This actually happened today.
I love spicy food. My tolerance doesn’t reach any dizzying heights, but I can usually get through very spicy meals relatively comfortably. I had always wanted to challenge myself to eat a Ghost Pepper or even a Reaper to see how I’d handle it.
There’s an incredible independent chicken wing place near me that does various spice challenges, the hottest of which is called “Nil By Mouth”. They don’t advertise the Scovilles on this, but this particular wing requires you to sign a waiver before you attempt it. Few people had completed it without the aid of milk or ice cream. I’ve been to this restaurant a half dozen times and always said I’d try it someday. How bad could it be?
Well, today was that day. My partner, who also has a respectable spice tolerance, and I were going to try it together. Make it a fun little contest to see who could last the longest.
We eat our main meals. Delicious South Carolina BBQ and Maple Habanero wings with Asian slaw. Awesome. Maple Habanero is on the menu as “VERY HOT”. We question their heat classifications because they were very easy. We’re not convinced they’re not overselling the heat on these death wings. It’ll be fine, we deduce.
Out comes the Nil by Mouth along with a set of gloves. The wings are drenched in thick, bright crimson sauce. It smells like pure spice and nothing else, but oddly appetising and makes my mouth water. Waivers are signed to say it’s my fault if I get ill because I was stupid enough to try this. Still blissfully unaware of how bad this could be until a chef emerges from the kitchen, stands across from our table, crosses his arms and grins. “Just to say before you try this… if someone’s already in the bathroom and you start to feel ill, we keep a bucket just inside the door that says ‘Staff Only’” says the waitress. “Is it really that bad?” my partner asks. “It has been,” she laughs. Oh, ok.
We don the gloves. The couples on the tables next to us are watching now. A premonition of “oh god, what have I done” fleets my mind. I start to question if this is a good idea, but the Hell wings are looking at me like the Green Goblin mask. Oh well, yolo init. We count down from three, and bite.
First of all, it tasted disgusting. Like a weird earthy, bitter taste. This sauce is definitely based on an extract rather than trying to actually be palatable. Red flag was waving, but it was too late. However, the spice doesn’t start off too bad. We’re just roasting the dogshit flavour at this point. “Yeah, it’s awful isn’t it,” laughs the chef. Wtf bro, you made it. Probably not actually, I don’t know. We finish the wings.
The spice is building now. All of a sudden, it takes off. My mouth ignites, my lips ignite, my throat ignites. I think someone has literally lit a fire on my tongue. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m gasping for cool air but every breath makes it worse. My ears start to ring. I’m flapping my hands trying to cool my lips down. It feels like Satan himself has just opened a guided tour of Hell and the entrance is my mouth.
My partner starts to choke. He stands up, leans over the table, trying to breathe in between unrelenting hiccups. Meanwhile, I seem to have lost control of my limbs, scrabbling around my bench with my feet, tears streaming down my face. My body seems to have developed pores inside my pores in a feeble attempt to sweat this shit out. This pain is unlike anything I’ve ever felt to this point. My mouth is excruciating, and my whole body doesn’t know how to cope with it. This is certainly an akin response to going into shock, and it’s just getting worse.
Before we can plea for relief, our lord and saviour the chef has already been and brought ice creams to the table. “It’s on the house”, he says. I think my man felt a tinge of guilt for all the enjoyment he was getting out of this.
I got through three mini milks and a chocolate milk before I started to feel relief. I totally forgot my partner was even there. When I look at him, he’s as red as the sauce itself, his pupils are so dilated I can’t barely see his irises. Usually a man of many words, he looks at me with tormented eyes. “That was no joke,” is all he says.
I ask the chef how many scovilles that was. 7 million, we’re told. Holy shit. I knew that a Reaper was around 2 million, and I thought the sauce couldn’t be much worse than that. What a numpty.
Anyway, after 20 minutes or so, we recover, we go home, we’re all good right? But then it gets worse. And actually, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the end of it.
We’re lying on the sofa watching Off The Hook. My stomach starts to hurt. I drink some milk. It helps a bit. My partner’s all good. I’m sure it’ll pass. I lie back down as it seems to be the most comfortable position right now.
Remember when I said the pain was unlike anything I’d ever felt until this point? Yeah, well turns out I’d find out far sooner than I ever thought what a pain worse than that felt like.
Suddenly, an excruciating, searing pain rips through my stomach. The embers have lighted again, but this time someone’s doused my digestive tract with gasoline for good measure. The Death Wing has been green-lit for a sequel, and this time it’s bringing double the budget.
I’m writhing in pain. My body feels like it’s on fire again. I move to the bed to lay down. It’s no good. No position helps. I move to the bathroom. I lay in the foetal position on the floor inside the shower, wet from the shower earlier, to try and cool down. It doesn’t work. I’m screaming internally, hyperventilating, head light and wavering. I can see the light of heaven and St. Peter’s pearly gates calling my name. I’m actually hoping I do pass out so I don’t have to feel this pain any more.
