My wife (41F) and I (44M) have been married for 12 years this year. We have a daughter who is turning 5 soon. TIFU (completely) by screwing up every available chance to get her something for mother’s day and it’s bad.
Before I start, some backstory: I have always tried my best to contribute to our relationship and family by doing all the things a good family man does: I cook dinner every night, I do all the laundry, I help clean up, I help with the dishes, I fix stuff around the house, I just did 75% of the work in repainting our master BR, etc. But I am completely inept when it comes to planning things. My wife has always been the planner, and I (unfortunately) have always been comfortable with sitting back and letting her plan things because she always does. She is more of the “showing love through thoughtful gifts and special gestures” type person and I’m more of the “showing love through the things you do for her and family every day” kind of person.
Whenever we are coming up on some kind of day where traditionally I would do something for her, I often forget about it until right before that day, try to do something, panic, and then do the most basic thing or a couple of times, nothing at all. Today was one of those days where I managed to do nothing. She told me she didn’t want a card, and I was supposed to go out with my daughter and get some kind of a nice potted flower for her but other things were going on so I didn’t get a chance to do that and as a result, didn’t get any flowers.
I knew I messed up but everything seemed mostly OK and I had planned to stop after work tomorrow and get her some nice flowers. We met up with her family this evening for ice cream and they were going to take our daughter for a bit so we could go get some dinner (no, I did not make dinner reservations either). She told me where she wanted to go, but when we got there it was super busy. I said it looked too busy to go there and she just blew up. She was super pissed that I couldn’t even make dinner reservations and didn’t even get flowers, talked about all the great stuff she saw on facebook that other husbands had done, told me repeatedly how mad she was and that she “hated” me, even threw out the D word. We ended up going to a different place but shouldn’t have even bothered, it was just more berating from her and I didn’t even want to eat after all that. Took the food to go, picked up our daughter and went home. She told me she wanted some space, so she is sleeping upstairs tonight and won’t even talk to me and I just feel like shit.
Help me reddit, how do I fix this? I can’t just do something in the next couple days because that will probably just be worse. I’m hoping maybe this coming weekend I can take her out to dinner at a nice place but otherwise I’m at a loss of what to do here. I should note I did not forget valentine’s day but she did have to remind me to order this one cake she particularly likes (again, I just always forget about these things)
TL;DR I didn’t do anything for my wife for mother’s day and she is fucking pissed.
Comments
Look, idk if you can fix this. It sounds like she is really invested in the appearance side of this- she has nothing to share on socials and has to tell her peers you did nothing. Maybe a nice piece of jewelry? Idk the woman I married is p much the opposite of this but I do know what she wants and needs and I show up for her in those ways. Either figure out what’s important to her and make it happen in the future or be prepared to struggle to make this relationship last.
Tell her you know you fucked up. Listen to her and don’t make excuses. Do all the nice things next weekend to make it up to her.
You sound like a nice guy. In some ways, it’s a sign of a healthy relationship that she was comfortable telling you what was wrong. Also, social media make the expectations for these things worse.
Good luck!
We all have calendars on our phones and can setup reminders that become alarms.
If you know your shortcomings why are you not leaning into advanced planning and being dedicated to doing these things.
Going to get the potted plant should have been Friday or Saturday at the latest.
She has every right to be pissed.
I have a feeling her Christmas stocking is empty as well.
I would go out immediately, bring the daughter if you need to/can and have her pick out flowers and then you get her some flowers and chocolates, write out a letter or card telling how much she means to you, all the things that she’s done that makes her an amazing wife and mother of your child, apologize for dropping the ball and say you’d like to do whatever you can to make the rest of the day better (idk your timezone) show her how special she is to you, heck eat her out even.
Dude, it’s been twelve fucking years. If you cared, you would’ve made sure you remembered. You would’ve set reminders in your phone. You would’ve set reminders in your computer. You would’ve actually done the extremely minor shit you asked her to do.
Blowing it off by saying “I always forget” is just insulting. You’re literally telling her that she’s not important to you and she’s over it.
This last moment of ineptitude is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. And I can’t say I blame her.
Listen man, you can’t fix this one. But you can fix the future ones.
Set an autoshipment for chocolates/stuffed animals/bath salts every year on Mother’s Day. Even if you want to switch up the gifts when next year rolls around, the auto shipment notification will remind you.
Or some websites even let you order gift baskets and flowers a year in advance.
Go ahead and pre-buy the gifts for next year.
