again and got it out. I moved back to my regular position and saw a horrified Sam staring back at me. I felt embarrassed and gross and asked her if she could get me some tissues.

Whilst she was gone what really just happened sunk in. You see, a few years ago I’d been hospitalised in a psychiatric ward and also almost choked on something because they wouldn’t allow me to have a birthday cupcake someone baked for me because it wasn’t on my meal plan. That place itself has been the source of my PTSD; the (emotional ) abuse, the manipulation, the lack of sleep—I still carry all that with me. The choking I just experienced brought me right back and I ended up having an attack in the bathroom that I could luckily somewhat manage because of my service dog (Sam didn’t know she was one).

When I came back, the whole atmosphere had changed. Sam assured me that all was well, but I felt like I had ruined the whole day. I also made the mistake of saying I’d pay for her food as well “as an apology”, even though I was already planning on doing so before we even met up that day.
After leaving the restaurant we went on a 30 minute walk that was a bit awkward and though we hugged when saying goodbye, it just didn’t feel the same. She had promised to send me some texts during her shift, but only got back to me over 7 hours later.
I tried to justify that by telling myself that it had just been busy at work, but the frequency of texts have plummeted since then and the vocabulary has changed as well. I felt completely defeated the following days and it was only then that I realised how dependent I had become on her attention and approval.

Others who I’ve told the story to are pushing me to give it another go and I kind of tried to rekindle the flame through text, but I don’t think it’s healthy for me. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore or ice her out at work as I usually do (which is a bad habit, I know), but I really don’t know what to do next. Any advice would be most appreciated!

TL;DR: I f’ed up by nearly choking on my lunch when meeting up with a colleague who had been flirting with me.