I (M,53) lost my husband of 13 years to cancer on Christmas of 2023. I briefly lost my mind a little and had to move back to Las Vegas where all my friends and family were for support system. After about a year of support from friends, therapy and grief support meetings I decided to restart my life by taking a new job and moving back to California on my own.
Almost right away there was a guy in my local area that was interested in me. He was kind, he was patient, and I genuinely started to enjoy spending time with him, although I had no specific intent of starting a new relationship, it was nice not to feel lonely anymore. Most importantly my two dogs loved him.
I met his mother and sisters, and they almost immediately adopted me into their family, and his mother started calling “mijo” (my son in Spanish).
After we had been dating about 3 months, I finally reached a point where I felt I could totally open up to him, I no longer considered us to be “just dating”. I posted on FB a new relationship status. The post got over 500 likes and comments. He and I met for breakfast a few hours after I made the post and he was beaming. He said that he was happy that he knew how I felt about him, and he said he was happy that the post was just a few days before his ex’s birthday and he liked that his ex would see it. That’s when everything went haywire.
The next day he said he was getting flooded with texts, phone-calls and messages about this new status. He said his phone was literally blowing up. I asked him if the post was causing him trouble and if I should take it down and he said “no, it’s already out there.” That night he texted me saying that all the messages and rehashing things from his past was exhausting him.
The next morning he asked me if I could take the post down. Then about an hour later when I was in a work meeting he sends a text in all caps “TAKE THE POST DOWN NOW! AND SET YOUR FB TO PRIVATE!”. I stepped out of the meeting and did as he asked. Later that night he said he wasn’t doing well emotionally and needed some time. The next morning he said he wanted to stop seeing me, and that he couldn’t believe how selfish I was and that I may have harmed him socially and financially as he primarily uses his FB to promote music he is editing and producing. He demanded that I apologize to him.
I was so confused, I told him him that in my experience when something irrationally happens like this that there is usually something else going on, something I wasn’t previously aware of. I told him that I wanted to continue our relationship but only with honesty. I said that it seemed like he was still emotionally tangled up with something in his past. After a few days of communication silence from him I texted him “so do you not care about us anymore?”, he texted back saying it was over, that I was right about him still being emotionally tangled with his past, and that it wasn’t me it was him, and that I was a wonderful person.
my head is still spinning, and I am very sad. I am not still sure I understand what even happened. I don’t believe I actually harmed his business or financially, The only thing I can think of is that maybe he was still closeted? I really don’t know, what do you guys think?
“TL;DR:” had a nice new relationship with a guy, the first one after the death of my husband. After 3 months of dating I posted that we were in a relationship on FB, and for reasons that are unclear he broke up with me.
Comments
Really sorry to read that – all must feel really confusing and raw right now. Take some time for yourself to let all this subside. Then hopefully you can take some solace, some strength from the knowledge that this really wasn’t your fault. This guy helped you realize you can enjoy relationships again, if you choose to. It was he who wasn’t ready.
Take care.
Edit: btw, the main point I didn’t make was that you really didn’t fuck up! Maybe the mods need to move this one from TIFU 😉
My condolences about your husband.
His phone literally blew up you say…?
Might have still been in the closet, true.
You didn’t fuck up. You had no reason to think the post would cause him any problems, and you even offered to take the post down.
He fucked up by not communicating that he was in the closet and by not taking you up on the offer to take down the post. It was extremely dishonest and manipulative of him to then insist that you had been selfish and owed him an apology.
I’m sorry about your husband.
You did not FU. It sounds like he did.  Something about his past is what messed up your relationship.  This is also why I generally avoid posting personal business on any social media these days. Besides just feeding the data mining machine, people will find ways to be vindictive and use it against you. Â
This does not seem like reasonable behavior from him. Almost like he was cheating on you or had some other darkness going on.
> he was happy that the post was just a few days before his ex’s birthday and he liked that his ex would see it.
Uh-oh. In his mind this is weaponizing your new relationship to “get back” at his ex.
