Before I (15 turning 16 in a week M) start, i’m aware this will be extremely long. I just want to get everything out of my system and then stop using Reddit to help me about my life problems and relax.
Also: a) I do go to a therapist and psychologist, so telling me to go there isn’t necessary, although i appreciate the care ; b) i’ve read about OCD and some of my symptoms match up with what’s being said, but i’m not sure and haven’t been diagnosed and c) yes, i’m aware that i need to touch grass, go outside etc… and yes, i’m aware some of you “ain’t reading allat” (although i’d prefer it if you didn’t comment that, if you don’t wanna read it, don’t do anything and just keep scrolling) but i do believe most of these regrets are grounded in reality.
- CRISIS RELATED TO ANIMALS
So i’ve been going through a massive guilt trip the past few months, over events that had already happened and new mistakes i make, and i think i might be a monster. I’ll start off with animal related mistakes.
I’ve never really felt as attached to animals as some other people for whatever reason (although that doesn’t mean i hate them, i still really like them and always greet every dog and cat i walk by on the street), but i’ve never really harbored any resentment or hatred towards them, and apart from insects (for which i now feel guilty) and two (maybe three? idk if my mind’s tricking me or if im just convincing myself it’s tricking me when i actually did do it, but it’s telling me i was stomping on ants, the number of these flashes of maybe memory are small and it’s also telling me i made kicking motions towards animals but i don’t remember that at all so it might be a false memory cause i would NEVER do that nowadays, but again my mind might be fucking with me) incidents as a kid that i have a clear memory of (one time when i was young, i was picking up my aunt’s cats and making them jump out of my hands right in front of me, i wasn’t chucking them or anything, which maybe isn’t abusive, but i do remember making one of them jump on where the other one was standing, although i remember the other cat moving away before the first cat jumped down and i stopped when my aunt saw me and lectured me and i remember chasing pigeons once or twice as a kid), but apart from that, i don’t really have any memories of being abusive towards animals in any way.
Although recently, i’ve made some mistakes (not harming anyone directly) or maybe not? firstly, i’ve gotten into this loop of reporting every single animal abuse video i can find, but i’m afraid it’s sucking me into a loop of rumination about whether i reported them correctly (i tried reporting some channels, but they only have a “violent threats” and not “violent actions” category although i did write animal abuse in the comment and hope they do something about it) and missing a report or two and also i remember reporting this user on Reddit who was stomping on bugs and maybe stomped on other animals but Reddit said they can’t do anything about it and now i’m scared cause she lives in another country so i can’t call the cops. I think i should stop, but i don’t think i can since the guilt of not reporting every one i see is killing me.
secondly, once or twice, i was reading something about animals while eating meat (one time it was on the ocd subreddit).
thirdly, i put up these old army toys of mine to decorate an anthill to make it nicer for the ants and asked my mom to check if the toys had fallen over and she said they hadn’t, but next morning i checked and they were slightly toppled over.
fourthly, these petitions and stuff are also giving me a complete crisis, a few days ago i delayed signing this one petition by a hunter guy whose dogs were going to get euthanized cause he was a hunter and i felt guilty for delaying such an important petition for the dogs’ lives just cause their owner was bad, although the petition wasn’t updated since it started five months ago so i don’t know what happened.
fifthly, there was this “click to give” (google it) site for dogs and cats and stuff, but when i came back later, i noticed the site said “sos euthanasia” (pretty sure I had read it before but didn’t actually realize what it said) in one of the categories so now i’m insanely scared.
Sixthly, maybe a criminal confession, but I pirate a lot. I used this one site that’s basically a collection of loads of free stuff, not just piracy, and on there was a link to an animal site that was basically a camera of a feeder that stray cats could come to and you could feed them. Now you might be asking yourself, “how is that animal abuse in any way?”. Well, there’s apparently been people that attack the cats on the cameras, apparently they’re just random sickos that get enjoyment from doing that, but some people say the workers do bad things too (although way less so i don’t know if it’s true), it’s very divided on whether or not this is a bad site. Now I feel scared whenever I use a good site from there (not related to animals, just a music site for streaming and tv site for reviewing) cause of that and one time, I went onto the tv rating site after i was reading something about a cat abuser and my mind tells me it was a “fuck you” to the cats.