And maybe some flowers a week or so from now will help smoothe things over
Make a reservation at the place she wanted to go to today for next weekend. Buy single flowers every day this week. Put each in a vase. Then on Saturday, buy 2 dozen roses – one dozen won’t do it. Find someone to take your daughter overnight. Make a reservation at the fanciest hotel in town. Get the room with the in room jacuzzi. Draw her a bath. Let her soak. It’s her time, not couple time. Give her a massage. Tell her you love her and you’re an ass for not doing anything this weekend. For the next 7 days, you need to speak her love language, not yours. Go home Sunday. Let her relax. Make the next 7 days all about her.
Throughout your entire post, you’re making yourself out to be the victim. You know this is important to your wife, but you can’t be bothered to give a single shit. You don’t have to be a planner to get a card, some flowers, and make a dinner reservation. Get your shit together or you will lose your wife. You need to do something big like taking her on a vacation, expensive jewelry, etc. Show her that she actually matters to you.
Gaslight. When she wakes up angry as fuck just point to a giant bouquet and say “what do you mean love the flowers I got you are right there?”
You mentioned you have different love languages. Who cares how YOU show love. Show her in HER language.
My husband’s love language is spending time and mine is acts of service. You’d best bet I make time for him when I celebrate him and he does things for me to celebrate me.
You sound like a good guy who wants to please his wife. Do it…. In her language.
Hey boss. There is this cool thing called a calendar. You can get them on paper or even on these electronic devices called phones, which, (and I swear, you’ll never believe me. But stay with me!) These phones? Small enough to fit in your pocket. I’m not joking.
Anyway, these miracles of modern technology can actually be customized and programed to remind you of events you put into the calendar. You can even set up multiple reminders! Those reminders can be for things like holidays that happen the same fucking month every year AND reminders to do things like…make a fucking reservation, getting a fucking gift, and (I’m about to make your head spin here!) SEARCH FOR GIFTS AND RESTAURANTS TO RESERVE!
You can even order and reserve said things directly from this phone while your shitting on the toilet!
It sounds too easy, I know. But that’s because, for most people above the age of 10, it really is that easy!.
So, if you still have a significant other to think of in the future, you should totally look into these calendar things, and the phone. Definitely the phone. A real game changer 🙂
Dude.
I’m not even going to dignify this with actual advice. Grow up. Learn how to do the bare minimum when it comes to making your wife feel special for 5 total hours.
Losing.
You’re getting divorced my guy. You consistently show her that you don’t care.
I hate these Hallmark holidays and don’t subscribe to them. One day out of the year is not proof of love and appreciation
It is not a wife day, call your mother.
I hear you when you say you have different love languages, but here’s the thing…
Dude.
This isn’t an easy fix. Is there a close opportunity to fix it such as her birthday, your anniversary? I’m not your wife (but I am A wife) and this situation would make me feel unappreciated and like an afterthought, AKA not a priority in your life. Me personally, I don’t expect things or gifts through the year, so an occasion where it’s the norm to celebrate and allow myself to feel appreciated/expect a little treat is a bigger deal to me than it might be to you. If my husband did this and got me flowers tonight, that would NOT fix it.
Give her some space to cool off, and maybe write a letter. If she does better in conversation, your letter can be your outline for a plan to fix this.
In this letter, explain
I’m pretty sure I’m some type of neurodivergent and time frequently escapes me. I can also be quite forgetful, however we CAN do better and do things in advance. It’s possible!!
Here are some actual steps you can take
Wishing you the best. You sound like a nice guy who wants to make an effort, which is the first step, but now it’s time to follow through on it!
Nope no advice that anyone can possibly give you if you’re so thoughtless and inept that you can’t plan ONE thing for the mother of your child. Does this also mean you did nothing for your own mom, if she is still living? You would have to live like a monk to avoid any reminders of the impending Mother’s Day holiday. Which means you saw reminders many, many times including specific wants from your own wife and made the conscious choice to do jack shit. And all the stuff about making dinner, doing dishes etc? That’s not special it’s just the norm of splitting responsibilities in any partnership.
I do not understand why you can’t put a reminder in your phone calendar for a week in advance of her birthday/Mother’s day/whatever and then when that alarm goes off, you make a dinner reservation. It is not rocket surgery, my dude.
It needs to be pointed out to that you are modelling the behaviours your daughter will normalise growing up. Would you find it acceptable years from now to hear her spouse did NOTHING for her mother’s day. Would you be pissed? You have to fix this for your wife but also for your daughter and it needs to stay fixed.
All the things you listed that you do are just adult things that you’d have to do whether or not you’re married. It is great that you pull your own weight in your own household, but that does not make up for you failing to do something special. What you’re saying is she goes out of her way to make you feel loved and you do all the things that you would have to do anyway and she should feel loved from that.
If she took over cooking and laundry for father’s day, would you consider that a gift? Would you feel special? Doing basic household chores is not special because it’s for everyone in the house.