My partner is freaking out. I can’t speak to answer his questions. I am shaking uncontrollably from the agony I am in. The pins and needles in my hands are so bad that I can’t even move my fingers. I start throwing up on the floor. I manage to tell my partner to turn the shower on. He does. I continue to throw up, the shower floor now swirling with my vomit, fully clothed and now freezing cold. My partner wants to call an ambulance but I know the only way is to ride this out.
Thankfully, it seems that vomiting managed to get enough of the demon spawn out of my system. Gradually, I started to recover. I took a full shower, drank a shit ton of milk and water, ate some bread and now I sit here typing this tale of the accursed chicken wing that made this atheist see Jesus. And this may only be the beginning. You know what I mean.
TLDR: Chose a fate worse than death when I decided to eat a 7 million scoville chicken wing. Don’t do it kids. Or do, I’m not your dad.
Comments
What a ride. Thanks for sharing.
Lol you’re nuts! I ate a piece of a habanero pepper, and my throat closed up. I was under the tap for 20 mins because running water was the only thing that helped. Milk doesn’t help… ice cream or even ice doesn’t help! I wouldn’t even consider anything worse
You’re gonna see stars in the morning
Sounds like your first time dealing with a capsaicin extract sauce. A lot of spice enthusiasts consider extract sauces to be cheater sauces because they add pure spice and no flavour, and there’s no limit to how hot they can go. Spice lovers, with enough practice, can learn to handle any natural sauce or pepper, but no one can handle pure capsaicin. And yes, capsaicin extract tastes like ass.
If you ever watch Hot Ones, most people have a dramatic turn when they get to the Da Bomb sauce because it’s an extract sauce. It’s blindingly hot and tastes like shit. Usually the sauces before, and a lot of the ones after, are just pepper sauces, so most of the visceral reactions come from the Da Bomb round.
Wait till you poop.
My partner ate a waiver hot chicken sandwich the other month. They suffered less but also ate less of it from the sounds of it. (They did whine while downing two milkshakes and countless glasses of milk tho)
Any bits that are left in your digestive tract will have their third vengeance come late night and/or morning. Godspeed OP, your battle is not done yet. Might as well put some wet wipes in the fridge while you still can.
How was it 7 million? The hottest pepper on earth is only 2.7 million? Which is still insane.
A friend of mine ordered the wings with an included suicide wing. A basket of wings with One wing of intense rediculously hot heat. Surprise! She said it was fucking hot, but enjoyable.
So next time she ordered the full basket of suicide wings. Similar sensations to you. Except driving home, she had to stop in the parklands where she promptly shat herself under a tree.
Good luck on the way out, OP!
felt like I was reading a book
“The Death-Wing has been green-lit for a sequel, and this time it’s bringing double the budget”
Pure fucking poetry
Oh dear. You haven’t even REACHED the regret phase of the spicy food cycle.
Lemon or orange, lime juice works, it breaks down the spice way better than a milk or ice cream will.
If the pain was emanating from a specific spot, you may want to get checked for an ulcer (pre-existing. Not caused by the sauce.) ask me how I know.
OMG, this must be the best and funniest thing I’ve read in the last week – maybe longer. Thank you for sharing your suffering! Maybe we can get an update tomorrow? GOOD LUCK!
You still have round 3 sometime between now and tomorrow. I’ve heard a stick of butter is the way to go.
This gave me a good laugh and reminded me why I don’t order the “challenge” wings whenever I go out.
I remember one night on a wing night at BW3 my friend and I bet each other we couldn’t just drink a straight sample cup(or is that a sauce cup?) of their blazing wing sauce. Holy shit, I got warm and immediately started sweating from my ears. Eventually the mouth pain and heat subsided.
We drove back to his place after and probably not more than 10-15 mins my ass was literally on fire as I was blasting ass on his poor grandmother’s toilet as she was sleeping upstairs. 😂 Poor dude was laying on the kitchen floor tile holding his stomach saying he was wondering when I was gonna come out cause he was dying too. He lived with his grandma and I think the other bathroom available was legit next to his grandma’s room lol
Does it hurt your stomach and intestinal tract? Man I won’t ever try that stuff. You got to have some nerves of steel to try that! No way man I’m out
I’m dying laughing over here. Thank you for your sacrifice!
The booty hole will weep.
Only sauce I’ve ever heard of hitting those numbers is like $100 an ounce! Yall are crazy for this
The Source – 7.1 million scoville
Get ready to become a living jetpack in a few hours OP.
That sounds intense! I hope that it only gets better from here.