It set off a shitstorm because he’s less innocent about breaking up with his ex than he’s been telling himself. Or you.
I think you may have dodged a bullet here.
Wait people still use Facebook ?
well look on the bright side, you’re dating again and that’s huge! people are meant to be in our lives for varying amounts of time and vice a versa, and people are meant to play different roles! so maybe his time in your journey is over, maybe not? but he got you back dating! just keep going with the flow now and see where it takes you.
I’m very glad that you realize that you’re not the issue here. You didn’t FU, he did.
super weird. not your fault at all.
social media, amiright?
i wouldn’t say it’s a fuckup… but i don’t see the need to post relationship status anywhere public. having said that, it probably helped you dodge a bullet… clearly, he has other shit going on (jealous exes? jealous not-exes? hook-ups, etc.)
Yeah, definitely the first red flag is that he’d be happy his ex would see it. If he wasn’t still hung up on the ex he wouldn’t have mentioned that at all. I’m sure people think it sometimes, but to voice that thought is a little toxic.
Edit: don’t want to invalidate what you’ve gone through. It’s really unfortunate when people use others to get back at exes. It’s happened to me so I get it.
Lots of suggestion that he’s closeted, but if that were the case, why would he originally be happy about the status?
The fact that he was excited for his ex to see it is a huge red flag, he was clearly still entwined in something there, not your fault at all.
So you lost your husband and posted a gay relationship on FB without asking him if he wanted to be “outed”. Man, are you ever the ass here. Especially as it might (unfortunately) affect his business. Not everyone accepts same-sex relationships.
You didn’t fuck up but him being gleeful that his ex would see your relationship status before his birthday was a serious red flag. Just a hypothetical: he may have thought the ex would come crawling back only to find the ex didn’t give a shit and/or, and I’m sorry to say, may have dissed you and embarrassed him. May the next one be what you actually deserve.
I don’t know about Spanish culture, but in most Asian countries where I’m from, you don’t publicize your relationship without first the consent of the other person you’re seeing. This could be the case here, it’s not whether he is closeted or not – moreover, lots of musicians don’t post about their relationships at all, unless they have already made it.
I’m so sorry this happened however I hope you realize this isn’t happening because you posted what you posted. That was just the vehicle. It happened because he wasn’t as ready for the relationship as he thought. Instead of having a rational discussion to resolve it he decided to sever ties. It literally had nothing to do with you. You were just a bystander. I’m sorry
Im so sorry you had to go through all that. If it hasn’t been said before, you didn’t mess anything up but likely saved yourself from major heart break down the line – it’s a huge red flag with him being excited to flaunt a new relationship to his ex. Kind of a weird mentality to have if you’ve healed from a break-up (imo) wishing you nothing but the best, OP.
huh….sounds like his ex might have went on a hate campaign that ruined his job.
You didn’t f up at all! You never could have anticipated this. This is incredibly tragic from beginning to end. I am so sorry.
My condolences 🫂
I can’t have you consider this a TIFU as it implies self blame and you did nothing wrong.
Made ex jealous. Got back with ex. Plan worked for him
53 years old… Facebook… emotions…
I’ve seen enough.
Nafu
Put your energy where it matters, right now, it’s in taking care of yourself.
At the end of the day, the person you spend the most time with in your life, is yourself. Taking care and loving yourself is not a choice or a feeling, it’s the bare minimum. Yes you’re allowed to like him, yes you’re allowed to grieve, but you must wake up every day, go through the routines, tell yourself you’re going to be okay, you’ve lived this long, you’re only going to live for a lot longer. Be grateful that you got to experience all these emotions and be grateful for being there for yourself.
You can’t control the winds but you can mast your sails.
Drink water, get some sunlight, breathe, look at the world around you, the colours, the scents, the magnificence, the tastes, the touches, be present, exercise, feed your body nutrition, don’t deny yourself the bare minimum.
Bullet dodged!! Good luck with the future