In the age of two-day shipping and a calendar/alarm you carry in your pocket every day of your life, it is absurd that you cannot set some kind of reminder. Mother’s day comes every year and you have said in your post that you fuck up almost every special day. My dude, have you not been into a store the last several weeks? Do you not see ads for it every time you log onto Reddit or Facebook or Amazon? At this point you could probably pick any generic item and have it shipped and let her open it straight from the box and you’d be doing better than you have been.
Honestly, shit happens. Not everyone is good at this stuff, but you’ve clearly been asked over and over again to just fucking try and you have refused to put any effort it. She is hurt because you are disregarding her feelings and expect her to just get over it so you don’t have to feel bad about it.
>Help me reddit
You can try growing the fuck up. It’s good you feel like shit because you should. Even my worst boyfriend treated me better than you treat her.
Getting to the restaurant she wanted to go to and then you being all, “Whelp, looks too busy. We should leave.” would have absolutely sent me over the edge.
It does not matter how busy the place was, my dude. You fucked up the whole day. You get your ass in that restaurant and you tip the hostess $100 to “put you on the wait-list.”
How are you this incompetent? How are you this incompetent and still married?
Nobody cares that you got berated so badly that you didn’t want to eat. This is not about you. This is about her. If she wanted to eat you should have sat there with a smile on your face, taken your beating, and let her eat. Thanks to your self-centeredness, she gets cold takeout from a restaurant she didn’t even want to go to on Mother’s Day.
You’re getting divorced.
JFC Mother’s Day is a day full of unhealthy expectations and disappointment.
I’m a mom and I have two kids (3rd coming soon). Most days I feel loved and appreciated and it’s because I have a husband who contributes to our family. We recognize each others efforts and try to express this daily/often.
https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/05/the-inventor-of-mothers-day-disowned-the-holiday-and-so-should-we-all/275763/
Do you know what your wife’s love language is? If not, that’s a good exercise for you guys as a couple. Shower her with love and appreciation (using her love language) as often as you can. This BS holiday is not the only day a mom should feel adored.
Calm down, apologise, and communicate about the differences in your love languages and try to do a few small things for the big saus of the year.
This might seem like blasphemy to commenters here, but I forget my fiance’s birthday for about 50% of every year, but I always know it’s in March, and check a few times throughout the year to make sure I get it right. She knows I suck at dates, and when she plans things she reminds me. I don’t always know why or where we’re going, but I place a plan in my mind for that date and put her name at the top of it. Whatever it is, I’m with her.
I’m not good at doing big pre-planned events either, but you make a bit of extra special effort when it matters to the people you love. I know you might feel like your mind is broken when you just don’t think of the things that are important to your partner, but you’re not alone. It’s all about working with that knowledge to make a bit of space for the days that matter. Mother’s day matters to her, so just remember that mother’s day is always in may. Then when April comes, check the dates. Reserve dinner somewhere, or plan to make your own for her. Remind yourself a few times. And most importantly, tell HER that you have something planned. Her excitement will keep you reminded.
Ya you’re a jerk. And I can tell by the way you frame household activities. You say you “help” with dishes “help” around the house. Your inferring that it’s her responsibility and you help her out of the goodness of your heart. Not that it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself and your household. With language like that I highly doubt you’re pulling your weight in this marriage. And on her special day you can’t even remember to do the bare fucking minimum of making a 1 minute call to place a reservation??! Let alone get her anything to show that all her hardwork raising your kid is appreciated. Booo
Wow. Man does so much work around the house. Is known to not be a good planner. Wife compares it to facebook posts, even throws around the D word!
And such harsh comments all shitting on him!
Imagine the comments if there was a similar post (there won’t be but still) with genders swapped.
Did anyone ask OP what the wife does for him on father’s day?
The best you can do is get her a side boyfriend who treats her right. Second best: divorce and try marrying someone with ZERO standards.
You have a ton of options to problem solve your marriage. You choose every single day to neglect your marriage. These are the consequences of your actions.
My ex never gave a shit about my birthday or Mother’s Day either. You could easily care but you don’t and that’s the reality of it. And she knows she’s not a priority because you have shown her that. For more than a decade. Every asshole on the planet has seen the ads and signs and you couldn’t be bothered to take ten minutes to get your wife and the mother of your child something? Get real.
If this is a recurring issue, you have a problem. She’s telling you that you not planning makes her feel unappreciated. Fix it.
Well for one, if you’re tossing around terms like “love languages” you’d think you’d be savvy to the fact that you need to love people in their love language not yours. You’re not even weaponizing incompetence, you literally just don’t care.
And you’ve shown her consistently that you don’t give a shit about her love language for 12 plus years. (I’m assuming you dated for awhile before marriage.)
I’m guessing there’s a lot more going on than you just fucking up her birthdays and special occasions if she’s talking about divorce.
