Tldr: I (25f) told my bestie (25f) a shocking thing, she thought it was completely normal. I messaged our friends group chat and everyone agreed with me and now my bestie’s not talking to me.
The other day, I went to babysit my niece and nephew (they’re 3) and my sister (30) gave me ground rules that including not allowing her husband’s brother (I’ll call him brother in law) (34) in the house.
Turned out, when my sister was taking a shower my brother in law walked in while she was showering with her daughter. She says the water was running, she TOLD him that she was taking her daughter to take a shower together and her husband (36) also told brother in law to not go in. He says that he was “just saying bye”. I went home to tell my friend about how shocked I found this and she said that she didnt see a problem with this at all. I tried giving an example like ‘how would you feel if your sister’s husband did this’ and she said that because he’s family she doesn’t see a problem (if it was a bf that’s different). In disbelief I asked the group chat (6 totally people including me) if this was normal and without thinking mentioned that [bestie] didnt find a problem with this behavior. And now she’s been acting cold.
Additional information that may be relevant:
1. Brother in law has been “going through some things” and said they only thing that calms him down is the kids (idk what the “things” are) but the couple have since banned him from their place
2. My bestie was raised by her father
3. We’re asian and she’s black, this is America
4. The friend group have a diverse culture
5. My sister has been SA before as a child, so my bestie thinks she’a being overly sensitive and brother in law didnt mean any harm
Edit:
6. We discussed mines and her thought process and she was the one that told me to ask our other friends (she didnt say “group chat” specifically.)
Comments
So you felt the need to win an argument with your best friend, and did it by putting her on blast with your friend group? Yeah, I’d be upset with that too.
And honestly, that last point…
> My sister has been SA before as a child, so my bestie thinks she’a being overly sensitive and brother in law didnt mean any harm
I mean, dude, your need to be right about the underlying argument has your friend acting upset with you, but you still seem to think this is about the argument itself any not how you comported yourself. The argument itself doesn’t matter. You are treating your friend badly over something that didn’t even happen to you. I’m not even going to address that argument…
Go apologize to your friend and please learn the lesson that no argument is worth losing a friendship.
Personally anyone not close to me personally or blood related is a big no. Hell, even relatives get that. Like I wouldn’t let my aunts and uncles go anywhere near a bathroom I’m showering in because I find that awkward and embarrassing
One of my guy friends though? No problem bc idgaf.
I mean, I guess it’s more perspective than anything…
But I can also see why your friend is being cold. You basically asked the audience if her perception was normal and identified her. Like just saying “is this train of thought normal?” Which might not have been as bad you were like “name thinks this is normal”
So, good luck
Hell no, I wouldn’t want my husbands brother to see me and my daughter naked
Yeah, I’d definitely talk to and apologize to your friend. Was her reaction weird? Kinda, and you should talk to her about that. I wouldn’t say it’s weird, because she obviously has different boundaries regarding her privacy, and that’s valid. More than just giving examples, actually in depth explain to her why you thought her response was odd and why it made you feel so uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s fair at all that you took what she said and shared it with so many people, essentially pitting a group against her, even if that wasn’t your intention. You embarrassed her. She might not even understand why she is in the wrong, because this type of situation is something that’s largely up to personal standards and boundaries. She doesn’t see anything wrong with it because, for her personally, there is nothing wrong with it. But that’s where you should’ve explained that your family was uncomfortable, and this isn’t behavior they allow. Not giving examples about how she’d feel if someone did that to her, because it’s not going to make her see the other side, it’s just going to further solidify her belief that it isn’t weird because she personally would be fine with it.
Nope. That would not happen in my house
Hey just give her time. Some people need time to process their emotions… you obviously upset her, send an apology and let her sit for a few days or a week than hit her up to hang out.
Honestly, telling a friend group “X thinks this totally weird thing is completely normal” and them then responding with “urg, that’s not normal at all, what’s wrong with X” (at least that’s how I imagine it) is kinda shitty to X in the first place. I can understand acting cold after being publicly exposed, potentially without asking me first if I’m okay with it?