Okay, so a little backstory: my wife (23F) and I (24M) have been married for about 1.5 years, together for 3. We just moved into a much bigger place, which is awesome. While unpacking, my wife unearthed a bunch of old journals from years ago. We were already looking at old childhood photos of me and kinda in a nostalgic mood, so we started reading some of her entries together.
Now, here’s where I messed up. These journal entries were from a time when she was in a pretty serious relationship before me (red flags already waving, I know). We’ve always been open about past relationships, so when I skipped ahead a page and saw some, uh, intimate details, I didn’t initially freak out.
But of course, my dumbass kept reading. And honestly, it really hit me hard. It wasn’t just that she was writing about sex with her ex; it was the way she wrote about it and how incredibly different it is from our sex life now.
My wife has always told me she’s not a super physically driven person and has a pretty low libido. But in her journal, she went into intense detail about her ex’s physical attributes, saying she couldn’t get enough of him. She wrote about being annoyed if they went two days without sex and how she loved how rough, spontaneous, and frequent it was.
Basically, everything our sex life isn’t. With us, it’s often weeks in between, and honestly, sometimes I can’t help but think it feels like a chore for her.
When she finally caught up to the page I was on, she quickly flipped to another section and said “oops!” I excused myself and started unpacking other boxes. She could tell I was bothered and immediately offered to throw the journals out, which was genuinely sweet. I told her not to and that I was fine (huge lie).
I guess it just really hurts to see that there was someone who genuinely drove my wife wild, physically. The way she wrote about him… I can’t shake it. It was like she was describing a Greek god. Every single physical detail, she was just fawning over it. She’s given me compliments and written me lovely letters, but never like that. Never in a way that made me feel like she had this primal, physical need for me.
I know my wife loves me. It’s not like she married me for money (because trust me, that ain’t it). But I’m really struggling to process this and can’t help but feel like I’m the “safe choice” after a string of more passionate relationships. The image of how she described him is just stuck in my head.
So, Reddit, what the hell do I do now? I feel like crap.
TL;DR: Read my wife’s old journal and found incredibly detailed and passionate entries about her sex life with an ex, which is the complete opposite of our current sex life. Feeling insecure and like I’m the “settle down” guy.
Comments
would you consider talking about this with her? or is that out of the question for you? because i really think it would help the both of you if you told her honestly how you feel, which is a valid reaction on your behalf.
Comparison is the killer of joy. If you can’t trust you are good enough, then you are gonna hurt yourself.
Mate there’s a reason she’s with you and not with her ex at this very moment..
Start by having conversation with her and ask her what can you do in the bedroom to spice up your sex life. Don’t compare yourself to her Ex it will only make things worse. Rather try new things in bedroom you never know, you might find something you both enjoy and get wild.
Curiousity killed the cat. Never helps to look for things like this, you’ll always find something you don’t want or like. People have histories, that’s just how it is.
You worry about the past there but don’t forget that she may not be the person now that she was then. She may have different wants and desires and needs and you, I’m sure, are meeting them.
Honestly the best course of action would be to talk to her directly and calmly about your worries and concerns. You’re meant to be a team and able to grow together. This is the only way that works.
IDK, there’s primal sex which doesn’t always equate to the love of your life and vice versa. I think the only FU is how you handle this.
Talk to her about it. Don’t be confrontational or try and guilt her, but have an honest conversation about your sex life and whether you’re both happy with it as it is. If you keep thinking about this other guy it’s going to affect things so it’s best to talk about it.
Another thing you might have missed in toxic relationships, the hot and cold ones, the relationship is unpredictable and the dynamic kinda crazy. Bad for life, but it makes sex life for a while way more interesting. It might have been the red flags
Talk to her abput how you feel or show her what you wrote here and explain your thoughts and feelings and let her do that to
Whats wrong with being the safe choice? You’re still the choice. People have different traits. People like different things about people they’re with. They have different phases in their life. She’s had that. She choses you. Forever. Knowing that exists, she picked you.
Also, I’m that rough pasisonate primal guy. Trust me. That stuff is temporary. It burns hot for a short while and then fades. Dont get me wrong, its great!!!! But its not something you build a life on.
But ultimately, she chose YOU.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
This is a Pandora’s box we choose not to open.
The bright side is that we only live for now and if you enjoy the now you have with your wife then don’t get caught up in it
She probably was more physically attracted to or connected to the other guy but she’s with you because presumably she loves you as a person.
A lot of people don’t marry the person who gets them the most aroused or the person who is best in bed. There’s other stuff to consider when settling down in a relationship.
Just accept it for what it is and move on, she can’t change the way she feels physically and clearly she was more into the other guy in that particular aspect.
You guys are so young. I don’t know you guys. Perhaps this was one of her first experiences. Which would make sense that she was a little obsessive, like enough to write about it. Idk just thought I’d throw that out there.
You are the lucky one. She chose you. So don’t you forget it!!!
Maybe you are maybe you aren’t.
At the end of the day she chose you, not because you were “safe, but because you were better.
If you are insecure, talk to her. she has already acknowledged that it might make you uncomfortable by offering to throw them out.
And if you want a sex life closer to what you saw in the journal, talk to her about that as well.
Communication is the key to long term happiness with a partner, and your commitment is to each other through the good and the bad.