Not quite as intense, but I accidentally sprayed my arm with bear spray last week (there were no bears involved, just inattention). Bear spray is also made with capsaicin. Based on my experience, DO NOT DRINK ANYTHING HOT. Not today, maybe not even tomorrow to be safe. Heat reactives it. My arm only burned mildly until I got back from my hike and decided to take a hot shower. Then it started to burn so badly that I almost called poison control to see if they had suggestions, haha. But google said you can only really wash it with dish soap and wait out the pain. Unfortunately you can’t drink dish soap.
Wonderful writing.
You need alcohol to cut the capsaicin oil. Vodka or stronger will do. Swish it in your mouth and then spit. Unfortunately, alcohol won’t do anything for what is already in your stomach, though.
I guess the best thing to do is ask if it’s an extract sauce or not to know a bit of what you’d be in for.
Bless
Also, thanks for the ride. I really appreciate everything you’ve been through to share with us
So well written!
I feel this story requires a fun fact added about how the anus has taste receptors.
Boss brought me a hot pepper at work once that her husband grew at home. I’m not entirely sure what it was (maybe a scotch bonnet?). Anyways, I like hot stuff so didn’t figure it would be a big deal when he dared me to eat it. I took a little bite. Didn’t seem too bad. Finished the entire thing seeds and all. It was very hot. Drank tons of liquid. Finally cooled my mouth down. 8 hours later driving home from work I felt a pain inside like someone twisted a knife into my stomach. Was not a fun experience the second time around. I can only imagine your capsaicin wing.
it’s not over yet. godspeed
Yeah your butt hole is gonna enjoy tomorrow
My grandpa said the ice cream was for on the chilis way out…
I like eating spicy things that taste good. Habaneros are perfect.
If it’s just hot for the sake of being hot? Fuck that.
Can’t wait for the butt update
I’m lactose intolerant so that whole meal sounds like a shit show to me. Good luck and god speed.
This is almost on par with the Haribo sugar free gummy bears tale.
Was that you?
Anything that advertises its scoville rating is just suffering disguised as food
Poetry.
Pure Gold.
Crapping that out the next morning is equally as crazy as the pain of eating it. I once washed my asshole in a public restroom due to the excruciating pain.
The father of a friend of mine grows a habañero ghost pepper cross that apparently is hotter than a normal ghost pepper. I think he sells it at a farmers market, except for one season a few years ago when he had his plot of marijuana plants a little too close to the peppers. He harvested some peppers, made some dinner and was stoned out of his gourd, which takes some serious effort for him to accomplish considering how heavy a user he is.
Chili cramps
Im not the suspicious type, butttt, this seems like a writing assignment at TIFU, and not an actual tifu.
I hope Im not the only one.
The aftermath will make you scream in tongues lol
Put some toilet paper in the freezer
You’ll be in a shitty situation tomorrow.
Where is this place in SC?
Long story but once ate a bhut jholokia and a Carolina reaper together simultaneously in their raw (sun dried) forms and had the EXACT lying fetal position in the shower with clothes on situation, about 1.5 hours after I had ingested the peppers so I know you’re not exaggerating OP
Get checked for ulcers. That delayed reaction can totally be from one.
Your butthole isn’t going to like you for a few days. I did the one chip challenge and thought my anus was literally melting every time I took a shit for about 3 days.
Beautiful write up!
ate the one chip challenge in 2022, so that was around 2mil Scoville and hurt like heck, also had carolina reaper popcorn at the wisconsin state fair, that was 30min of pure pain as well. yeah im not going above ghost pepper anymore lol. 7mil now that is just crazy
I was invited over to my husband’s work because someone had bought some reapers and they, all being very strong and tough guys, were going to eat them. I was there to watch because, well yeah, I’m not doing that to myself.
They were legit writhing on the sidewalk. It was so hot out and the sidewalk was basically a stovetop but it felt cooler to them I suppose. They did have the foresight to buy milk and ice cream.
That was about 10 years ago and his spice tolerance is basically gone. I have to be careful not to use too much red pepper when I make tacos lol.
Beat wishes to you OP. Good luck and thanks for a fun read!
“Oh well, yolo, innit” has been permanently added to my internal catchphrase folder
There’s one video where a guy at a restaurant ate something so spicy that the server wore a gas mask when serving it to the guy. The guy ate it and he got destroyed… they found him laid out across the street on the sidewalk hyperventilating with no shirt on.
Top comment of that video: no way I’m eating something that makes me homeless.
This is so beautifully written.
Update us after you take a shit
If this is where I think it is (place named after one of Robin Hoods merry men), I’de been thinking of trying this challenge. I’m no longer thinking of trying it, wtf, 7 million is too many schovilles.
RIP your ass when it’s time to evacuate the contents of your digestive tract.