If she’s open to it, look into marital counseling. And for gods sake, start making notes on your phone calender or something.
If you wanted to, you would. Simple as that. And she knows it .
So…. does your phone not have a calendar? An alarm?
Do you not own a phone with a web browser where you can order something?
There really isn’t an excuse for being this bad for so many years.
You have made it a point in your brain that anything celebrating your wife is unimportant and doesn’t deserve the time taken to plan or purchase anything for her.
It really isn’t difficult to purchase items in advance.
It isn’t difficult to make dinner reservations in some restaurants a year in advance even.
Idk, try therapy, I guess, to see why your wife isn’t significant enough to you to celebrate her.
Anything you do now is damage control. And ridiculous that all of a sudden, you have to plan something.
You need to re-frame how you see your contributions to your family.
You cook every dinner every night? Ok. Great. But it’s not selfless because I bet you also eat dinner every night. But who makes breakfast? Lunch boxes for the kid? Plans meals? Grocery shops? So it’s a team effort. Let’s call that a draw.
You do all the laundry all the time? Awesome. I mean, I bet you also wear half to one third of the clothes. Who folds them and puts them away? Who buys them? Who picks out weather and event appropriate outfits for your kid? So, team effort again. We’ll call that a draw too. But that’s okay!!! Sharing the work load is great!!!!
You help clean up. The home. That you also live in. So some of that mess is yours and/or your child’s. The child you both created. Ok. And you said help, so… that sounds like another shared task. And then you mentioned helping with the dishes. The dishes you probably also used. Sweet. Another shared task ok. I’m seeing a pattern emerge….
You fix stuff around the house sometimes. Regular maintenance. In the house you live in… and you did 75% of the painting of the master bedroom…. But, who noticed it needed to be painted? Who picked the color? Who did the prep work? Who found the weekend to do it?
So listen friend, it sounds to me like you are doing the bare minimum to maintain your half of this relationship. 50/50 is great, if it’s actually 50/50. But uh… you admittedly dropped the ball on a really big thing. And not just once. You had multiple opportunities every day for weeks leading up to this and your wife’s happiness was simply not a priority for you. That’s a choice you made. Every time you thought, “I’ll do it later” or “that can wait” was you choosing to put something else before your wife. So, that doesn’t sound to me like you’re upholding your 50/50 end of the deal at that point. And it also sounds to me like you’re looking for a quick fix for this mistake.
My friend, there is no quick fix for this. The only fix is for you to fix the way you’re been relying on your wife for all the mental labor. (Please spend some time googling that if you don’t know what it is.) And even then, it might be too late. But the biggest thing I want you to consider is that your daughter is growing up and seeing all of this. And it’s subconscious sitting in her head. The way you treat your wife is the way your daughter will expect and accept to be treated by her future partners.
The only fix here is to fix yourself, the way you view your role in your household and your family, the way you prioritize your wife and view her contributions, and to make a permanent and real change both internally and externally. Good luck.
I got my wife the same thing she got me for Christmas/my birthday/Father’s Day: not a goddamned thing.
I spent time with our son so she could sleep until 10, made her coffee, did the dishes, swept/mopped the floors, mowed the lawn(had to drive 45 minutes to get my mower back from our son), and did all the chores (cats dog chickens)
I cleaned the bathroom, and scrubbed the kitchen counters. Normal everyday stuff, so she could wake up and not worry about it.
She made me leave the house for five hours, sitting in my truck in a gas-station parking lot.
Sometimes, it’s fucked; and people here are going to SHRED you to pieces because your version of love isn’t the Hallmark version.
You’re getting some good advice with pre-ordering, using your calendar with reminders, and making notes when your wife (or kids!) mention something they like. I’ll just add, make sure she knows that you’re sorry and that you’re going to make some changes and then make those changes.
Have you checked into ADHD? It wasn’t even a thing when I was growing up but I certainly had it. Can’t even tell you the important stuff I forget (still forget). The smart phone is really a life saver. And there are many other techniques to help out.
Also, good job with dinner and sharing the running of the home.
The fact that you think painting 75% of a bedroom is comparable to being the person who’s in charge of an entire household is embarrassing.
Hmmm. You know my husband is terrible at planning. However, he still makes it about me and gets me what I want. Even if he is working on that day (which sometimes he is).
You could come up with reminders in your phone that remind you every year. Multiple ones. Ask wife what she wants to do on this day. Make reservations on this day. Ask parents on this day to watch kiddo. Make them reoccurring. But the thing is, the reminders aren’t any good unless you act on them.
I say this as someone who has a husband who literally has ADHD. The kicker is, he cares enough about my feelings to make it important to him… you have to do that for your wife.
If you don’t, plan on getting a Divorce.