Something like this is ultimately a small bump in the journey and there is no need to make it anything more than a conversation topic.
So is she having affairs now? If not, forget it.
Yes, it could be “settle down” or safe option cases, as long as you or she is not having sexually transmitted diseases or cheating now, things won’t be that bad.
If still burdening your mind, have a therapist with you alone first, or even marriage counseling with just you.
Sometimes, we won’t be “first choice”.
People and priorities change. Sometimes life makes us focused into one thing, and 5 years from then that would not be as important to us anymore. Why were you focused and obsessed with your favorite toy when you were younger? Why dont you want to play with it now? You just dont want to play with toys, you changed your thinking about them, you have other priorities. If that bothers you, talk to her, it sounds like she is aware of what you’ve seen and what might have hurt you. The quicker you get it out of your chest, the more time you can spend happy together!
EDIT : Spelling.
You’re comparing a love blind hormonal teenager to a grown woman who married YOU.
bro it was probably the hormones and the novelty of it. She was most probably exploring new territory with her ex which included roughness and how spontaneous and exciting it was. it’s the same as driving a car for the very first time. so don’t worry
(Am female, 32) Lift heavy things, set them down. Stay clean. (In all spaces, not just ones self. So car, home.) Then try a new convo or something incredibly different, different location, book a hotel room for ‘no reason’ (after finding out what the lady likes.) An in-charge drive.
I think the biggest thing that has worked for me (on either end of this conversation, the one not getting any attention from her partner at all, or the one being sought after..) is questions nuanced to the preference someone wants to receive them. For example I’m direct so I very spontaneously and without a lot of lead up would ask “So when you (censored) do you x, y, or z..?” Lewd option 1-3. It always shocks the other person (in my case, male lol) no matter what they are doing and if they like you at all, they will pay attention. But for a less direct question (mooost women), talking about dreams one had or ‘where is the riskiest place you’d try but havent..’ more gentle approach is still shocking enough. Find the right approach for you circumstance, can’t hurt to try.
Asking things not asked is a great way to find new details.
She will prob hit him when she gets the chance.
Sex, intense passionate sex is great and all, but you know what takes the cake?
Trust. Respect. Honesty. Safety. Intimacy (not necessarily sex) with compassion. Connection with compatibility.
It’s often easy to hide behind the sex, to think that it’s fulfilling those needs when it isn’t.
Long story short – she married you. Why don’t you sit down, and have the calm but challenging conversation of asking your wife why she loves you, and understanding who she is now? Sounds better than throwing away an otherwise great relationship over festering hurts.
dude life just threw an opportunity at you! talk to her about her preferences. do NOT mention you read her journals though, that’s an invite for one square in the face, if possible ask after a few days so she doesnt notice that this is coming from the journals.
it could be possible that her likings have changed now, she most probably does like it the way it is with you, stable and not driving her crazy yk. It’s what people usually want after experiences with said “greek gods”.But still, you’d continue feeling like something’s missing now that you know about this narrative so better go for it. try it for a week maybe, see how it feels!
I agree with the other points made in the comments about having a gentle and honest conversation with her about it. I just want to add from my perspective as a woman that over time, your opinion of your previous (sexual) relationships can change drastically over time. For example, even though she was writing in an overly descriptive positive way about that intimacy back then, years down the line, if that guy was awful to her as a person then she may actually look back at that intimacy with painful memories. So you need to discuss with her how she feels about it emotionally.
Horny teenage (or very young adult) =/= the person she is today. People change, hormones change. I wouldn’t hold younger her against present times her.
I’ll be blunt here. You will never be the best thing ever in every aspect in your relationship. There is a reason she married you, all of your good parts. But maybe there was a more physical reason (and not much more) that she was temporarily with her ex. Also, desire for sex changes. You guys are pretty young so she was a teenager when she was with her ex? That’s a totally different type of relationship.
People’s wants and needs change over time, homie. If that guy rolled around now, she probably wouldn’t look twice at him. Maybe talk to her about how you want her to crave you like that, and see what she would need from you to start pulling her in that direction. Or, just be smug about the fact you “won,” because she married you
Women have a Madonna/whore complex of their own. They have men that they look at as fuckbois and future “dad”. By in large, they will not have fuckboi sex with you when you are the “dad”. Welcome to the age of reason- Jean Paul Sartre.
I’ve had a few partners that were super sexy. And turned me on in a nano second, but I think that was partly due to the fact it was always on the flip side of a mind fuck, gaslighting, and physical abuse. Now I’m with somebody that isn’t a 10 but he respects me, and we have great chemistry regardless of the fact that it’s not all heated and animalistic. And I couldn’t be happier or more content. Don’t worry OP you obviously have other qualities that she loves. I mean you guys are married. And the fact that she offered to throw away the journals, shows that she truly cares about you, she’s not trying to hang on to them so she can revisit her hot and heavy past. You’re ntah OP, but neither is your wife
She was a teenager. Hormones are wild. I wouldn’t take this too seriously.
Yeah, yeah, libido”s chang with age sometimes. But both of you are still so young I doubt that’s the issue. I suspect she was more physically attracted to her ex. (Sorry op, I know that hurts). But, but, but….that can actually change. Hit the gym and put on 10 lbs of muscle and see how she responds.