Seventhly, loads of people in my country seem to at least hold a lesser opinion of animals than in other countries (although most don’t abuse animals or anything) and i feel guilt over interacting with people around me positively, for instance my parents for growing up on farms, my uncle (who i mention below, although these thoughts happened before i found out what he did (i wasn’t really thinking of him selling farm animals when i had those thoughts since i was a kid) for selling some animals and this woman that lives underneath us for saying she’d kill a snake if it came into our house as a hypothetical, although i told her you can find other ways to get a snake out.
Eightly, I signed this petition or whatever about vegeterianism, but i’m not vegeterian. and i feel kinda complicit in animal death and abuse cause of all of these things. I’d say that’s about it for the animal related stuff.
- INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
So, i know what you’re saying right now: “Don’t feel guilty over intrusive thoughts! If you don’t act on them, that’s good! Thoughts aren’t crimes!” and i guess you’re right but they still disgust me and piss me off and some incidents occured that make me feel guilty. I’ve had these thoughts ever since i was a kid, examples of which include: “What if you told your uncle his son deserved to die?”, “What if you kicked that dog?”, “What if you raped that other kid that just walked by?” etc… but recently these thoughts escalated a lot.
They became thoughts about probably the worst possible things you can have as sexual thoughts (one is a literal war that’s happening right now, and the other is a combination of two insanely criminal sexual things) and i don’t think i’ve ever acted on them, apart from one time where i masturbated to something perfectly okay to do that to, but had these gross thoughts while doing so and tried to suppress them (i’ve stopped masturbating mostly because of the fear that i would have these thoughts) and one time i was in a tech store and on a product was a word that triggered me and my brain told me “walk past that product again just to see the word” and i did, although there was no bodily reactions or bad thoughts. That’s about it for intrusive thoughts.
- HARMING PEOPLE
As an addendum for intrusive thoughts, i’ve always also thought about doing harm to people, but never went through and recently i’ve again gotten scared. If you know Reddit, you’ve probably heard of Reddit Cares messages. I tried sending them out to many people, but they give me a fear. For instance, i’m scared i didn’t send it to everyone (i was on the SuicideWatch subreddit once or twice to see if people felt such guilt about things i’ve done and exited after I was done and when i was on TrueOffMyChest i tried to send this to as many of suicidal people as i could, but then i stopped and now feel guilty and i entered it just now and also had this urge to do so but didn’t, and when I went on legal advice some guy was talking about his brother killing himself but some people in the comments thought this was actually about him, not his brother so I don’t know, if you’re wondering the guy’s name is Ber-Zur-Ker) and there was this one dude who didn’t have a depressing post history but did say in a post i saw on justunsubbed that he had these thoughts although i don’t know if he was overexaggerating or not), since i’m scared i either:
a) made them think im trolling them, furthering their decline or b) sending it to someone dead and also i’ve just gotten this fear that if i don’t comment on every post there, i’m complicit in their (potential) deaths if they do go through.
Also, i was scrolling on Reddit and found this post on r/youtube that was about those UTTP bots, but one of them apparently had CP in their bio (although I seriously hope it was a joke since it’s a Discord Oauth link and I’m aware UTTP is filled with edgy kids, although I’ve also heard of actual douchebags) and I decided to go report, but couldn’t find their accs and now I’m scared cause i willingly searched it up (on Youtube).
- OUTRO
So at the end, you might think I’m writing this sweating bullets and sobbing, but to tell you the truth, I don’t feel anything? I know it’s weird given everything above, but ever since the guilt trip started, my emotions have become dulled and my sense of regret and guilt dampened. For instance those videos I didn’t report, I’m pretty sure I remember at least what the thumbnail was for one of them and I could search it up again, but I dunno why I don’t and also why I don’t feel anything by not doing it. And also, just today I bought earphones from Xiaomi who I know are a bad company but still bought them and now regret it deeply. I still try and be good, but i know that i can just avoid every good thing i mentioned above and i wouldn’t feel anything, which makes me feel like a monster. I just want to know whether you agree or not. I’d be happy to add anything in the comments.
TL;DR: Petitions, Reddit, Youtube, earphones and ants, among other things, make me feel like a monster.